Announcements
Our Sefer Torahs are now covered for fire and wind. So everybody should feel safe carrying the Torah and reading from it. Torah insurance is important and holy, as Baruch sold it to us. And Baruch gave his word on the Torah that we need Torah insurance for H'.
 
Simcha wants to apologize for taking the Bris leftovers. He thought that since it was there, it was for the taking. He wants the congregation to know that he will not take any leftovers from any more Simchas. You can invite him to weddings and Bar Mitzvahs.
 
Our shul has now decided to say extra Tefillahs for the war. It would be good if you showed up to shul to say the prayers.
Rabbi’s Message: I would not trust any of you to pray for our people at home. Your individual Kavanah, which didn’t help Sharon heal after she got her tonsils taken out, will lead to catastrophe.
 
Contemporary Halacha Class: Laws of Stealing When it Comes to the Torah Which Says Not to Steal. How Malkie Buys Everything- Is Selling to Malkie Schwartzberg Stealing from Mark Schwartzberg. When Is it Considered Stealing from The Bal Simcha- Is it Two Servings of Hash Browns. Why We Need Communal Tefillah and How to Stop Our Community from Affecting Prayers.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
You complain like Bnei Yisrael after Korach gets swallowed by earth... I understand that’s a bit dramatic. Have you ever heard Cindy and Carol whine? Bnei Yisrael was not that high pitched... H’ wouldn’t have heard them... When you complain about the new doorway dimensions, it's at such a high pitch... 
Even after you see I am right, you complain. You ask “why is this rabbi leading the congregation?” Because you hired me!!! You would’ve hired Moshe and Aharon... H’ would’ve hired me.

After Korach is swallowed up by the earth and then more protesting by the Jewish people, there's another plague. Which is the normal response to continued complaining from congregants... I’ve thrown lice on my children... This shul needs a plague. Something to stop the board and the committees... They're a plague themselves. Plagues beget plagues... Maybe locusts at the next meeting...

(Bamidbar 17:9-15) Due to the people complaining after the Korach fiasco a plague begins amongst the people... How often do you have to be wrong? At a certain point, it’s time for a plague. Which is why I propose pinching anybody that asks questions to the rabbi...

Aharon stops the plague with his incense... This is not a sermon against drugs... I’m not pro-drugs. It’s just incense, Bernie. 
He stood among the people with incense. That stops plagues. And the poignant smell of marijuana...
(Bamidbar 17:13) “And he stood between the dead and the living, and the plague stopped.”  You have to put yourself on the line to stop destruction. I have stopped so many people from joining this shul... The congregants of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah have destroyed enough lives. I've seen your children...
Our soldiers have been out there, acting on behalf of our people. Saving us. Standing between the dead and the living. Standing there on behalf of our people... Our congregants won't even stand between Lenny and the other kids trying to get a couple candies from a Bar Mitzvah candying... Lenny is quite violent. Our renovation committee has done nothing!!! You can't even save a Torah... Renovations do not help save a Torah.

Rashi teaches that Aharon stopped the angel from his mission from H’. He let the angel know that it is H’s will, as what Moshe says is only from Gd, to stop the plague. You can't argue with that. Yet. I get arguments about the crown molding on the doorway all the time...
Plagues beget plagues. And plagues stop plagues.
Who is standing in between the sinners of our shul and the good people of other congregations? Who is making sure the plague of our shul board doesn’t spread...

A plague will not hit the Torah. The plague is the shul board wasting money on everything...
Fire and wind damage protection on a Torah?! It’s a Torah??! Who brings a Sefer Torah to a bonfire... Then how do you burn it?! Well don’t take the shul’s Sefer Torah on your camping trip.
What about rain damage?! You have wind. What about water? Is this home insurance where you have to pay more for flooding?! Torah flooding?...
How is Torah insurance part of renovations again? Insurance covers the Torah... Have the insurance lady come to our Sofer expo and she will understand that each letter takes a couple minutes, and she will understand why a Torah costs a 100k.
You’re the renovations committee. Not the Torah committee. You don’t renovate a Torah.
You should’ve got letter damage insurance. Torah letter damage makes sense.
Maybe it’s just me. I don’t understand why we need fire and wind protection to read from the Torah. We need Bar Mitzvah boy protection. If the kid reads slow and doesn’t enunciate, we take away his Bar Mitzvah. Baal Koreh insurance so that we don't have to pay the Torah reader if he makes a mistake. We should be yelling at the Baal Koreh more. Gabai insurance... People attack the Gabai when they’re not called up to the Torah. I've seen him limping due to injury...
Who will stop this renovation committee before the shul is destroyed from the plague of lack of money. And the lack of paid dues plague.

Just because Baruch says we need it, does not mean we need it. Who sold the shul the insurance?... Baruch sold it to us??? Of course he says it's good. That Halacha says we need it... A Yarmulke does not make it an honest sale. The beard doesn't make Baruch a rabbi... He grew the beard to sell Torah insurance... When he was a mechanic he had a Yarmulke, because he was in a Frum neighborhood. When he sold chandeliers in Borough Park, he had a Streimel. As an Uber driver he didn't have a Kippah. He wore a turban... Yes. He's just offensive. Baruch is a racist...

Simcha. You apologized because it wasn’t your family’s Bris. It was Nachum and Rebecca’s child’s Bris, and we appreciate that you acknowledged that you are not part of their family, and you will not be paying for their child to go to our Jewish day school. You still took stuff. You saw leftovers and you packed it up... Of course they thought the other side told you to take it, because it’s awkward. Who takes food from another family's Simcha.. I know it was good. That's why Nachum and Rebecca wanted it... You can
The Bal HaBayit assumed you were told to take it. Who would take his leftovers in full tins?! Like it was a soup kitchen and you were feeding the hungry... I get your family likes to eat breakfast too. And there is tomorrow. That is correct. 
Nachum yelled at his in-laws. He thought his mother-in-law told you to take the lox... 
Did you learn your lesson? Other than not having to purchase any groceries, did you learn a lesson?... With your logic, guests will come and take everything. Why not just have a take away Simcha. Like Yossi’s Not Treif Butcher... It’s a take away. A don’t eat here, so Simcha Simchavitz can have more food at his house.
The plague of not enough food at Simchas anymore because Simcha takes it all home. Doggy bags it...

It is incense that takes the lives of the sinners, and it also saves lives and stops plagues. If somebody stood between Simcha and the scrambled eggs...
The money that the committee has wasted, we need to use that to learn Torah. We need to stand between the board and the shul...
We must pray to H’ to get rid of the evil. To stand between the good and the bad.
We have been saying Avinu Malkeinu now that there's more war... It's more war. There is war and then more war... It’s a prayer. We add it. We care about our people... You've been saying it all these years. You sing it on Yom Kippur with such commitment. Because you have no idea what it means... I know it's a great song. The plague of my congregants. Avinu Malkeinu... It means "Our Father, our King." Maybe Gd will step in for us. Forgive us. And get rid of the board...

If we just got rid of selfishness, and the board. And dumb ideas for renovations and extra insurance policies because a guy with a beard sold it...
It all happened because Korach thought everything was his. It belonged to him... It belongs to Gd, Simcha!!! Now I know why you take all the food from the parties. You hear "It's a Simcha" and you think it's yours. 
Simcha doesn’t care about his people. He just wants to eat his people’s food... It was Nachum and Rebbecas. You stole it...
Fire and wind??? Are you blowing on the Torah? Are you reading it and Fufing it?
And the board owes me a nice parking spot. You should renovate the rabbi's spot...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi threw water on people coming to Minyin this week. He thought that if he did that, he would get more people coming. He said the idea came from the concept that plagues stop plagues, figuring this would stop the plague of no Minyin. He even started screaming at the Chazin, telling him he couldn't sing, in order to get rid of the plague of the Chazin. That one worked. The Chazin quit. The plague of candies being thrown at children real hard, to get them to stop asking for candy in the middle of Davening, begot a lot of injured children.

The rabbi did make his point when he said the board is a plague. And this is why he stands between the board and the two congregants he likes.
Once they heard there would be locusts at the board meeting, nobody showed.

The renovations committee said they're saving our community. To quote, "We are soldiers for Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah." The rabbi told them to not take credit for saving our people from Iran. Somehow, they feel they have taken down the regime by raising money for a new floor tile.

The shul understood the rabbi explaining that he works for them because they hired him. The shul didn’t see how that had anything to do with Korach.

The board will spend money on anything somebody is selling. Fire and wind damage on Sefer Torahs seem to be important now, because somebody was selling it. Malka bought tinsels at The Christmas Tree Shop for Kiddish, because they were selling them. I think it also had something to do with her having the shul credit card. And her not paying for it. 
The argument from Samantha was that her house got damaged and they had no insurance. The rabbi explained that the shul is not in a basement. It turns came out that she had water damage. Fire and wind, it turns out, doesn’t cover water.
At first, I heard Baruch say earth, wind and fire insurance. I told him that was a band and they didn't sell insurance. That's why he changed it to just fire and wind insurance.

The board spends money on everything, because it's not their money. That's the problem. I think I'm going to stop paying my dues till I'm on the board. Then, I'm going to do upgrades on my home. Do non-profit renovations on my house.

Baruch wore his Yarmulke when he sold the Torah fire and wind insurance. So, the committee thought it was their religious duty to get it. That was the first time I saw him in shul in twelve years. To sell Torah Fire and Wind.

Lack of paid membership dues plague is a real thing. The board just hasn't figured out that people aren't members anymore. It's the lack of members plague. It's the lack of people wanting to sit at Kiddish with our congregants plague.

Beautiful Bris by the way. Great food. I understand why Simcha took it. Lox, scrambled eggs- the omelettish type where it's fried a little in a big pan and sticks together in big smooth pieces, everything bagels- for everybody. I love the Bris scrambled eggs. Special cafeteria style scrambled. And then bagels for everybody. Who doesn't love everything bagels? It has everything. Even if you like poppy seed, it's there. They even had Danish.
And Simcha was pretty smooth. You take a tin with that much confidence, you ask the caterer for your own serving utensil, you take it, nobody notices. They think it's your Simcha. That or you're working the kitchen.
Nachum and Rebbeca thought the other side of the family told Simcha to take the food. Who would fill up their own empty the platters in the middle of the Bris? And with tins?! And then to tinfoil it?!

Simcha, later in the week, expressed his anger that the caterer didn’t give him the leftovers at their Bris. So, he took it out on Nachum and Rebbeca.
He didn’t even know the kid’s name. When asked why he didn't offer to pay, Simcha said, "It's not my kid." That started a whole ruckus where Rebbeca had the nerve to say, "It's not your food." To which Simcha Was shocked. As he said, "My name is Simcha." 
That's probably where Simcha gets his name. He gets his food from Simchas.
It took a lot of talking to for Simcha to understand that the food at a SImcha is only yours at the Simcha. After he understood this, he started taking as much food as he could at the smorgsboard. And he also loaded from the buffet. Took a tin from the buffet to his table. His family ate well at the parties. He even started fasting for days before Simchas.
Later on, the rabbi said, "It's yours and others as well." That concept didn't compute, as Simcha has made it a point since to guard his plate at all cost. He built a table contraption to close off his area at Simchas now. He puts down his seating card and then places a plastic box over his area. Thus, creating a cubby for his plate.

The fact that Avinu Malkeinu added a minute to Davening, less congregants showed up to shul. They said they care about our people and Israel, as long as we keep Davening to a minimum.

The When Stealing from Bal Simcha Class led to how much you have to give as a gift. Since that class, Simcha has been packaging food at the Simchas and giving it to the Bal Simchas as a present. If it's a wedding, Simcha will package two trays of their food.

This is the second part of the story in Berachot 61b. But sometimes it's good to start with the part where the person dies. So, let us learn about Rabbi Akiva's death in praise of Gd. I figured that people need a bit of a pick-me-up. 

It was time for Kriyat Shema when they took Rabbi Akiva for execution. It seems to always work out that way. You're in the middle of something important, and it's time for the Shema prayer.
The Romans were combing Rabbi Akiva's flesh with iron combs. That hurts. In camp, the older guys once put toothpaste on a tennis racket and rubbed that on me when I was a kid. It was torture. I can only imagine iron combs with Colgate.
Now I know where those guys in the older division got it from. A bunch of anti-Semites. Self-hating Jews. Iron combs are serious. And it was torture. This isn't one of those straightening irons. This wasn't a modern day Israeli guy open shirt with curlies flying all out there. This was an iron comb running over Rabbi Akiva's flesh. This was serious. Almost as serious as not brushing your teeth. There are lessons for children in this story too.

It was at this time that Rabbi Akiva was accepting upon himself the Yoke of Heaven. Known as saying the Shema. Some people have Kavanah, intent in their prayers. Some people understand what they're saying. Rabbi Akiva was not spacing out like every one of congregants. As the iron combs were running over him, he focused on H'. You hear somebody cough and all Kavanah is lost. You're already thinking about Golden Grahams for breakfast. And I can't even get one of my students to study for a test.

Rabbi Akiva's students asked, “Even to this extent? Even now with burning iron blasted all over your skin? A cough can ruin Kavanah for anybody. What does it take to distract you? We thought you were kidding with that serving Gd with all of your soul. Jokes are jokes. We didn't realize you were serious.”
Rabbi Akiva answered, “All my days, I felt bad about the verse ‘with all your soul,’ meaning even if He takes your soul. I asked when will it come to my hands to be able to fulfill this? And now that this opportunity has come to my hands, should I not fulfill it?!” His students didn’t know if they were supposed to answer that question. Sometimes, your rebbe puts questions out there, and you think you're supposed to answer it. Next thing you know, they have the answer. 
At that point, the students didn’t ask anything more. They didn’t want another speech. At that point, Rabbi Akiva was asking why his students are still asking him questions, when he's dying. Even now, they're bothering him with questions.
Irony: "With all your soul" is in the Shema prayer. And it's also ironic that I used the word "irony." A little pun Rabbi Akiva might have appreciated at the time, if they spoke English.

Rabbi Akiva was extending the “Echad” the word "One" for H’. Until his soul departed at Echad. Some say he ran out of breath. It was probably the physical torture. Nonetheless, they never gave a length to the tradition of extending the word “Echad.” I’ve seen people in shul pass out. I’ve told my congregants to not continue past the point where their face turns red. Dying from the Shema is not a Mitzvah.
And you missed Zman Kriyat Shema because you were tired and needed a little more sleep. Were you tired from Romans trying to kill you?!

A voice from Heaven came and said, “Fortunate are you Rabbi Akiva, that your soul departed at the word 'Echad.'" Many people have been caught waiting for their rabbis to finish "Ahava Rabba" prayer, never to have the privilege to begin saying the Shema. Others, in modern day shuls, have waited for their rabbis to finish the Shema, passing away before they were able to move onto the next prayer.
The ministering angels said before the Holy One, blessed be He, "This is Torah and this is it’s reward?" And who said angels can't be sarcastic?!
Gd said to them, “Their portion is life.” Meaning eternal life. The Tzadik gets world to come. Where there are no Romans and people running toothpaste over a tennis racket on your chest. I think.
A voice from Heaven came and said “Fortunate are you Rabbi Akiva for you are invited to the life of the world to come.” How many people are invited to Olam Haba?! People usually just end up in the world to come. No invitation. Uninvited. They pass away quite rudely. Then they just crash the party. Show up all dapper in their shroud like the life of the party. The angels are like, “Who invited this guy?!” Angels can be quite snobby.
Rabbi Akiva was invited. He probably even had a place card set up for him at the dais. There's nothing worse than showing up and not finding your name on the place card table. You think they know you, and now they're scrambling to sit you at a table, pulling in a last minute chair in Gd's presence. 

Commentaries
Tzadiks are popular in the world to come. Rabbi Akiva showed up and Hillel and Shamai are high-fiving him, asking him questions they've been arguing over since they got to heaven. At this point, Rabbi Akiva is asking how he has to answer questions even in heaven.

Tosfot (Ketubot 103b “Mizsuman”) teaches that "invited to the life of the world to come" means he will have no judgment or suffering getting into the world to come. "Invited to the world to come" sounds like a curse. If you're a Tzadik, it's different. But it says "life." The Tzadik lives there. The Tzadik finally gets to relax, unless if Hillel and Shamai are still arguing.
The Maharsha teaches that the Tzadik's portion is in the world to come. It's not in this world, where you have to deal with students. 

Since I heard the story, I started keeping my Echads real quick.
The Gemara (Berachot 13b) teaches, “All who prolong the word Echad will have their days and years prolonged.” I shall start extending my Echads again. I guess I misunderstood the passing away during Echad part. I have to go over the story. I never get the point.
The Gemara is probably saying the world to come is prolonged. Either way, it seems like a good idea to extend the Echad a bit. It might take a few seconds off life, but it gives you eternal life of connection with One, Gd. Maybe even a place card.

Lessons of What Followed
There must be a lesson here. If you have anything, please let me know. It would be nice.
Wait. There must be something there about serving H' with all your soul.

Sometimes you should answer questions. Maybe if his students would've answered his question, Rabbi Akiva wouldn’t have been killed. If they just would've said, "Maybe it's better to say the Shema in the sanctuary." And from that day on, students started answering the questions their rabbis asked them.
Why we don't say ZT"L (Remember the Tzadik for a Bracha) for the Tanaim, I can't answer that. Rabbi Akiva should continue his Aliyas Nishama (a rising of his soul) in the merit of all the Torah he gave us. Same with Rabbi Yosef Karo and the Rama. Maybe there's a time limit on ZT"L. If we're still learning your Torah after four hundred years, we accept you're dead, and we'll remember your name.

One must choose life. However, when without a choice, you praise H' till the end. I've been in many extenuating circumstances of suffering, such as last Yom Kippur. The Chazin was so bad. Davening felt like it took days. But I still praised H's name. I like to think that I learned from Rabbi Akiva.

And it's because of Rabbi Akiva and his students that Torah lives.
To this day, parents use this story and speak of iron combs to get kids to brush their teeth before bed. They also use the story to let their kids know they have no excuse to not say the Shema, by scaring them.

***I probably got the story wrong. Maybe the Gemara is a better source. Berachot 61b might work as a good place to look, if you understand Aramaic. Or you can do what I did and check out the Artscroll Schottenstein Talmud Bavli Berachot 61b3. The footnotes there also make the commentaries much easier to misunderstand.

We didn’t know laws of Shechita before receiving the Torah, and the Torah was given on Shabbat, and you can’t slaughter on Shabbat, so we eat dairy on Shauvot. Some say the word Chalav, milk in Hebrew, equals forty, the days Moshe was up on Har Sinai... Any reason to eat cheesecake works. I’m fine not justifying it. As long as there is cheesecake, I will celebrate. Why do I eat cheesecake on Shavuot? Because people are making it, and it tastes amazing. I also have a tradition to use whipped cream. I don’t know what the source for that is.
Some say a two-loaf offering was brought in the Temple on Shavuot, so we eat two meals. One dairy and one meat. All good by me. That’s another meal. It's Halachikly acceptable, as long as there is cheesecake. 
 
(Berachos 16a) In order to not take away from their work, employees only recite two Berachas of Birkat Hamazon. This is why people show to work. To get out of benching.
For years I was afraid to eat bread due to the length of the post meal blessing. If I would’ve known I didn’t have to say the whole Birkat Hamazon, I would’ve got a decent job and enjoyed bread all this time. I would’ve contributed to society.

Rambam Hilchot Rotzeyach (11:4-5) teaches that one who puts themselves in danger is violating the positive commandment of (Devarim 4:9) "Beware of yourself and guard your soul." Thus, it is important to not deal with congregants. As they can be very annoying.
As with a deep ditch, for safety, a rabbi should put a fence around the congregation. At least ten handbreadths high, so the congregants stay away from you. Many are not aware of this, but the first Mechitzahs were built for the whole congregation. To keep them away.
One must also not put themselves in a danger when traveling. Thus, one mustn’t travel to date, as that can lead to marriage. I am here to answer all questions.
 
Rambam (Hilchot Melachim uMilchamot 6:7) teaches to not siege a city on all four sides. “A place should be left to flee and for all those who desire, to escape with their lives.” This is why committee meetings take place in a room with a door. So, people can escape with their lives.
The Rambam doesn’t give a list of excuses for getting out of meeting, such as “I have to pick up my child from baseball practice.” Or "I am going to renounce my membership if I ever have to see you people again." Those laws were developed later. In committee meetings.

Announcements
Women’s salsa dance classes will now be taking place in the shul every Wednesday. Men are not allowed, so salsa permissible.

We commend the old people for coming to shul, even though they have arthritis. The pain you deal with is unimaginable, as we hear you groaning in shul. To quote the rabbi: “It’s not as painful as having you as congregants

We ask that the men are honest and let the Gabai know if they’re too weak to do Hagba.
The women of the shul want the guys to know that they look like a bunch of weak losers. And it looks worse when they can’t open more than three columns. The women have sent a list to the Gabai, letting them know which husbands can’t even bring in the groceries from the driveway. The wives say their husbands are too weak, due to too much use of recliners. It turns out no man in this shul has any strength, or they just make it a point to not help out around the house.

Contemporary Halacha Class: What Is Arthritis and Why Does Every Old Jew Have It. How Hagba Has Caused Many Heart Attacks Among Jews Who Have Watched Our Congregants Lift the Torah. Working Out Is Not Forbidden- How Being Out of Shape and Looking Like a Congregant is Not a Religious Duty. How to Not Help Your Wife Around the House with Mr. Schwartzman.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bamidbar 14) They're told they are going to die in the desert... Sometimes honesty does not make you feel good. Knowing I have a contract at this shul for another three years does not make me feel good. Having to see Bernie every Shabbat does not make me feel good... Some people don’t like hearing they’re going to die...  Our ancestors wanted to live. They didn’t have congregants...

(Bamidbar 14:40-41) After shaming Gd with the spies fiasco, all the sudden they want to apologize and go to Israel, and Moshe says, “Why are you going against Gd’s word...” All of the sudden they accept Gd can help them. When they're going to die. As the saying goes, "There are no atheists in Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefeilah."
Just like Yitzie Chayim Moishie’s Hagba. Didn’t need help in the beginning, and then everybody had to run to help him...

When they hear they’re going to die, all the sudden, “We’ll listen to Gd now”... Well let’s talk about Timothy’s funeral... Okay. Then let's not talk about Timothy's funeral...

Moshe continues, “And it will not succeed.” It's too late. H' won't help now. The enemies will kill them without H’... Has anything in this shul succeeded?
Sometimes it’s too late. SOmetimes the punishment is there and you have to accept it. We haven’t even started the renovations and it’s too late... Too late to make it look good, because it’s not what H’ wanted... H’ wants an ark and people praying, Bernie. And I am having a hard time having to deal with you as a congregant...
It’s too late when you have a committee making decisions... Once the committee is formed. It’s too late. Gd is not there... Because committees make dumb decisions. They ruin everything beautiful about our religion. They get rid of Kichel at Kiddish... Well. Without Kichel, you've killed tradition. And without a floor in the shul...

You already ripped up the floor to the shul... It’s not helpful, because you can’t start the renovations yet. We are now Davening on a half a carpet... An old carpet is better than half a carpet. We need H's help to succeed, especially when our shul has committees... And I do worry about the Mechitzah Committee. H' is not on your side...

Rashi teaches “What you are going to do will not be successful.” If somebody would’ve just told the board that, maybe we would have a beautiful shul, and Bernie would stop talking. Maybe we wouldn't have a board. If somebody would’ve just told me there is no hope here... If we didn't have a board, we would have been redeemed...

When it’s too late and H’ doesn’t agree with you, don’t do dumb things, because it won’t work out... Then don’t go against the word of Gd. Who goes against Gd???!!! Why are you going against Gd?!!! Why did you get rid of the carpet and Kichel?! You're not the president of the shul...

It’s too late to do what’s right. Now we have Frum women dancing salsa... So now, if it’s a women’s event, it’s fine?! What happened to the "Hora" and "Mayim BSason"? It's Jewish dance class. When did salsa become Jewish???
Salsa??? Are we going to have merengue dance parties in the sanctuary now?... I was against the limbo. First Bar Mitzvah I saw that at, I kicked out the band...
Just because it’s in the women’s section does not make it Mutar. Just because it’s a women’s only event does not make it Jewish...

Do I have to hear you groaning in the middle of my sermon?... Your noise is painful. Just hearing you, I don't feel good... You are painful. Seeing you age hurts...
It’s painful because you’ve eaten like an animal till now. It’s too late for Felvel to be in shape. He has no hope... Yes you have to keep in shape. You just can’t do salsa... Because Jews don’t do salsa.
And now, all the sudden, you ask Gd for help with your arthritis.

And then to have to see you do Hagba. It’s pathetic. He can't help with that much patheticness... You needed the spot. Otherwise, the Torah would’ve fallen when you said “ouch. my back. My back is a goner...” You pulled your hand away from the Torah to clench your back. Pinchas caught the Torah. Saved us from all having to fast... Pinchas is a hero. A Calev...
Does the hand back there even work?! Does bringing your hand to the back stop the pain?!
Half the congregation is too weak to bring out the Torah, let alone Hagba. Pathetic... The Gabai never asks you because you look weak... I know you’ve been working out. You just look out of shape Yitz. No Yitzi has ever looked strong. Yitzi Chayim Moishie. I don't even think the ping pong team would've taken you...
Hagba has looked pathetic in this congregation. We got Shmuly going for eight columns... Looks great until you get all loose. It slacked and it was pathetic. You look strong and then “This guy is a loser. Somebody's got to pick up the parchment”...
Three columns is fine. You may look weak. But it doesn’t look as bad as when the whole shul has to jump to your aid... Why the Gabai is spotting you right away, right after he asked you to do Hagba is a smack in the face... It means he doesn’t trust you and wants you to look bad... It looks almost as bad as Galila. Probably even worse. At least Torah rolling takes some skill. A good tight Galila is respectable for weak people...
Without H’, it’s not successful. If you’re weak and without H’ you will die... The point is something bad will happen if you drop the Torah. Chas vShalom.

Nowhere in the Torah does Gd say he wants Jews to have their bellies hanging over their belts. Even if they do go out for choolante on Thursday night...

Work out for H’. Put in the effort. We are purchasing a weight room for the back of the shul... So you guys can work on your Hagba.
Accept that you have truly sinned and not prepared correctly. That you have listened to the Meraglim and are weak... The board. It’s all the same. If the board would’ve went to spy out the land, they would’ve come back with negative reports about the land and how it needs to be renovated... There will also be a dance studio. A weight room and a dance studio. That's how we'll connect with H'.

(Bamidbar 14:41) “For we have sinned.” All the sudden they say they've sinned. And our renovation committee still hasn't apologized for renovating my seat... You should apologize, because you haven't put on the other cushion. I'm sitting on concrete.
Or HaChaim teaches that their apology was not sufficient because it was not sincere. It was only because of regret that they’re not going to enter Israel.

When it’s too late, we know, it’s not sincere. Sincerity comes when you don’t make dumb committee decisions. When you don't have a Samantha Bracha Tova on the board...
Sincerity. Accept you messed up. Then you can succeed, accepting you’re a loser who doesn’t work out. Then you can succeed with a little three column pathetic Hagba. Accepting that Frum women don’t do salsa. At least you can be a good Jew. Not a member of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah...

It’s going against Gd’s word and it will not succeed. When it’s not sincere, it goes against Gd’s word. Like every one of you liars who told me this is a beautiful congregation... Well not anymore. After you finish renovations...

What will succeed? Not messing up everything to begin with. Not listening to Baruch Moishie and Samantha Bracha Tova Bas Bayla Yehudit... We have the fakest congregants... At least we can see the Botox. Your face is just not you. It's too late to apologize for that.
If you can sincerely see where you messed up on the renovations. The salsa. The Gabai who can't figure out a decent Hagba. Getting rid of Kichel...

Of course. Do Teshuva now. Sincere Teshuva. Timothy is dead... For this congregation it's too late. I don't think I could ever forgive you. It's only because you want me for another three years.

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi realized real quick that it wasn’t a good idea to talk about Timothy’s funeral. Nobody showed up. Not even the rabbi. It was a sore subject, especially because people found out later that Timothy had a lot of money.
The rabbi blamed the length of this week's sermon on Samantha Bracha Tova Bas Bayla Yehudit's name.

I think the rabbi was saying that congregants make him want to shoot himself. He truly connected with Moshe, as he said, "If I was leading you in the desert, I would’ve happily not gone into Israel with you. And I would've hoped the board would've perished." He softened that by saying, "Only because you would've sinned to Gd."

I believe the point the rabbi was making is that Frum Jews don't do salsa. If they dance, they can't do Teshuva. That, and that Geula hasn't happened yet because the board put together a committee who stopped serving Kichel at Kiddish. Which Gd doesn't support. And that is the reason the renovations in the shul are messed up. I believe that summarizes the message of the sermon. Our rabbi is always practical.

They couldn’t afford the office staff and the trainer. So, they got rid of the executive director and now we have Svan running the shul finances. How every trainer is names Svan I do not know.

Everything is a program nowadays. Nothing is holy. If it brings Jews, it’s a Jewish thing for a shul. They had pizza making. How that’s Jewish. No idea. They then had a book club where they discussed Grapes of Wrath. Somehow that’s Jewish if Jews are discussing it. It turned out that what truly made Grapes of Wrath Jewish is that it was Jewish women discussing it.
Anything that is forbidden is fine if it's a women’s events. They even have women singing hip hop and Cardi B in the shul now. Ladies Karaoke Night is Jewish, because it's just women. As long as it’s a women’s event, it’s Jewish. Popcorn and Pickleball is another event the shul started hosting in the social hall. Men tried joining, but they were kicked out for being heretics. Samantha Bracha Tova Bas Bayla Yehudit said, "Men make it Asur. Pickleball is only permitted for women." Now the women are also having shul pool parties. The men are allowed to learn Torah. That's not forbidden for men.

Our rabbi truly did stop the limbo. First time he heard it at the Bar Mitzvah, he kicked out that band. Then, all the sudden the limbo became tradition, along with the chicken dance. Which I feel is Asur, because it makes fun of chickens.

They grunt all day. The old men reach for schnapps at Kiddish and grunt. You hear a loud “Oy. My back.” Their backs are always going. I think they drink the schnapps to forget the pain.
All you hear in shul is the old people complaining about their pain. It's a competition. Competitive arthritis. Everybody has arthritis. I have no idea exactly what arthritis is. I believe it's any pain an old person gets from being old.
The rabbi explained arthritis in his contemporary Halacha class. To quote, "Every old person has arthritis because they have you as their children." So, I am thinking it's an old person disease that they get for having kids.

I understand strength classes. Habgba just looks pathetic when these guys do it. You see them going full arm out and then it all slacks. You’ve got four guys jumping in to help get the parchment back in place. They have to put it back on the table to roll it. It's a painful ordeal, especially when you have five guy's whose backs all go at once.
We need to get in better shape here. They all talk about security and the need for safety. If anybody came to attack our shul, half the members wouldn't be able to raise their arms. That's probably why they're always interrupting the Drashas. They're too weak to raise their hands with a question.

Men have to be honest and say they’re weak. or they haven’t hit the gym.
With the gym and salsa classes, the JCC is going to go out of business. The JCC has Israeli dance classes. But women's salsa classes are more Jewish.

Everybody should be safe. And this war should end soon. Israel should be surrounded by peace. And all evil wiped out from this world. I hope I didn't offend anybody with my lack of support for people wanting to kill Jews.
With that in mind, I've seen the resilience of our people, and how they have not let bomb shelters slow them down, or bring them down. They have done this by keeping active. Here are some activities I've seen our people doing in the bomb shelters and other ideas to help you get by.

Sing. Singing is a great activity. And bomb shelters have great acoustics. If there's one really good bomb shelter feature, it's that you sound real good. Better than you do in a shower. Which is why bomb shelters never have areas to bathe.
Don't stop singing for anything. Siren, bomb, not showering for three days, sing. When bombs are hurled at your home, you celebrate. Ballistic missiles fired at you should not stop a decent Niggun. 
That family that lost their house was still singing. Dad was sitting at his piano. He didn't even realize the place blew up. Why? He was singing.
"Acheinu" is quite meditative. You get into that on your piano, you don't realize you've been hit. You get into a NayNayNay trance, you don't hear the bomb going off in the kitchen. 

Kabbalat Shabbat. You're there anyways. You have another chance to sing. Go for it.

Schoolwork. The bomb shelter is where your kids have to do schoolwork. I can assure you that school is out. Any excuse to cancel school, it will happen. Teachers have a chance to not have to teach your kids, they will not teach your kids. Epidemics, war, price of cottage cheese going up, school is out. Weather outside over eighty degrees Fahrenheit school is out. Hence, school is out for the summer too. This is why a lot of people who grew up in the Southern United States are not well educated.
Teachers love epidemics and wars. They don't even hear war. They hear Zoom and sunbathing. 

Fight with your siblings. That's a good activity. Something to do. 
Board games are also fun. That will lead to a fight.

Sleep. Try to sleep. You may need to ask the kids to leave the bomb shelter for this to happen.

Post on social media. Do not miss a chance to look good online. Bomb shelter pictures will get some likes. Ma'amad family portraits makes the bombings worth it. Just make sure you're all smiling. Nobody wants to see bunker selfies with you looking all down.
​You won't get as many likes as you did for your family vacation pictures in the Bahamas, swimming. But people will like it. 
I'm getting the feeling that giving a thumbs up to some of the bomb shelter posts is giving people the wrong idea. When scrolling posts, I am going to start giving that heart hugger.

Community bomb shelters can be fun. Fart and then look at people's faces. I am sorry. I had to. I'm just throwing out ideas to bring some joy to the bomb shelter living.
Or just look at people's faces after having to smell you. This is most fun when in a bomb shelter for a few days.

Family bonding. Another way of saying the kids are fighting.

Pray. Pray a lot. Tehillim is always good. As long as it's Hebrew and you don't understand it.
Nachlaot in Jerusalem learned from previous Intifadas. They found themselves Davening in a bomb shelter and decided to make it their shul.

Dance. Jews seem to like dancing in these shelters. If you're in a bomb shelter, party.
We're always dancing. Bombings, bomb shelters, football matches, on flights, army bases, in tanks, middle of attacks, we are dancing. House blows up, we're dancing. Singing and dancing.
Maybe we should slow down on the dancing. People are getting the wrong idea from much of what everybody's posting. They see everybody singing and dancing in the bomb shelters and they think we love it. Israel loves getting shelled. For world opinion, we need to be in there crying, not singing the "We Will Not Fear" song. Especially with that happy jump dance they do everywhere.
Palestinians look like they're starving, eating corned beef sandwiches with Greta Thunberg. Jews look like they're having a ball, sleeping in bomb shelters, missiles raining down on them, having overnight disco parties. 
Iran is saying, “What have we done? Look. They’re loving it.”
Dance. Just don't post it. We look like a messed up society of people who love having rockets aimed at us. 
Point is, enjoy every moment. Just don’t let other people know we’re a happy people. Nobody supports happy people. Happy people are aggressors.

In one bomb shelter they had a unicycle, guy on a tightrope and a woman flipping trapeze style. Bomb shelter carnivals are generally a bit much for most Ma'amads. Some outside activities are not meant to be done in ten square foot settings with eighty people. Juggling fire is one of them. But they did it.
Point is, do not let war get in the way of your fun. 
Workout. That's what my nephew is doing. Forget about war, he's worried he might lose some mass. It’s what the bombs are going to do to his bench press.
We’ve truly got to slow down on the fun. At least posting it. These Jew haters around the world truly think we love getting bombed.

Give a Shiur. That's a great way to end the party.
Talk politics. That's even a better way to end a party.
Share your opinions. That's a much better way to end a party. That will get everybody mad. 
Shares memes of Bibi and the Ayatollah. 

Answer the phone. The in-laws will keep you active, answering the phone a good three times an hour. They will help keep your mind off the attacks by asking you if bombs are going off in your building.
They're worried in America. They want to know you're also having an anxiety attack.
Get your mind off what’s going on in Israel and your bunker living, and focus on the people who are truly suffering right now. Your in-laws in America didn’t sleep last night. Think about them and what they're going through, sitting in their home, watching Fox. 
Side note. It would be appreciated if Fox News only showed the Israelis dancing in the bomb shelters, for the in-laws.

News. Watch the news to remind yourself that they're shooting at you. Just in case you haven't heard from the in-laws in a few hours.

Start a sit in. If you're in the bomb shelter long enough, you're already doing it. Give it a cause. Maybe say you're protesting teachers who don't work. 

I love that our people keep happy no matter what. Keep on dancing. Maybe just don't post it.
Don't post everything on social media. With all the singing, dancing and acrobatics, people are starting to think we enjoy being locked up in a shelter. Like we're enjoying the missiles and shrapnel aimed right at us. We have to make things look worse. Otherwise, world opinion will never be on our side.
We have to find a way to make it look like we don't enjoy running to bomb shelters.

And sing some more. It keeps people from sleeping. 
I hope this will help you bring more happiness and joy to your bomb shelter.
Whatever the case, we've got to start recording in these Ma'amads. With the acoustics, great sound. 

***Please note. The Kibbitzer Magazine takes no responsibility for David and his messed up ideas. We received one response from a concerned reader. It read: "Enjoying the bomb shelter???! What is wrong with this guy? Is he an idiot?! I understand a piano and a good 'Acheinu,' but dance parties?!" David's response was, "They look like a lot of fun and a good place Daven."

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about the shul trying to raise money, and Shwarma made by Yashki, while waking people who are trying to sleep at Costco with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for expressing his concern about people getting too excited, burning themselves, instead of waiting for sunflower seeds.

Announcements
It’s Father’s Day this Sunday, so remember who to blame for messing you up.

After the board’s investigation, we want all to know we don’t have any Sotahs in the shul. Nonetheless, Mrs. Bergenfeld is not trustworthy. We don’t suggest you trust Mrs. Bergenfeld with your plate at Kiddish. She’ll swipe your Kichel.

If anybody wants to keep their donation that they donated already, as donations, now is the time to donate more money. 
As a new fundraiser, the renovations committee has decided that any donations made in the past are not donations anymore. Nobody cares about Freddy Markowitz dying eight years ago. To quote the President of the Board: "We already got the money from that death." But we will care about Freddy again if you donate another Parochet, curtain, for the Aron.

Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Mess Up Your Bar Mitzvah Parsha Because Your Dad is a Sinner and Never Around. The Obligation of a Shul to Not Care for Your Loved Ones Who Have Passed Without a Donation. Women You Shouldn't Trust in Shul and What It's Like to Be on a Committee with Mrs. Bergenfeld, Even Though She's Ninety.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bamidbar 8:22) “After this, the Levites came to perform the service.” They prepared. They didn’t just show up, like Yankel for his Bar Mitzvah... Worst Layning I've ever heard. Did Yankel even know it was Behalotcha?!... If he listened during Hebrew school classes, it would've been better. Still would've got it wrong, but he would've been reading Hebrew... Yankel. The Torah was not written in Sanskrit.
When you have a Gabai that puts no effort into anything, you get Shavuot with no flowers on the Bima. There wasn't even a dandelion... Well. Putting together a flower committee was the problem. A committee of dads. Have you ever seen a father in this shul help?!... They’re always running around. Working. Not helping Yankel... They run to not help.
Without preparation the service gets messed up. You end up with a Chazin like...

(Bamidbar 9:2) “The Pesach sacrifice at its time...” Have we ever started Minyin on time? There’s a time for Minyin. Not a half hour late. It doesn't say in the Torah to start Shacharit half hour after it's Zman. "Make sure to Daven to H' at the wrong times."
Things were at times. When you’re running... I understand you want to get away from the kids. Then, tun to Minyin...
You prepare in order to do things at the right time. Our shul prepares to do things late... The dinner last month started two hours late. And that was prepared. Even the caterer starts stuff late at our shul... Sean Christopher Catering is not a member...

When did they serve? Good question. Well let me tell you... The Pesach service was on Pesach. "at its time"... The Pesach time is Pesach. Not during Rosh Hashana...
(Bamdibar 9:19) When the cloud was there for many days “the children of Israel kept Gd’s shifts (Mishmeret) and didn’t travel.” You can’t keep Gd’s shifts on the road with Hells Angels. The Levites weren't ride or die... I understand you like to ride and get away from your family for Father’s Day. We all deserve that gift. I want to get away from this shul... There should be a Rabbi’s Day. A day where congregants hold off on asking dumb questions... You can’t do Gd’s Mitzvot of raising a good family in a biker bar...
You can’t accomplish on the move. When you’re on the road, you’re stagnant... I know you’re moving, but you’re not... Travel is when you accomplish nothing, other than getting away from your family. Which I understand has value. Travel is why your lawn looks disgusting... Mow the thing before your trip then...
You have to be in one place. That is how you serve H’... You’re not doing shifts when you’re out fishing in Vermont.
You’re all always running. Trips, vacation. The only place you’re not running to is shul.... How much do you do in Disney World... I know the Epcot is cool. Is there a Tabernacle there?

When is the time? When you’re still. Inertia... The laws of inertia are objects in motion accomplish nothing...

You have to prepare. But once you have it all down, you stay. If you want to accomplish, if you want to serve, you stay in the same spot...
I'm not saying that everything accomplished is good. See the youth of our shul... Somebody messed you up. You don’t end up like this without nurture...
I called the day school. They said it’s not their fault. I spoke to the athletics department at the JCC. They’re not taking blame. You can't blame them. Blame your dad. It’s your dads' faults. Because they're around... Your dads mess you up. Sometimes, being present doesn't help...

Yankel's dad should've been around. That kid needed somebody to help with the Layning.
Last week we learned that we do not have any Sotahs in the congregation... Dad is always traveling. That’s why there are the Sotah accusations. You can’t serve your family when traveling... Around or not around, you're messing up your kids here... We also did Nida checks...
You still have to honor your father. You do that by not running around. Going to Guatemala is not how you honor your dad... We all know Yankel’s dad messed up. If Yankel’s dad wasn’t always running around, his Layning would’ve been decent... At least he would’ve felt guilty enough to practice...
A male Sotah. Traveling for business?!...
Stealing is still wrong Mrs. Bergenfeld. Even if it’s off somebody’s Kiddish plate, it’s still Geneyva... It doesn't make you a Sotah. Even so, you are not to be trusted...

It’s about Kedusha. We have a shul in place here. It’s in one place. We should be serving Gd... The whole idea of the traveling shul, what you guys call engagement, is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. "Let's have a shul in different houses every week, so that people who don't go to shul will come to shul..." Well. They're still not going to shul. They're popping over to Ruchie's house... 

The cloud was lifted a long time ago. But you are still here in the shul. So. I have to deal with you...
Prepare and serve. This Tabernacle was already built. We can serve here. In the shul. Now... Don't need to have Shabbat Minyin on the golf course. As engagement... 
It has all been prepared. Donations have been given to the shul. It has been built. We are here... So. What you have decided are donations, are worthless... Getting rid of donations brings in new donations?! I don't understand. It's as if you want to move out all the dead people and bring in new ones... Well, whose name is on the Torah cover?...
How are new Torah covers and Parochets, curtains, part of renovations now?... But people donated those. It was prepared. It is now up to us to serve Gd with them... That is an actual message, Bernie. Dealing with what we learned in the Parsha... I know that was meaningful...

Shul is about tradition. You don’t just get rid of stuff because the donation is over. Donations are how we prepare. We prepared... They didn't renovate the Tabernacle. It was built, and that was how it stayed until they had to move. You prepare and you serve while there... I have suggested moving the shul to Israel. Or at least paying me to live there...
You have tagged the Torah cover. I would be perfectly fine if the Cornblooms took the board out for it. This is donation Gangland you’re creating... Well, the Cornblooms' grandfather also died. And he died before yours.
Tradition has everything to do with donations from the past... Now you’re giving away Max’s seat??? It was a lifetime seat... He’s still here. He paid for it. But now he has to pay again, as part of renovations... So you have renovated his donation to the trash.
So, we’re taking down the Markowitz Parochet and putting up a new Markowitz Parochet... Again. Moving things. That is when you're not serving Gd. Even if there is money involved... Shul is not just about money. It's about commemorating the dead for money...

(Bamidbar 9:23) “At the word of Gd they encamped and at the word of Gd they traveled.” There are times to travel. But that is according to when Gd tells you to. Not when you feel a draft... I understand you like to go down to Florida. But a wind comes through our town and that next day you're on a plane to Boca... It's June. It was a breeze. Topeka has fresh air. It doesn't kill you. Even if you feel it... You can call it a draft and it still won't kill you.
We didn’t leave until Gd said, “Now it’s time.” He did that by bringing up the cloud a bit. Gd did not say to change the Parochet. He didn't say that donations of the past mean nothing. He also didn't tell Tzachi to ruin his marriage. He didn't say, "There's a breeze in the desert. Now it's time to take the Tabernacle to Fort Lauderdale." He didn't say, "Go to Florida and leave your family." If H' lifted the Torah covers, I would understand that we need to renovate and change.
Then we pulled out silver trumpets... We celebrated it, because Gd told us to. It had reason. Nobody is celebrating the renovations in this shul and forgetting their grandparents... Your band is not heavenly. There is not trumpet. Gd doesn't appreciate kazoos... 
And they finally settled in Israel... Every time there is a storm, we don't say, "Now it's time to move." We didn't move the Temple from Jerusalem to Bat Yam, because there is less of a breeze there.

You do things in their time, with preparation. But you have to be there to do them. You have to be present for Gd to tell you. This is why we have Pesach Sheini... Because you guys mess up everything, and you're not around. And that is why your son can't Layn. A Busha...

Rivka's Rundown
A beautiful message to the dads for Father's Day. Our rabbi always knows how to bring meaning to our celebrations. 

Shavuot was pathetic. No floral arrangements. Ended up having to have kids cut flowers. Turned into a paperchain. I thought they were celebrating Sukkot in the sanctuary.
Turns out anything our kids do turns into a paperchain or paper mache.
Last resorts always end up with the kids. It goes from committee to “let the kids do it.” That shifts all blame to the little ones. According to the parents, the children of our shul can’t do anything wrong. The rabbi disagrees. And the rabbi made a point of saying he doesn't consider paperchains art, or flowers. He sparked a whole debate in the shul. Fights were had and the result is the Shavuot committee has decided that whatever kids say they did is true. So, paperchains are not considered flowers in our shul.

Our congregants are messed up. And I would say it’s the parents’ fault. We have to blame somebody, and the rabbi is not willing to blame himself.
"Around or not around, you're messing up your kids here." I am not sure what the rabbi was trying to say. I think the rabbi was promoting divorce. At least getting rid of the husbands.
​The rabbi truly ripped into Yankel's family. His Layning was off. Truly off. To quote the rabbi, "Off. Like his dad."

Our congregants are always getting away. Their goal is to not be in Topeka. They live here to not be here. That's their reason for living. They run. They pack for their trips. They never mow their lawn for their trips.
It turns out our shul can't accomplish a Minyin when people are not around.

The rabbi actually checked if there were Sotahs. The rabbi generally helps with Nida checks, though he’s colorblind. This time he did the regular checks and made every Nida drink seltzer.

Mrs. Bergenfeld swipes everything. She’s eighty-eight, yet a very aggressive Kiddish eater.

The rabbi is so against this whole new idea of what the board calls "engagement." The idea is you reach out to people where they are at. So, you go to the bar, the sports club, and you don't go to shul. The engagement committee said we have to go to the bar more often and have services there, while getting a bit drunk to connect better. That idea was brought up by the Kiddish club. It is the one program in our shul that is well attended. The only Minyin that people show up early to.
Everything has a committee now. The engagement committee, the Shavuot committee, the Layning committee which kicked Yankel out of the shul. We have at least fifteen committees. I think the same people are on each one, as each committee ends up doing the same thing. They talk for a few minutes about their kids and they do nothing.

The rabbi is so correct. I am not donating anything. I'm not even donating Kiddish. Watch this. I will donate Kiddish on Shabbat, and then somebody else will donate it too, and my name will be off it.
I heard that the office takes double Kiddish donations, sometimes triple, and they charge everybody fully. It's a scam. 
I think I saw the secretary once take down a plaque in front of the library and put up a different one for dead person photo op. I think the families are giving the money. The dead person's name gets put up, but the family flips the bill. So, they take the picture of the dead person's name and send it to the family. Conclusion, when you give a donation, it's for the picture of the plaque.
The shul has pulled over 100k on the Markowitz Parochet. Taken it down and put it back up around eight times. Each time, the Markowitz family gives more for the curtain, to keep that name on it. It's donation extortion. 

The board is now arguing that tradition in a shul is not important. They had a meeting and decided that tradition counts if it raises money.

The board has decided that everything is part of renovations. They even got a new strainer. The Maurice Landsfeld Strainer.
They started the renovations two months ago. They have now renovated a Torah cover. Renovated the Simchovitz family off it.

The renovation committee is doing what they can to get rid of drafts in our town as well. They want the shul to be more accessible for older people and people with disabilities, such as age. The idea with the renovations is to make shul wheelchair friendly and free of drafts. 
One member mentioned beer at Kiddish and some of the older people freaked out when they heard they might bring draft. I thought that was funny. I came up with that joke. You get it? Draft beer. 

The Mrs. Bergenfeld class title was the longest class title we ever had. I think it was a statement of anger. In the class, the rabbi addressed the contemporary Halacha of stealing his choolante meat. 

I still felt like I hadn't fulfilled the Mitzvah of Father's Day. With everything from last year, my father still didn’t buy me a flight to fulfill the Mitzvah correctly. If my dad doesn't give me money, how can I do the Mitzvah for him?
So, I needed to find a father in Israel to fulfill the Mitzvah. 

I Need To Fulfill the Mitzvah of Father's Day
A kind religious Jew noticed me sulking at a bus stop outside the Old City of Jerusalem. "Why would a man be sulking?" he asked. I told him I need a dad. He said, "You're thirty years old. It's time for you to grow up." It was hard hearing that from a six-year-old.
I explained. "I needed a Tateh to fulfill the Mitzvah of Father's Day." The kid said he never learned about the Mitzvah of Father's Day. Which was bothersome. You would think nursery school is the one place they would teach about that.
Another man at the bus stop overheard my whining and told me that in Israel they celebrate Father's Day every day. I let him know I don't have enough money for that many gifts. I also expressed how not happy my father would be if he had to pay for that many gifts for me to buy him.
One man began shouting in prayer form "Avinu SheBashamim" (Gd in Heaven). I found out he had a falling out with his father, and he now only sees H' as his father. Another guy said that Rav Ovodia Yosef is our father in heaven. It turns out he saw the Shas slogan before the last election. I was very confused. And I wasn't going to buy gifts for Rav Ovadia Yosef who had already passed away. As for H', I will bring Him gifts when He rebuilds the Temple.

I Finally Found a Dad
Sitting at the bus stop, I saw a man smack a child on his Tush for not running into the street. I said, "That's a Dad. I finally found one."
The child yelled at his dad. It turns out this family also doesn't celebrate Father's Day. I told the dad about the idea of Father's Day and Mother's Day, and how Americans make sure to make it easier on those parents on those days. And he said to his child, "If this is tradition, today, you watch over yourself." And the dad went to play billiards.
I followed this dad to the pool hall, as his child was stranded at the bus stop in commemoration of Father's Day. I told him he was a great dad. He said, "I don't know you." I told him I was his today. As he left the pool hall and passed by his kid, he made his way to his house. I followed him and he kept asking me to reiterate this concept of not having to watch over your children on this day.
I had just learnt that all Jews are responsible for each other and thus I told him he is responsible to be my dad. He told me, "You're not getting any money." He then kicked me out of his house. To quote: "I never met you. Get out of my house before I shoot you... You're not getting an inheritance from me!"
I left that house and prayed that guy's kid was OK. It's amazing how Mitzvahs can backfire on a stranded eight-year-old.
 
Follow Up Notes
They don't celebrate Father's Day in Israel. The Mitzvah seems to be you're supposed to honor your father every day. That's painful. I told my rabbi I was thinking about going back to America where you don't have to honor your father as much. My rabbi told me the Mitzvah is every day in America too.
My rabbi also said that Father's Day is not a Mitzvah, and somebody should bring that child back to his house. My rabbi ended up reporting that Israeli father for neglect of a third grader.

I found a dad. It was somebody else's. It turns out that his child has to do his own Kibud Av vEim. I can't do it for him. Otherwise, I will get locked up.
 
I still felt it important to follow up with the Israeli father to fulfill extra Kibud Av vEim, and to make sure his child was OK. I sent a card to the Israeli father. He didn't appreciate it as he didn't understand my Hebrew transliterated into English. The card read, "Mah Shlomcha... Ani Choshev Alecha..." I believe it's good he didn't understand the card. It's a good thing he didn't understand, "How are you?... I am thinking about you..." I learned that hose are the last words written on a letter from a serial killer. They might have reported me for stalking. 
I showed up at their house and we had a BBQ and his kids thought it was Independence Day.
I was thinking about buying a Father's Day gift for the Israeli dad, but that didn't happen. I didn't buy the Israeli father a shirt at Fox. Nobody needs to see another Israeli dad walking around in a tight shirt. Walking down the beach in Tel Aviv is already painful enough.

My rebbe later taught me that there is no substitute for your father. I started calling my rabbi, my rebbe. This way I could blame him if I did anything wrong.
"Honor the elderly." That's a precept I learned a few days later. One that you must practice with people that aren't your dad. Hence, I stopped treating other people as my dad. Instead I started treating them as elderly and treated them with the respect one must show our seniors, as the Mitzvah teaches. It turns out that not all fathers in their forties like when you take them by the arm to help them cross the street.
 
From now on, I'm going to call my dad and say "I love you," no matter how awkward it makes our relationship. That will be my Father's Day gift. It's cheaper for my father and less of a hassle than picking out an Israeli dad. It's also easier than traveling back to America for a visit. I don't want them to have to renovate the kitchen every Father's Day, so I can eat in it. I don't know if me starting to keep Kosher is a good Father's Day gift.
After calling my father every day for a week, he told me it's not a Mitzvah to call every day. To quote, "Part of honoring me is not having to hear from you."

(Peninei Halacha, Zemanim 4:5:1-4) It’s a Mitzvah to celebrate when we were saved, like on Yom HaAtzmaut, or when we got out of shul early. You have to celebrate the gifts from Gd. And not having to hear a sermon is one of them... This is why we celebrate Chanukah and Purim. There were no sermons or Chazins on Chanukah and Purim, and we were saved. At least there was no singing in my shul until some of these guys decided that it would be a good idea to pull out a guitar for Hallel.
We celebrate being saved from Mitzrayim, from slavery. Kal vChomer, even more so we must rejoice when we are saved from death. And I sometimes feel the need to hurt a Chazin who goes too long. Hence, we should celebrate getting out of shul early. And that’s how we Halacha is developed. And that’s how drinking schnapps at Kiddish started.

The Chatam Sofer (Yoreh De'ah 233) wouldn't do Lag Bomer parties as there are no new Yom Tovs after the destruction of the Temple. And that’s why birthdays in the Chatam Sofer's house were depressing. The kids were sitting on the floor waiting to build the Third Beit Hamikdash so they could get a decent cake with a number on it. Some of the grandchildren are still waiting to celebrate being ten.
Though, he did say that those who celebrate Lag Bomer with pure intention will be blessed, which now makes it confusing. And I'm stuck between the two, celebrating in an unhappy way.
And I'm now trying to light fires with pure intention, which has people worried.
 
(Shemot 21:15, 17) Cursing one’s parents is punishable by death. So don’t drive behind your mom or dad when they get older. Old people drive slow.
You’re allowed to beep your parents, as long as there is no curse behind the beep. And don’t work for your dad. It’s natural to curse anybody that makes you work. And don't help with chores around the house. That leads to cursing. You take out the garbage to honor your parents, and the next thing you know, you're cursing them for giving you a beautiful life.
 
Jerusalem wasn’t given to a tribe in the times of Yehoshua. It was for all the tribes. Now, the Churches own a good half the land, representing the Christian tribes of Greece, Armenia and Rome. I don't think they were mentioned in the Torah, which must be how they got a great deal on it. Either that or by murder. Which is a great way to save money...
The Jewish tribes are sticking to the Halacha and still don't own it, and thus Jews pay a very high rent, known as mortgage. And they are going to heaven broke.
How mortgage is rent is something even I can't explain. It's one of the many miracles of Yerushalayim. That, and the guy at the Shuk still yelling the price of Rugulach, when he has a sign saying "25nis" right there.

Announcements
Tikun Layl Shavuot was an excellent evening. A couple of people learned. But the conversations and cheesecake truly brought the community together. We want to thank the Simchovitz family for sponsoring the cocktails. We will try to keep learning down to a minimum next year, as we noticed Torah disturbs conversation. 
The rabbi’s class was great. Next year, we ask community members don’t take over the Shiur. We know you have thoughts on Tzedakah, and you don’t like to give it. Even so, the rabbi prepared sources charity. Note: Sources does not mean you have to give.

It turns out kids in our shul don’t have parents. If for some reason you have a kid in shul running around and disturbing everybody, please claim the child. Little kids screaming Birkat Kohanim doesn’t add to the blessing. Cuteness doesn’t bring Bracha.
And with that, we do wish a Mazel Tov to the Trumpelman family on the birth of their daughter.
 
Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Not Parent Like Our Congregants- Reasons for Bringing Kids to Shul to Bother Everybody. How Cheesecake Made Me Want to Be Jewish. The Importance of Talking During Torah Reading To Get People To Shul.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Why am I bringing up Sotah??? The way some of the people in this shul dress, I would not be surprised... I did not say women. I said “people.” The men in this shul don’t wear suits. What do you think they’re doing on Shabbis? Golfing??? Golfing with whom...
(Bamidbar 5:15) The sacrifice brought by the husband of the accused Sotah is without oil or frankincense “because it is a meal-offering of jealousies, a meal-offering of remembrance, a reminder of sin.”
Jealousy and sin do not taste good. Especially without frankincense... Have you ever eaten at the Bergstein's? No frankincense. I don’t even think they use salt. A lot of jealousy leads to bad cooking... Why is it your second marriage? Your spouse could make a decent choolante. Exactly... Your jealous of Mrs. Finehart's choolante with all the accoutrements. The kishka, short ribs. She even puts in eggs.
Sin does not taste good, Pinchas. We know you've tasted sin. We saw you at Shelly's Delicacies the other day. How much chocolate did you take down?... Sinner.

"Jealousies... A remembrance, a reminder of sin.” Sin leads to jealousy. Or jealousy leads to sin... Or jealousy is a sin. Or people are jealous of people who sin. Or jealousy doesn't have frankincense in it. I don't know which one it is.
I don’t think we need any more reminders of sin in this shul. With the way the renovations are going, there has been enough sin. Now everybody is jealous of Beis Knesses Beit Bitul. And that's a shack... The women's section talk is not jealousy. How can we not speak Lashon Hara about Freida and her new doily?...

The whole thing about the stomach distending and thighs. Nothing to do with heavy people cheating on their spouses... I get acid reflux all the time and all I've ever done is went out bowling with my buddies... My buddies from Yeshiva.

And all of that jealousy and sin leads to a bad reputation.
No matter if she is innocent or not (Bamidbar 5:31) “that woman shall bear her iniquity.” She wears it on her sleeve. We all see it. She passes and everybody mocking her, "That's the innocent woman." Just like we see that doily. You can't take something out of a breadbasket and not get a reputation...
Sforno teaches that she secluded herself with the suspected adulterer. You put yourself in a bad situation and you get a reputation, like the renovation committee who now has a reputation for doing nothing and being useless. You have the reputation of being a committee... I've put myself in this shul. My fault. I bear that iniquity of being around heretics...
This is what caused the jealousy and the public humiliation of the woman. It is the stain. The reputation. And reputations stay.
Our congregants have a reputation for dressing quite poorly... If you dressed LKavod Shabbis, nobody would accuse you of not keeping Shabbis. If you looked decent, nobody would accuse you of being single, Nachum.

Actions that deem sin are a problem. They cause true sin and jealousy. No matter what, they leave a reputation.
It's the Sotah’s actions of being alone with a man that is not her husband that has a snowball effect... Ever mad a snowman?! Make a snowman and you'll understand the metaphors.

There is a lot of iniquity in this shul. Public humiliation. Jealousy and bad tasting food. You have a reputation for bad tasting food and talking a lot... To lose that reputation, get a new crockpot and add some decent meat. More fatty meat.

You have to stop talking. Or you will never learn Torah... I don't care what the Tikun Layl Shavuot committee said. Learn something... I've been talking about the Sotah. Not soda. Though, fizz can distend your belly.
Point is the rabbi is talking and he doesn't care if he's disturbing your conversation... Because it's a sermon, Bernie. You don't show up to a speech to talk. At sermons the rabbi talks... That rabbi is not the shul rabbi. He has a reputation for being a Mashgiach. He can't be trusted with people... Well. He bears the iniquity of his job. He should be respected, but that's the reputation the community gives him... Then you shouldn't have fired Rabbi Dan from teaching at the Cheder. Then again, he shouldn't have been around kids alone. Always a bad decision... Do you not want to hurt them too?!...
This is why I got rid of the QandAs. You all like to talk. You don't ask questions. You just talk...
It's the Tikkun. I think we have to fix the night of Shavuot in this shul. We have to fix this congregation and that doily on Freida's head. It's falling off now... Because it's a flat piece of paper.
Talking is not learning. Talking about where Benjamin purchased his suit is not Torah conversation. If it was a Shabbat suit... Edward. You took over the class, and you have nothing to teach. No Torah... The only source about Tzedakah that you have is your shul bill and dues you haven’t paid... You just started talking. You couldn't find anybody to have a conversation with. So, you decided to "ask a question" and have a conversation with the whole Shiur...

You have a reputation for drinking a lot. You drank so much, you wouldn't remember if there was Torah.
I prepared. I had sources... You prepared your conversation about how you like whipped cream on your cheesecake... Add frankincense to that cheesecake and that is a Torah conversation.

We have to be strong, to remember what jealousy does. We have to not be jealous. Because that is where the sin comes from... There is no reason to let anything cause jealousy...
The guy should've divorced his wife if he has to accuse her... Again. Look at the men in this shul. Any chance??? Any woman sitting at a meeting with a man from this shul, you can't accuse anybody. So not good looking. And ugly suits... A reputation for not good-looking men.

Mazel Tov to the Trumpelmans on the birth of a daughter... How did the birth come so fast... 
You must parent your newborn, or you will get a reputation of being an absentee parent. Otherwise known as parents in this shul... Well, you don't watch over them... 
Nobody cares if your child is cute. The cuteness is annoying. Parent. A kid makes noise. It's the parents’ fault...
We will support you all in your parenting. Do not be afraid to parent. The Trumpelmans should know that we have their backs. You give your child a little smack, we will support you...
We need to support our parents. Kids make noise and their take their kid, carry them out of shul, we must applaud. They smack them, we must cheer. Parents need our support... And give your kids candy. Healthy child rearing does not help with a child’s love for Yiddishkeit. Children only love Yiddishkeit when their religion involves sour sticks...
We have a reputation for parents not helping out. And that has stained our shul. And it has brought about sin and jealousy of the kids in the other shuls who get as much candy as they want...

We tried giving the kids soda, to see who their parents might be. Didn't work. Turns out, they now just have distended stomachs. And they're still running around the shul without parents... We are going to report the lone children to child services... Then parent!!!! If it's your thing, parent!!!
Do you want anybody else's kids in this shul? Look around. You don't want that?! No reason to be jealous...

Jealousy is a sin too. It makes no difference who is jealous. And it reminds us of sin. And then somebody gets a bad reputation. Don't eat at the Bergstein's...
In the end, all you have is humiliation. The bearing of iniquity. Does anybody want that?... I am not jealous of the board. They are just a bunch of sinners...

Nobody in this shul should be jealous. Look around. There is nothing to be jealous of... Bernie was happy when his wife left. He couldn't understand why Herman went for Ethel. He was shocked and bothered that Herman would be attracted to that.
To quote Bernie, "Maybe if she used some frankincense."

Judging the reputation is the iniquity. That is what the community bears. And it all stems from jealousy. Jealousy that Rabbi Dan was a good rabbi.
The Sotah must bear her iniquity. I say bear it. Bear your iniquity. Be a reminder to the people that they are jealous, that they are judging. And that you brought jealousy. And stop doing dumb stuff...
I want to commend our congregants for giving nobody something to be jealous of.

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi's sermons are always educational. I now know so much more about frankincense. And he did a great job of letting us know to not be jealous, because the shul is full of losers.

The message of reputation was so true. Rabbi Dan is a Mashgiach now, because they won't let him around people anymore. Mashgiach work is where the place the rabbis they don't trust with people.

The men in the shul do not dress with sports jackets anymore. Just pants and short-sleeve shirts. They are definitely sinning. And their wives are jealous, because they have to wear a hat to shul, and they're shvitzing.

The shul renovations started, but they haven't moved at all. Now the shul has a reputation of getting nothing done. Truth is, I have never seen a committee get anything done. They did kick us out of the shul two months ago though. So, now we're praying in the Kiddish room, around the Rugulach. It's a Rugulach vigil on the Bima.

Due to the Tikun Layl Shavuot committee's decision to keep Torah from disturbing conversation, the shul has decided that the Baal Koreh must keep the Torah reading at a minimum. We have since lost three Baal Korehs who read the Torah "too loud." They Torah readers have been deemed conversation interrupters. And there is no room for that in shul.
People come to shul to talk. For good conversation.

At the rabbi’s Shavuot class everybody took over and started giving their speeches. They thought the rabbi’s class was a QandA. They are supposed to ask questions at those. Our congregants skip the question part at the QandAs. They take the mic and give their speeches. Sadie once got on the microphone and said, "Now it's my time to talk." The guest speaker asked her why they were brought in for a speech on medical ethics. Sadie let them know, "So that I could share what I think about sanitizer." Sadie is very big into sanitizing her hands. She then went and got the sanitizing bottle and wiped down the mic stand. It was a twenty-minute ordeal. 
The rabbi was talking about taking money from heretics. The rabbi was talking about the members of our shul. He always speaks to his audience. The members thought he was talking about other people and started sharing their thoughts on charity from Apikorsim and felons. 
The Jewish Federation director was apparently fine taking all the money.

The board felt it was important to note that sources and learning about charity does not mean you have to give it. They were worried they would lose members if anybody thought they had to give Tzedakah. To quote Rachel at the meeting, "Having to do Mitzvahs is what keeps people away from wanting to be Jewish. We have to change that."
Nonetheless, all congregants agree that a few people should give money to the shul for renovations. Just not them. They all agree the shul needs money coming from somebody else.

The rabbi got everybody on his side when he said that a three-year-old should not be on the streets alone. "There must be a parent who doesn't care about their child's well-being, or that hates Minyin and Gd."

Parents finally started taking their kids out of shul and yelling at them. The congregation stood up for Yankel who potched his kid. The whole place stood up and said “Amen.” It was like Kaddish.
Forcing new bottles of Coke on the kids and distending their stomachs did not bring out the truth about why they run around the shul. But it did bring out the truth about whose parents don't let their kids enjoy sweets. And those parents were kicked out of the shul for ruining Yiddishkeit.
The candy started pouring in the shul. Though, it was learned to only give it at the end of the Davening, or the kids will misbehave again. It’s like Pavlov’s dog. Once you don't need more candy, you can bother people in shul.

The Trumpelman's baby is ugly. Now everybody is asking questions about how Mrs. Trumpelman gave birth to the girl. Next time, during the Parsha about the Sota, the rabbi should keep out the Mazel Tovs. It begs too many questions. And in our community, that leads to iniquity.

A lot of discussion about heavy people cheating on their spouses arose, due to the overweight people's distended stomachs. In the Sotah committee meeting, it came out that heavy people generally are more trustworthy. Sotah accusations were dismissed, yet the reputation stood. People said they were still heavy.

We didn’t finish the story. We started it. We continued it. We’re still going. Maybe you want to catch up and read how I got stuck at the Kotel last week. Now, I'm still stuck. And this is all happening "during these times."
I finished Davening and I got pulled into the circle again. It was now 7am. Still there. I didn’t get sleep. You can't sleep when people are singing "Kol HaOlam Koolo," "All the whole world is a very narrow bridge..." You can't go home when people are singing "Kol HaOlam Koolo." It's rude. You leave and you're offending everybody. You're offending all the whole world.
 
Singing Continues After Your Pray 
I prayed. I was fulfilled. As I got back to the Kotel Plaza, I was drawn back into this Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle. I couldn't resist the ring of unity. Even more now. I couldn't move. Unity had made it impossible to move. 
They thought my walking backwards, away from The Wall, was a dance move. So, they pulled me into the circle again. I don't know where the traditional Jewish yank of the arm to express togetherness comes from. Nonetheless, it does cause injury, which unity can do. By this time, my arms were hurting. I was going to have to see a doctor to wedge my shoulders back in their proper sockets.
Due to the lateness, all had slowed down. We were back on the Narrow Bridge. You could feel the Ahava. The love. It might have been sweat left over from Tzachi's Hora dancing. It might have been people's inability to move due to the hour and tiredness. It might have been the heat. Whatever it was, you felt the love on your clothes.

Holding Hands In the Moment
When you're in love, you hold hands. And we were now one people, in Ahava. Holding hands with the whole of your people feels real good, unless if they just wiped off sweat from their forehead and grabbed you. We held hands and danced.
Again, The Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle had turned into a stand still. It was a very spiritual dance and I embraced the love. At this point, I had no choice. I had no idea where we were going. Are we going right or left. It was a forward and backward movement. So, I stayed in the same spot with my people.
The only thing that moves slower than a circle is a one step forward one step back movement. And we finished that song, "The main thing is to not fear. Not to fear at all." I was worried I would get fired. There was no way I was going to make it to work. But that song comforted me.
I closed my eyes. That's how I know I was connecting with H'. When I close my eyes, I'm connecting with Gd. Sometimes, I'm sleeping. Sometimes there's just a lot of sun. I think I was connecting with Gd. Connecting with Gd and my people. 

And Now "Acheinu"
All the sudden, we went into "Acheinu," "Our Brothers," and I started bawling on the narrow bridge. Tears started flowing. Who could ask for anything better. What's better than not moving back and forth with your eyes closed, and now tears?! Nothing. It's euphoric. Only thing that would've made it better is a good sneeze.
Something about that song about being brothers, while holding my brothers (could be narrow bridges- however you call your people), right after singing "Kol HaOlam Koolo" opens the heaven's floodgates of tears on my face. And it was during these times that all of this happened.
The whole Kotel, including the women's section. "Acheinu." Maybe they didn't understand the words. Maybe "brothers" also means sisters. Hebrew is confusing like that.
"Acheinu" had made its way into the circle lexicon, rivaling "Kol HaOlom Koolo." I didn't know this. I thought "Acheinu" only made it into the shuls. It moves slower than the "Jerusalem of Gold" Dance, yet it unifies us all the same in a circle enveloped by love and warmth and sweat.
I haven't felt this unified with my people since I Davened Shacharit against the request of the stewardess on an ELAL flight.

The Sun Is Rising
The sun is about to come up. I don't have my Tefillin and my phone battery ran out. If there is ever a time to lose faith in mankind, it's when your phone dies. And with the death of Samsung, I lost faith in my people. After love comes frustration.
It is during this time of unity and singing "Acheinu," "Our Brothers" with sisters, that you should try to not curse out your people. Lfum Tzara Agra. According to the pain is the reward. I was going to make it home. I made it to The Wall. I could make it home too. With the goal of celebrating Yom Yerushalayim during these times, I realized I was going to have to skip work. And so, I sang and I cried, and I got fired.

Final Conclusion
I embraced my people. Once I let everything go, I embraced "Acheinu," which went on for another couple hours. "Acheinu" lasts a long time when another inspired individual starts singing it again. You think the song is over when you say "on dry land," and then an inspired individual with eyes closed, goes into "Acheinu." Again. Song is not finished for him, and it is now not finished for the rest of us.

The meaning of the Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle. It's the dancing in the face of history. We are joyful. We have no fear. And one guy started singing "Not to fear, from flesh and blood." That said it all during these times. And then I heard, "Not to fear at all, from flesh and blood or college students."
And then, as "Acheinu" died down and all inspiration was lost, after ten hours of dancing, at 7am, the people started going crazy and doing this Israeli jump dance. Still in one spot.
And so I joined my people in jumping and I ended up disturbing other people who were trying to Daven. Maybe somebody they’ll understand that Davening is best done in Kol HaOlam circle form.

I saw that forward backward movement at a Tish, around the rebbe's table, the following Shabbat. It turns out they'd just made it back from the Kotel. The Chassidim got caught in the Yom Yerushalayim Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle and couldn’t break out of it either.

"Dance with your people." My rabbi was right, even if he's a heretic who celebrates Jerusalem Day.
I remember now. It was this same unity of the Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle that joined us together on Tisha BAv last year. Gishmak. I can't wait for Tisha BAv. Love that day. Such good times.

I stayed in Jerusalem for Shavuot. By the time I got home from Yom Yerushalayim, I didn’t have enough time to pack and head to my cousins for the Chag. Kol HaOlam Koolo Circles will change your plans.
And then I saw the picture of the soldiers looking up at the Kotel for the first time, ending The Six Day War. The blowing of the Shofar. I knew, this is what today is about. This is what Shavuot is about. This is what Hoshana Rabbah is about. This is what Tisha BAv is about. This is what our pilgrimage festivals, our Chagim, are about. It's about not getting any sleep. The soldiers definitely stayed up all night.

I can't go this Shavuot without helping you figure out more ways to stay up all night by not learning Torah.
We've discussed many ways to stay up over the years. Eating blintzes, a lot of blintzes to take up more time, drinking coffee, drinking coke, the talking to people method, meeting a potential spouse method of staying up Shavuot, even if it creeps out the ladies at the Shiur, extending dinner to stay away from the Tikun Leil Shavuot lectures. You also have the discussion technique of finding out about what people's college graduates are planning on doing after they've been crashing at their parent's home for the past three years- a great way to disturb somebody, helping them lose sleep. Last Shavuot I noticed more creative ways to stay up, and I shall share them with you, to help.
Definitely. Do not learn Torah. The idea is to remain awake for the receiving of the Torah without learning it.

The Snacks Method
"Snacks" is how secular Jews say Kiddish.
You had the meal. Meals stop. Snacks don't. The meal is over, what do you do? You can’t eat dessert all night. You snack.
The Snack Method consists of you eating more. You ate before you came back to shul to talk while others are learning. Now, you eat more. Good Jews eat more. If you don't know how to eat more, you're not a good Jew and you probably don't even keep the holiday of Shavuot. And you don't deserve to receive the Torah, which commands you to eat more than you can. You probably don't even know what “keep” means. Keep is how Frum Jews practice Mitzvot. They keep them. Religious Jews keep Mitzvot very close to themselves, which is why they hold by them.
While you are eating, you socialize. Don't stop eating. If you stop, somebody might suggest you go to another class. It's healthier to eat than to listen to a lecture at 2am.
The difference between the Snacks Method and the Gorging Method is that you can talk while eating snacks. When gorging, your mouth must be full at all times, thus not leaving space for correct pronunciation.
 
Sing a Niggun
Singing can take up a bunch of time. Nigguns can take up even more time. The Niggun has no words, nor does one know where the chorus and verses are. Hence, the Niggun only ends when it stops. And you do not stop, or the lecture will start. And lectures induce sleep.
The idea is an activity. A Shavuot dance party is a great way to spend the night. The Manhattan JCC has capitalized on Shavuot activities that have nothing to do with Torah, which is the perfect way to stay up throughout the night for the Torah. A dance party with a DJ and a decent action movie, maybe some Karaoke and a cash bar. Great ways to spend the Shavuot holiday, getting through the night, without having to think about Torah. You may even want to head to a bar or a casino and sing a Niggun there. Staying away from Jews and playing slot machines may help you stay up. I don't believe the Manhattan JCC has thought about Shavuot slot machines yet. Pictures of blintzes and cheesecake with Torahs would be perfect reels, along with Lucky Number 18. Again, we're just trying to help you stay awake. The idea is to stay up.

Politics
Get involved in a political debate with any member of my shul. That will last a good three hours, before you have a chance to share your opinion.

Play Boardgames
We've discussed Jewish boardgames. Yet, regular boardgames that don't have to do with Mitzvot may be an easier way to stay up. They're social, will helpfully disturb any lecture, and they are all Jewish. Boardgames is how you have fun when you have no access to the internet, making them Shabbisdik and Jewish.
Sit in a class and open up a Chess board. The sound of smacking down a Chess piece will definitely shift the focus of the Shiur. If you have Monopoly that is also fun. The dice make some good noise. Dice rolling, along with a loud "I will take Boardwalk - thank you," will help shift the rooms focus to the enjoyment of a game of Monopoly, which was given to the Jews at Sinai.
Games nights are a regular Friday night event in Jewish communities around the globe. Games nights used to be for fans of comics and Dungeons and Dragons, until they learned about technology and the joys of being able to play games without interacting with people. Now game nights are only for Frum people, who are not allowed to enjoy Shabbat without people.
You can play Monopoly. I don't suggest Settlers of Catan, known by many Jew haters as Occupiers of Catan.

Eating More
Remember to eat. And to not stop eating. Otherwise, you will have to learn.
The popping over to other people's homes method is a great way to lengthen eating duration and save money. You eat their food. Cheesecake can get kind of expensive.
Eating as many meals as possible also helps. This is why the first eat a dairy meal and then eat a meat meal tradition started. You finish the meat meal at 2am and you don't have to learn very much.

Do Not Learn
Anything you are doing that is not learning or listening to lectures will help.
You can also set an alarm and let it run. It's very hard to sleep with one of those things beeping all night. Let the alarm go off in the Beit Midrash. Bothering people who are trying to learn also a great way to stay up. Bothering people is a fun activity, and will help you stay awake, even if you forgot the alarm.
The exercise technique should not be overlooked. Bring a squat-rack into the Beit Midrash. Lifting weights in bro form, with other dudes cheering you on, will keep you awake and definitely bother the others who are trying to figure out why Rava is wrong again. This can also help others by keeping them in shape between Chavrusas. I am just trying to help here.
Don't forget the Niggun method. With the way people at my shul harmonize, nobody will be able to learn with that disturbance. Again, the idea is to disrupt people to help them stay up.
Even better. Get somebody from the Manhattan JCC to set up a DJ booth in the Beit Midrash.

Again. Do not learn.
If you do end up being forced to learn, ask questions. If you're learning the Gemara about the people fighting over a Tallis, ask questions about Tzitzis. You can get through a whole night asking, "Does people fighting over a Tallis apply to Tzitzis? Let's say they were each grabbing the Tzitzis? Would the Tzitzis not rip? Is it Rava or Rabba? That always confuses me, which one is which." You will be learning and bothering the person you're learning with at the same time. This all helps with staying awake. Once you move further into the Gemara and start learning Tosfot, you're spacing out and falling asleep.
Again. The eating method is the best way to stay up. Eat and drink coffee and put on a few pounds. Putting on weight, the Gorging Method, is the most accepted technique for not falling asleep. The Cheesecake Method is the most trusted of the Gorging Methods, as it offers you extra time in the bathroom. And one may not learn in the bathroom. Thus, nobody will bother you there.
And do not forget the Walking to the Kotel for Vatikin Davening Method. If you are living outside of Jerusalem that walk will definitely eat up some time. Just remember to set up the correct food parcels for the trip, thus helping you put on weight while walking to the Kotel. Therefore, practicing the Jewish holiday rituals of staying up all night and putting on weight.
Again. Do not learn.

Announcements
The board would like to apologize for not mentioning Memorial Day last week. To Quote: “We take the blame for you missing out on sales. We still thank those who sacrificed of themselves for us, even if we missed out on the deal at Marshalls.”
 
Yom Yerushalayim was this past week. We want to apologize for missing that too. Again. The shul decided, after a committee meeting, the office should have a Jewish calendar. Till now, the shul has been working off the Gregorian Calendar given out by Tony Patelo’s Bike Shop. It turns out Tony does not celebrate Yom Yerushalayim. We are going to make sure we get the Kevers R Us Funeral Home Calendar.

Shavuot is this Sunday evening. You may want to learn something.
 
The shul has all night learning. The rabbi won’t be there, so don’t worry about anybody answering your questions.
 
Contemporary Halacha Class: Appreciation For Those Who Gave Their Lives For America and Retail. How to Get Nobody to Show Up to A Holiday or Event By Not Letting Them Know About it Till Afterwards. How To Learn Torah - Something Our Congregants Don't Do.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bamidbar 3:5-9) H’ tells Moshe to bring the Levites “and stand the tribe before Aharon the Kohen and they shall serve him.” The Levites serve Aharon. There is blessing in serving. If the reason is for Gd, it's a blessing. Serving on the board and the renovation committee... Where in the Torah does it say "The Levites should do renovations in Topeka?"... It's not a trivia question, Bethany. There is no commandment. The point is serving this congregation is not likes serving the Kohens... The Kohens are serving Gd. The board is serving Bernie's needs for heat in June. The guy always feels a draft.
“...They are given to him from the children of Israel.” The Levis are in service of Aharon and the Kohens. It sounds so demeaning. And that is true, when the job is not done for Gd. Like the office who seems to think the Kohens worked according to the Gregorian Calendar... We are not Gregorian, Samantha. We are Jewish.
When it’s a commandment, when it’s a Mitzvah, it’s a Kavod. An honor... The way your hedges look, Nachum, it's not a Mitzvah. It's a sin. It’s demeaning to the trees. Do a decent job and don’t worship idols and it won’t be demeaning. You’re embarrassing the shrubs... Because you don’t take pride in your work, Nachum...
Serving this shul board is not a Mitzvah... Serving the congregation is questionable. There’s no commandment to show up to Sheindel’s daughter’s fourth birthday part... Great girl Sheindel. I just don’t know why you had to bring a rabbi. You could’ve hired a clown...
It’s an honor for the Levites to serve. To carry the Tabernacle. It's not an honor to join a four-year-old birthday party and to have to do renovations on a bookcase... Why you even call it renovations. It's sticking shelves on pegs. The IKEA catalogue shows you how to do it. I do not believe the IKEA instructions insist on a committee... Because it would never get built that way. And then IKEA would get more complaints about their poor directions.... You think the instructions on the Tabernacle were easy??? If you think IKEA is hard...

It’s an honor to serve. Appreciate Aharon. Don’t be a Korach. A bunch of Korachs here...
(Bamdibar 3:11) “I have taken the Levite from among the children of Israel, in place of every firstborn...” The firstborns that are Gds, don’t get the right to serve Aharon... You lose that honor when you worship golden calves. When you mess up all night learning, like the board. When you mess up a bookcase...
The board is a like a golden calf... Having meetings. And the head of the board is a Bachur. A firstborn. And you wonder why it’s messed up. Get a Levite to serve as the head of the board, and they’ll help out... Because Levites are helpers and firstborns are bullies...
Do your job and be happy you’re working for somebody. It’s an honor. When the job is well done, unlike the board and Nachum’s yard, you take pride in it. It’s Min HaShamayim. From Gd.
Appreciate the Levites. And Levites, appreciate the Kohens. And get rid of the board. And everybody appreciate Gd...

We must appreciate Gd. When doing Mitzvot for Gd, there is reward. Not destruction, like in the shul's office. If our secretary did his job right, it would be a Mitzvah. We would hear about the holidays on time... It's not our job to get a calendar. It's the office's job.
Everything late. You don’t serve on time. The Levites didn't erect the Mishkan, the Tabernacle, a day late, because they were using the Gregorian Calendar. 
Does our office even use a calendar?... Definitely not a calendar with Jewish holidays. It's like a golden calf calendar...
The only thing you don't forget is the sales. You could think about those who gave their lives for our country on Memorial Day. Those who served our country... Our country serves Gd. It's a "nation under Gd."

And we missed Yom Yerushalayim. We missed Yom Yerushalayim last week, because nobody takes pride in their job. The Levites took pride in their work.
This is why I am taking the 6th graders to serve this congregation instead of the board... The board is like a bunch of firstborns.
We still did Hallel... Because it’s a holiday. Even if it’s not in our shul announcements it’s a holiday...
The announcements left out the Morwitz wedding. They still got married... That was a different reason. If they had money, the calendar would’ve mentioned it... You’re not wealthy enough for the shul to mention your Simchas.
If Marshalls would’ve given a discount to Chani on shoes, she would’ve made sure to have it in the announcements...
Shavuot is this week. Is that in the announcements? Just remember. It's this Sunday night. Tomorrow night...
A calendar in the office would help with announcing stuff that is on the calendar!!!

We all have ways of serving. We may work for others in service of H'. One way to serve is to learn Torah.
Maybe learn a little Torah. Just an idea... It’s Shavuot.
You messed up Pesach. You didn't even know what Chametz you should burn. And then you end up burning your home... It looked like idol worship. It looked like a sacrifice... When you don't learn how to do stuff for H' it looks like a golden calf...
You messed up Sukkot. Most messed up Sukkah building. I have no idea whose cubit you were using. It must have been Yankel's cubit. Shortest cubit I have ever seen. Build with a Shlomo cubit next time... So, there's enough room to sit in the Sukkah and serve H'...
In the times of the holidays, we all serve. We all have to serve Gd. Even the members of this congregation... H' would rather Levites. But we have not found a way to replace the shul membership. The Baha'i community would have to convert to Judaism first.
We are just asking to serve H' right. With food... Then don’t mess up the blintzes this year...

You can show up to the all-night learning... Learn for part of it... Learn to be a good Jew. Just learn something.
There will be cheesecake at all night learning... They should’ve announced cheesecake. If they announced pastries, people would come and maybe learn by accident.
Announcing all night learning is a way of trying to get people not to come. I am announcing now that there will be cake and lasagna. Come to all night learning to eat... Better announcements is what this shul needs. A calendar. A Jewish calendar. More food on it. Maybe get the Hadassah Cookbook Calendar...
Maybe announce events on time...
I shall not be at learning. I will teach my class and leave... Why should I show up to learning? None of you come...

You’re like Bachurs. You expect to be Gd’s favorites because you do nothing... You actually are firstborns. Now I understand. You get the bigger Yerusha... That's why you put no work into it. You're getting the big inheritance.
If you can see what you do as a Mitzvah, it’s a Kavod to serve under somebody else. You want to do the work. It's not about money... As a rabbi, I deserve money. When you're as close to H' as I am, you get paid...
Your job can be a Mitzvah, if it’s not what Bracha Mindel does... Working for the Town Council and bringing up people’s home taxes is not a Mitzvah. Serve the congregation correctly, otherwise we’ll have to get the 6th graders or the Levites to serve on the Town Council...
You would never be a Levite. You have no idea how to wash hands right. I've seen you head out of the bathroom... It's not the soap. It's that you don't get the whole hand. You have to get the whole hand. Up to the wrist.

It all starts with a calendar. Action begins with a calendar. You wash hands at the right time... Tony Patelo’s Bike Shop does not provide the times that we need to get things done right as Jews... Including the renovation of a bookcase.

Do you appreciate your rabbi. The job. The job that he gives Kavod to. The job he is doing for H’. The job where he sits at home and learns... That’s why I am late to meetings. Exactly. I am learning Brian!!!

Rivka's Rundown
The Levite members didn’t want to serve the congregation. They said it’s hard enough having to wash the Kohens’ hands.
The rabbi is very adamant about how a Kohen's hands must be cleaned. You have to get it up to the wrist.
The rabbi suggested to the congregants that since he is serving H', he should be bathed. Once the president heard that was his job, he quit. The firstborns also passed. Even the Levites refused. After much Halachik discourse, the rabbi gave a Responsa (Tshuva) saying that he can bathe himself when circumstances do not allow for others to do so. And thus, he may come to shul clean. "Though, the shul should give him a raise for his service," to quote the end of the Responsa.

The rabbi does not have learning in his contract. He went off on this idea that he has a contract with H’. His job according to H’ is to pass over Torah and to learn it. The board said his job is to ensure that the awning in the back of the shul gets put up correctly.
That argument went on for a while. It turns out the rabbi is not a Levite. So, he does not feel he has to take care of the shul’s building.

The rabbi did also not enjoy the birthday party of Sheindel’s daughter. Nobody knows her name. They should’ve had a baby naming. The rabbi said he had more fun at the Bris the other day, due to the assortment of sesame bagels. To quote: “Get an ice cream cake next time. Carvel is right down the block. Apikorsim.” And I agree. Only a heretic would serve carrot cake at a four-year-old’s birthday party.

How they mess up every announcement. Dates are always missed. Always late.
Does the one making the shul’s calendar not have a calendar??? The rabbi answered that.
I love Tony Patelo’s Bike Shop. Great deals on bikes. Especially on Memorial Day. Yet, Tony's Easter Holiday Month Focus of April did not help our shul's holiday planning. Now, the shul is doing a fundraiser to raise money for a Jewish calendar. Free at the funeral home, the shul figures it can raise a good six-thousand-dollars off it. The idea is to put a name on the Kevers R Us Funeral Home Calendar Cover. The board discussed it and they said that for sake of good omen, it should be the name of a family member who passed.
Not many people showed up to the Morwitz wedding. It wasn't in the announcements. The shul did insist on donations from the Morwitz family. It was a controversial situation. It turns out they didn't give enough. They needed to add on fifty dollars to the two-thousand they had donated. After the whole ordeal, being that people donated money to the shul in honor of the wedding, the fifty-dollars was met. They made the announcement about the wedding three months after it happened.

For Simchas to be mentioned, you have to have money. The soldiers from Memorial Day did not sponsor a Kiddish, so they were forgotten. To give credit to the shul office, they would've been in the bulletin if they donated money.

The rabbi gave a beautiful class and commemoration for those who gave their lives for America and retail. The rabbi suggested we commemorate the Jews that sacrificed themselves for our country by shopping at the clearance rack. It was meant to give credit to those who sacrificed for our country so we wouldn't have to overpay, which the rabbi called "freedom." He served tea to bring home the point, saying, "Iced tea is what America is founded for."

The board thought more people would show up to all night learning if they heard the rabbi wouldn't be there. The congregants are sick of the rabbi using Halacha to answer their questions about being Jewish. They like the idea of a more holistic approach to Halacha, where you derive the laws from your feelings and Rakhi massage.

Last year, people heard there was going to be learning. Nobody showed. 
Worst idea for drawing people. Got to have a different draw. All night cheesecake All night talking and hanging out. No rabbi. That's what draws people to shul.
The people in our shul never learn anything. Shavuot has been an annual day of mourning. Having to learn Torah is so painful for them. Hence, being that there was a buffet at this year's all-night learning, people celebrated Shavuot, by coming together, eating, smiling and not learning.
I get the feeling that the people in our shul would've taken to the golden calf thing if a smorgasbord was part of it.

The rabbi is mad at Bracha Mindel. Even though she is a congregant, she didn’t give the rabbi off on grievance day. She was kicked out of the shul because she didn't lower the rabbi's home taxes. The rabbi claimed his home is only worth a hundred-fifty-thousand-dollars, though he paid six-hundred-thousand for it.
The rabbi ended up giving a class about the difference in value when it comes to taxes. He then explained that the home would be worth two-million if the shul was selling it, as that would include the donation.
The rabbi later tried selling his house to a congregant, and called it a fundraiser.