Culture is thine people. Since the Babylonians, the Greeks and thine Romans got involved we have been dispersed around the world. We have found ourselves in Israel, and in different countries, where our people have learned to make decent brisket. It is now that our people, oh the dispersed, have come home, and thus we speaketh of the immigrant. Oh. How thine people reimmigrantasize.

They speak Hebrew in the Holy Land. Need I say more? They also speak Russian, French, English, Yiddish, Mandarin. It really depends on where you’re from. They also speak Hebrew.
Oh. How I love thee and thine languages that are not Hebrew. Thy citizeneth who identify as Israelis who don't speak Hebrew.
Oh. Thine American who doesen'tith abandoneth their English. Keepeth strong in thine will notith speaking Hebrew.

There’s an Israeli law that every third song on the radio has to be Israeli, in order to interrupt the good songs with songs that speak to the Neshama. Thine soul.
Oh. Thine Israeli radio. Thy doesn'th have English songs playing all day, as thusith would maketh Israel feel too much like Russia.
Oh. How I love thine music that is not English. You giveth songs that toucheth the soul, that I don'teth understand.

Thanks to the strong religious influence, we have Chasidic songs on the radio. Each Chasidic song has the lyrics of “yay nay nay.” so that everybody can sing along.
Oh. Thine religious songs playeth during the week. How I misseth Shabbat on Tuesdays, until I hear thine radio with Shwekey topping thine charts.
Oh. How I love thee and thine religious songs and the chance thou allowest me to singeth along, in confidence I understand wateth happeneth. It is these words that I know, remindeth me I do understandeth Hebrew. Yay Nay Nay Nay.

We have Israeli food such as falafel, shwarma and pizza. Which Israel created.
Oh. How I love thee. Oh. Thine Borscht and thine Schav. Gold's, thine our a brand. A brand and a family. Oh. How thine kibe. Thine croussants thou takes credit for. Some pizza ist created in Italy, as we give our Italinia reimmigrantized credit for pizza too. Though, thou knowest pizza is Israeli. Oh. Chinese food. Thou hast notith moved to Israel, but ure people have brought thine foodeth from thine Diaspora. Chinese Foodeth that iseth Israeli.

Sports is everywhere. We even have athletes that came from America so we can compete in thine EuroLeague.
Oh. How I love thee. Oh. Thine Israeli athletes that did not make the NBA.

To Israeli immigrants everywhere. Thank you for opening up falafel shops.
Oh. Thine Diaspora, where thine Israelis who never cooked openeth restaurants of Israeli cuisine. Where a salad of cut vegetables is called Israeli.
Oh. How thy introduced the world to the untucked shirt.
Oh. Thine Diaspora. Where Israelis move to geteth away from Israelis, to liveth with Israelis.
Oh. Thine Diaspora. Where Israelis move to geteth away from immigrants.

***The adding of the "eth" to the end of the word makes it biblical. And thuseth more meaningfuleth. Poetic.

Announcements
The Finkelstein family will not be at shul this week. They are still in the middle of their Seder.
 
We take back our Mazel Tov to the Tzimkin family on their daughter’s wedding. They did not sponsor Kiddish.
 
We want to thank Golda for starting the Girl Scout chapter. The only Girl Scout chapter to sell Mehadrin cookies, with Leiber’s peanut butter.
Now we need a Boy Scout chapter to shut up the boys. It turns out kids in our shul do not behave unless if they get a badge for it.
 
We want to welcome everybody back from Pesach, who didn’t care if the shul had a Minyin.
 
Please let the rabbi know if anybody was able to find a whole piece of Shmurah Matzah. He is looking for something to give him hope. To quote: "There must be somebody who found a box with a not broken piece of Matzah."
 
Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Not Stop Talking- Seder with the Finkelstein’s or Sitting with Mark in Shul. Not Sponsoring Kiddish, Uncle Morty and Other Ways to Kill a Simcha for a Community. How to Ruin the Greatest Cookie with Lieber’s. What to Do When Your Shul's Minyin is In Orlando. How to Join Matzah You Purchased for Eighty-Five-Dollars to Get a Whole Piece You Can Use.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Vayikra 10:13) After the death of Nadav and Avihu, Moshe tells Aharon and his surviving sons, “And you must eat them in a holy place. For they are your portion and your sons’ portion from Gd’s fire offering. Because I have commanded this.” We might be a holy shul if we didn’t have a board... Fools. You still can't eat in shul. The fact that Norman has a bowl of choolent with him for Torah reading... Now he's eating Kichel in the middle of the sermon...
The word for portion is Chok. Chok is the same word used for decrees. Decrees we must do, even though we may not understand them. And I don't understand why I have to deal with Norman eating Kichel right now...

Rashi comments that this command is even though they are Onens, they still eat the sacrifices. Even though their relatives died today...
Rashi can comment. You commenting makes no sense. Nobody understands. It’s hard to jump into things when you lose a loved one... I am not suggesting you don’t show to the funeral. That was wrong. It was your parent’s funeral... We are focused here on the commandment. On a higher meaning that we may not know. Hence a Chok. Even if it's hard. It's their portion.

When it comes to service of H’ our feelings may be secondary... Why, Bernie? Because your feelings are not justifiable. You were hurt that you didn’t get the Kohen Aliyah... You’re not a Kohen, Bernie...
When it comes to holiness, as Aharon and his sons are. Not like this congregation who never goes to the Mikvah... There is no way you go to the Mikvah. That thing is too clean. You can see the pool tile, no residue, and it shines.
We may not fully grasp the spiritual command...

We don’t know the holiness of this world. With the Karbanot, the sacrifices, we bring the physical to a state of spiritual... You wouldn’t know, because animal sacrifice is illegal in America... I’m not suggesting to sacrifice animals. You can slaughter them and eat them... Well. I can’t explain everything. I truly do not know the difference between animal sacrifice and enjoying a decent steak at Le Marais. I do know that we see the physical...
Well. Aharon may not understand why he has to focus on his portion after his sons died! They're dead!!! Maybe he has feelings, Simcha?! Maybe he should be mourning them!!! Showing Kavod to their lives!!! They're dead!!!
And we don’t see the full plan of H’. The holiness. This is why H’ tells Aharon to not mourn. To eat of the Karabnot... Sacrifices. Karbanot are sacrifices. This is why you can’t do animal sacrifice. Bernie. You don’t understand Hebrew. This is why you’re not a Kohen... And this is why it has to be a Chok. Because we can’t understand the true spiritual correctness... It's their portion. But it's the same Chet and Koof. Maybe it doesn't mean decree. Even so...

And I don’t understand a thing you do in this shul.
How long does a Seder take? It says “The time for Kriyat SHema has come.” That means stop talking... In shul too. Stop talking. You wouldn't understand this in the back left. Yapping away. That's why it's a decree...
There are commandments. There is commentary. And then there's the Finkelstein kids reading their notes from school... If your kids had good reading skills your Seder would’ve been over by midnight...
You don’t even understand the Seder. You have no idea what you’re saying. A good Chok is for you to not talk...

I would understand if you sponsored Kiddish every once in a while. Maybe a Chok to give a little to the shul. With the amount of Kichel you eat. Maybe to give something to our congregation.
Your daughter gets married. Maybe that’s a time to sponsor a Kiddish... For you that's a Chok. For everybody else, who donates every once in a while, it makes sense...

Girl Scouts is amazing. The girls are great. Dressed Tzanuah. Like Beis Yaakov. It's amazing how you were able to throw a sash over the Beis Yaakov outfit and save on the Girl Scout uniform... Works with Bnei Akiva too. Exactly... They have on the uniform and they're well behaved.
We need a Boy Scout chapter to shut up the boys in shul. Maybe to teach some manners and safety... The boys in junior congregation wouldn’t even know how to do a sacrifice without burning themselves...

Welcome back everybody from Pesach. Leaving our shul for Pesach is not a Chok. It's just something I would have liked to do... To get away from you...

No. I don't understand how Shmurah Matzah is that expensive. And broken?!
I am still looking for a piece of Shmurah Matzah that came not broke... It was an eighty-five-dollar box.
We found the Afikomen. Could not find a nonbroken piece of Matzah.
Do they toss it before they send it out?!
I would understand if I paid eighty-five-dollars and got whole Matzahs... Even eighty-five-dollars does not make sense. And how did the super thin Matzah come with the exact number of pieces as the thick Matzah? Were they weighing the box... I do not understand. And it's not a Chok...
The life of Matzah. It comes. It goes. We don't fully understand it. But we do not mourn it... Gd commanded whole pieces of Matzah.

And the only one who gets it is Shloimi.
I personally want to thank Shloimi for the Chazaras Hashas head nod. Excellent timing. You have it down. The Chazin looks to you and knows when to go. We are looking to you to be our next Gabai. You have the "time for repetition" nod down.
There are Choks. You do Chazars HaShas as soon and as fast as possible. The cantor gets a head nod from Shloimi, you go... The rest of you are spaced out. Wondering why nobody has started yet. Wondering why you've been waiting ten minutes... When Shloimi is not in shul, you're lost. You once waited from Shacharit till Mincha for Chazaras HaShas, because Shloimi wasn't there...

I can't explain why they didn't mourn. Cursing your dad at his funeral was probably not right. There is no Chok to wish the worst for the dead and get mad that you didn't go to Disney Land as a child. Point is you should mourn. That was their portion...
Samantha. Spiritual correctness is more important than political correctness... That’s the Chok we must live by...

Rivka's Rundown
What beautiful words about Aharon and his sons. Now. To connect better spiritually, people stopped mourning, and they started cursing their family members with death.

"We see the physical." That teaching truly spoke to me. That was my takeaway. That and the spiritual is not always seen. I am now left with a lot of questions about the spiritual. But at least I am one with the physical.

Samantha was stuck on spiritual correctness. She was trying to figure out what spiritual correctness had to do with not using the term mentally disabled. She then said handicapable is spiritual.
I told her that handicapable is spiritually offensive, as it sounds like you're mocking disabled people.
She also said that spiritual correctness meant minorities should get a better education and people should be called by how they identify.

Since the sermon, Shloimi has stopped head nodding. He doesn't want to be Gabai. He claimed it is too violent, as the last Gabai got beat up for calling up the wrong person to the Torah, when Zack wanted the Aliyah. Zack met the Gabai outside of shul and threatened the Gabai with not giving a donation.

Pesach is over, the Seder is over, and congregants are still sharing thoughts. Is there any day on our calendar where people don’t share thoughts? Tisha BAv in a community where people do a Taanit Dibur, a fast of speech. Even there, they're sharing thoughts with their looks.

The Tizimkins will never sponsor anything. They didn’t even sponsor their oldest when she was selling World’s Finest Chocolate. They refused to let their kids join Girl Scouts because of the cookies. They were worried they would have to buy some, when Pepperidge Farm had a deal on peanut butter filled chocolate cookies.

Girl Scouts in our shul. It’s one of the few Frum Girl Scout chapters. They do what they can to keep it religious. We don't call the second and third graders Brownies. They are known as Babkas. And the Babkas are doing great.
We give them pins and badges. They get badges for showing up to shul. For helping setup for Kiddish. For babysitting. The goal is to get the girls to do stuff without having to pay them. One girl received five badges for telling a woman to stop talking in the women’s section.

The rabbi is happy to see the members right when they get back from being away for two weeks. He has a short-term memory when it comes to members. After a couple of days he remembers they’re congregants. He also remembers that some of them are on the board.

How they ship the Shmurah Matzah and still sell it for eighty-five-dollars a box. They should have a truck with shocks on it if they’re shipping Matzah. I even think the delivery guy threw the box. A Frum delivery guy. Didn't get out of the truck. Just threw the boxes like he was delivering newspapers.
Next year I heard they’re selling Matzah that comes in whole pieces for three-hundred-dollars.

Yesterday we discussed the full array of anti-Semites. There are more. There are more anti-Semites than all of the anti-Semites.
I always knew people hated us. I didn't know they hate us this much. Over the past year and a half I've taken notice of how so many people hate Jews.
The thing is not all anti-Semites are the same. There are many different kinds of anti-Semites. I've analyzed their hatred. They all hate Jews. But they hate us in different ways. Each anti-Semite is unique, and that should be celebrated.
They all hate us. And that means Jews never lived in Israel. And Jews have always owned everything. Everything, except Israel. And Jews run the newspapers that say Jews never lived in Israel.
Today, let's focus on some of the Israel hating anti-Semites.

Anti-Israel Anti-Semites
These Jew haters are mad Israel has Jews. These anti-Semites especially hate the Israeli Druze. To quote my coworker, "Druze, Jews. What's the difference." That guy also blamed us for the iceberg that destroyed the Titanic.
There is truth to every joke.

We Support You Anti-Semites
These anti-Semites love Jews, they just want all the ones they don't know to die.
These anti-Semites say they love Israel. They just don't want Jews living there, and they want them to be thrown into the sea. Hence, they are proJews.
Until all this hatred of my people, I always thought getting thrown into water is a bunch of fun. That's how camp will mess you up. For the sake of our future, our children, and all the antisemitic Jewish summer camp counselors, I propose counselors stop throwing Frum campers into the water. It looks wrong.

The Jews Run the World Anti-Semites
They claim we run everything, including the airlines that won't fly to Israel.
We've shut these anti-Semites up with arguments like, "If you hate the Jews and Israel, don't use your computer. Jews created all that stuff. We put together the computer chips. Don't read the newspaper. We run those. And don't travel. We own the airlines too. And don't even think about using your bank... Exactly. Jews!!! And we also created SodaStream. And we own technology." So, we've dealt with that argument.
 
Terrorists
These ones are actually trying to kill us. Actively. Every day.
I don't want to definitively call the terrorists anti-Semites. They may like us. They're just trying to kill us because they need to support their families somehow.

Mad Jews Won't Die Jew Haters
These ones are real angry Jews are defending themselves. Hence, the human rights violation of Jews living.
October 7th truly got these anti-Semites going, bothered that Jews are still around. These anti-Semites are rightfully fighting for the right to rape Jewish women.
The Mad Jews Won't Die Jew Haters do not have it easy, with Jews living in this world. My liberal Jewish friend shared that we should be considerate of their feelings too.

Jews Didn't Create Falafel Anti-Semites
They only say this because they hate us.
Some even have the Chutzpah to say they don't like Marzipan rugulach. Who would say that, but an anti-Semite. A Jew hater.

The We Want to Kill You Anti-Semite
I would try to avoid these ones. They want to kill you.
These Jew haters will look at you. They may even curse you. As soon as they say they want to kill you, maybe start walking the other way. Check the pockets. Make it look like you forgot something. That’s just a suggestion. Maybe you can power walk to the other grocery store.
There are also the nonviolent anti-Semites who attack Jews. Be careful out on the streets. The nonviolent ones are the most dangerous.

There are so many more anti-Semites out there. For instance, the guy at Wender's Hardware, down the block, was charging $45 for an adapter. With prices like that, and no sale, definitely anti-Semites. And why so mach for the adapter? Mr. Wender hates Israel. I know it.
And then there is the anti-Semite actor who hates Jews because they are an actor, and that means they have to hate Israel. And then there is the Israeli in Hollywood who finally decided that they don't want to act anymore, saying they support their family. And then there is the Israeli's family that is mad at their idiot child who is not making as much money anymore.

​I want to thank all of our anti-Semites. They do the best job of getting Jews to move to Israel.

There are six types of anti-Semites. I know this, due to much experiential research. There is the general anti-Semite that is mad Jews work for a living. The anti-Semites who only hate Jews because they know Jews. The anti-Semite who has met a Jew or hasn’t met a Jew. Either way, they hate Jews. Jews who are Jewish and know Jews. The college student. And the anti-Semite who hates Israel, because there are Jews.
For today, let us focus on the general anti-Semite, the ones who work with and may or may not know Jews, the ones who get mad at Jews for shopping, and Jews who know Jews.

The Jew Has Money Anti-Semite
They don't like wealthy people. Therefore all Jews are wealthy. And wealthy people should be hated.
I think that makes sense.

The Jews Achieve Anti-Semite
This kills it for everybody. You show up to work, and now you have to perform too. And then to top it all off, the hard work is rewarded.

Works With Jews Anti-Semite
Jews are everything that is wrong at work. Lunch bags, computers, coworkers that show up on time. Cubicles were created by Jews.
They hear a Jew has a holiday. Now they hate holidays too. The fact that Jews take off of work for a holiday is wrong. The only holidays Jews should have off are Christmas, New Years and Easter.
All antisemitism started because of the High Holidays. They have anti-Jew meetings to discuss the horrors brought into their lives by Yom Kippur. The day they're allowed to eat.

Harvey Weinstein is Jewish Anti-Semite
He's Jewish. He must be. He has a Jewish last name. Therefore all Jews are sex offenders.
Harvey has killed the reputation of fifteen million people.

Graffiti Artist Anti-Semite
They spray-paint “Jews” everywhere. Dane Cook speaks of them graffiting bathrooms with the word "Jews." Something about the word "Jews" that allows these anti-Semites to get out their anger.
This greatly offends Jews. Jews don't like being called Jews. A Jew is just not a nice thing to call a Jew. It hurts.
You might see this graffiti expression of antisemitism places where Jews go, such as shuls. This offends Jews even more. If there is one thing Jews don’t want to see at shul, it’s "Jews."

The Nick Cannon Says Jews Have Money Anti-Semite
This guy is getting his historical facts from Wildn'N Out.

The I Have a Jewish Friend
These people know Jews. Thus, they have the right to hate Jews. When you have a friend, you're allowed to talk about their people. To quote my neighbor, "I have no Baha'i friends. If I just had one Baha'i friend, I would be able to hate them too."
The problem here is they know Jews. And we all know, that leads to Jewish hatred. Chinese people are not anti-Semites because they don't know Jews. If they knew us, they would be anti-Semites. We're a very easy people to hate.
Chinese people in America don't know us as Jews. They know us as customers.

The I Have a Jewish Neighbor
That will do it. Especially when they don't cut their grass. Some Jews don't even trim the hedges.

Jews
Jews hate Jews. I can't stand the Gabai at my shul. I can't stand anybody at my shul.

Self-hating Jew Anti-Semite
That's pretty much every Jew. No good Jew likes themselves.

The "I Have a Jewish Boss" Jew Basher
They are mad that Jews are helping them make a living.
Lesson: Never hire anybody. Giving people a livelihood will only lead to hate. Nepotism is the proper way to run a business.

The Jewish Landlord
They are mad that Jews invest and give them a place to live.
Gratefulness can only properly be expressed through hatred of Jews.

Met a Jew Without Money Anti-Semite
That will get an anti-Semite steaming. Boiling. Simmering. Ready to cook a decent stew.
Only thing worse than a Jew with money is a Jew without money.
Also known as The Cheap Jew Anti-Semite, these anti-Semites call us cheap Jews and get mad at us for shopping at Marshalls. They don't like when Jews find deals. They see a Jew at the clearance rack and they want to shoot up the place. They see a Jew at Ollie's, it's over. They're outside protesting Ollie's Bargain Outlet, in tents they bought at Ollie's. They're now trying to take down Ollie himself, bringing Jews to his store with slogans like "good stuff cheap!"
The Cheap Jew Anti-Semite shops at Macy's and only shop preseason marked-up prices. Sticking to the suggested retail rack. Proclaiming, "I don't buy anything for a decent price. I'm not Jewish."

The Will Not Look Anti-Semite
They don't look at you. They pass you at work and don't say "hi." They express their hatred by ignoring you. This antisemitism is expressed with a head turn. Quite vicious. In their hatred, these anti-Semites may avert their gaze.
To note, many Jewish women are anti-Semites. Firsthand, I can tell you they're self-hating Jews. Or self-hating man Jews. Or just women who hate Jewish men. Whatever they are, they're anti-Semites.
No matter what, the next person The Will Not Look Anti-Semite sees gets a huge hello hug. "Thank Gd you're not Jewish. I love you." In the case of the Jewish woman, "Thank Gd you're not a Jewish man."

The Nazi Slogan Anti-Semite
These teenagers sit on the side of the road and yell nasty stuff when you're going to shul. Sometimes, they even beep at you. And that just hurts.

The I Live in America Anit-Semite
These anti-Semites live in America. And thus they are anti-Semites. That is their right as citizens.
Many Jews are mad that this right is not fully being supported anymore.

Had a Bad Day Anti-Semites
They blame Jews for everything. Anything that goes wrong. They stub a toe. "Jews!!! I can't stand them. Ouch!!! Jews!!! That hurts. Jews!!!"
Can't find the keys. "Jews!!! Who created keys?! Probably Jews. Jews!!! Those people run everything!!! Nick Cannon said they run everything."

The Never Met a Jew Anti-Semite
These guys have never met a Jew. Never been to Israel. Somehow, many of them think we have horns. Which would be cool. However, these people don't like horned individuals.
We usually tell these anti-Semites to meet Jews and visit Israel, which leads leads to them hating us more. Sometimes it gets worse and they end up working with us. And we know what seeing a Jew make money leads to.

The Whisper Past Anti-Semite
They pass you and then whisper something. I'm guessing they're whispering that there are Jews. Most of the time it's a curse. Much of the time it's "I can't believe kosher brisket costs that much." "Why do they like getting deals." Usually it's "Jews." You can get out so much anger with that word. People should stop cursing. The only four letter word they should be using is "Jews."
I used to think Americans have a projection issue. I thought nonJews mumbled a lot. Something to do with the public school education and poor enunciation. Maybe it was something about the people who shopped at Marshalls that didn't like getting deals.
This usually goes along with the Will Not Look Anti-Semite. They don't look and then they whisper something about the sales rack and you not wanting to get ripped off, as they pass you.

Other anti-Semites include: People who are mad about cost of Kosher. Mad at brisket inflation. They're just empathizing with our people. The people who eat mayonnaise. Those who hate agents. Totally understood. All Jews are agents. The anti-Semite who hates the word Jew. Hence, they say it a lot. There's the I married a Jew anti-Semite. I understand their hatred of our people. There's the nonviolent anti-Semite who only attacks Jews. There are Europeans.
Next time we will deal with the anti-Israel and the most violent anti-Semites, the college students studying for PhDs. In the meantime, if you get down and feel any frustration, just yell "Jews." The hatred will help today be a better day. Maybe yell "Baha'i." That can also get out some good anger.

Announcements
We ask that you don’t share your thoughts at your Seder. For the sake of communal enjoyment and us having a Minyin in the morning, get to the part of the Seder people like and eat.
Before sharing your philosophy on parenting, please make sure your kids are in junior congregation. Not running the halls. Yelling at your children is also a parenting method we at the shul appreciate.

We want to acknowledge all of those who stayed for Pesach and don’t have enough money to go to a hotel. We collected Kimcha DPischa (flour for Pesach for the pour people as you are not doing well at work) for you and your family to be able to afford a motel for Chol Hamoed. No Jew should have to spend Pesach at their house. To think of such Tzaris.
 
Shabbat morning, you must eat Chametz before the fourth hour of the day. It’s a Halachik hour, Sha'ah Zmanit, which means anywhere from five minutes to three and a half hours. For any questions, go to the rabbi.
 
Somebody else put out a Haggadah. There’s another one out there.
 
Contemorary Halacha Class: How to Ruin Your Seder By Sharing Your Thoughts. Shaot Zmanion And Other Things You Don't Show Up on Time For. How to Ruin the Rabbi’s Week by Telling Congregants to Ask Him Questions. How To Put Out Your Own Haggadah Because You Also Had a Thought.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
No. This is the Shabbat HaGadol Drasha. It’s on the Parsha... We’re doing it on the Parsha, because the Parsha is meaningful. Every time somebody expects me to go off on something that has nothing to do with Shabbis... The Torah's not a good enough source? You need numbers next to paragraphs?!... Here are sources. Now does that work?!

(Vayikra 7:15) The Todah, thanksgiving, peace offering “must be eaten on the day of its offering. He shall not let it sit until morning...” Because things spoil, Bernie. Have you ever had the sisterhood’s salad?... Who makes lettuce salad on Friday night for Saturday???!
Well let's talk about appreciation. And I would appreciate a decent salad. If you let coleslaw sit overnight, that would be appreciated...

Unlike a regular peace offering, which has a two-day window to eat them, the Karban Todah must be eaten that night. Why is this? The Imrei Emes teaches that it’s brought because somebody recognizes a miracle... A miracle would be if Bernie stopped talking during the Drashas... However, miracles are constantly happening to us. We are just not always aware. Thus, the Todah must be eaten for one day. Tomorrow there will be more miracles to thank H’ for... I don't know if there are any miracles to thank H' for in this shul. Other than most of the congregants not being here for Pesach. That's a miracle. Until the end of Pesach there are miracles. Until they come back...
It’s hard to see miracles when congregants are cleaning for Pesach and asking you questions about cleaning... I’m a rabbi. Susan. I'm not a cleaning service. The fact that you’re asking me which oven cleaner to use... It’s a miracle I kept this job. And I will not be offering thanks to the board... Have you ever seen a rabbi clean, Susan? Exactly.
People don’t bring more Todahs because they're cheap. When was the last time you gave a donation? You should be giving Todahs all day...

Yes. My source is Artscroll. That is the rabbinic source for the Imrei Emes... So, he was the fourth Ger Rebbe. Artscroll didn’t mention that. It’s his teaching. And I’m thankful for that.

Asides from messing up cooking, are you thankful for miracles?... The fact that I make it through shul with you is a miracle. I am appreciative...

Don’t share your thoughts on the four sons. This way people will be appreciative at the Seder...
Maybe raise your children right. How about raising your kids. Give that a little effort... Your pedagogy on how to not be at your child’s soccer game. Is that what your...
How about talking about the four parents in our community that don’t help with carpools... Well they're the ones sharing their thoughts on the four sons.
We need you at Minyin. Maybe talk less at the Seder and show up to Minyin. How about the four sons who came to Minyin?! For some reason that's not in the Haggadah... Because it doesn't happen, Shlomo.
You cannot say you are raising your kids... They are running in the hall right now.

You guys are like the unthankful son. The unappreciative son. Why that one isn’t mentioned. The congregant son...

Now it’s too late to clean. Pesach starts right after Shabbis. You have three minutes to eat Chametz...
Is everybody back.
Those who stay in their homes have to clean. Should’ve cleaned...
It's good to be speaking to the five of you that stayed. That couldn't afford the hotel. Be thankful we have shul for you. That’s a miracle. It’s a miracle that you guys are broke enough to not go to a hotel. Be thankful that you have never sponsored a Kiddish... Be thankful that we don't have Shmurah Matzah to sell to you... You wouldn't be able to afford it. If you can't afford a hotel, you can't afford Shmurah Matzah.

How about the son that doesn't clean?!... Pesach cleaning is not a reason for a divorce...

It’s a miracle that every rabbi can put out a Haggadah. And there are still new ones every year. A miracle... I am thankful that I have another Haggadah. This one had pictures too...
Please don’t put out a Haggadah... The rabbis that put out Haggadahs know Torah. You had a thought in the middle of the Seder when you read about the rabbis that went to Pardes for the first time...

If you eat the Karban after its intended day, it has to be burned. It’s Pigul. Rejected (Vayikra 7:18)... There are wrong times to eat. For Mark it’s when he’s around other people... You’re disgusting...
(Vayikra 7:19-21) There are others that can’t eat. If you’re Tamei... People in this shul should not eat holy stuff. You're all impure. Full of impurity of the mind. Just be thankful I let you come to shul. With all your sins, it's a miracle you don't combust when you walk into shul.
If we would've rejected some of the congregants from membership... Be thankful the shul didn’t reject your membership.

That’s a Shabbat HaGadol Drasha. Say "thank you" every once in a while. And don't wait three days to say it... Why is he eating right now? Mark! Mark!
It is hard for me to see Gd's hand right now. This job...
There wouldn't be Kiddish leftovers if the salad was decent, Susan.

Rivka's Rundown
Lettuce does go bad. If they made the salad with cabbage, it would last longer. Sometimes the rabbi does speak important truths that bring community together.

They wanted to fire the rabbi. The Gabai was mad, asking everybody, “That’s a Shabbat HaGadol Drasha?! Who gives a Drasha on a Parsha?”
After the argument about whether you can do a Shabbat HaGadol Drasha on the Parsha that is Shabbat HaGadol, the rabbi handed out a bunch of sources to make it an official Shabbat HaGadol Drasha. Nothing to do with the his sermon.

The rabbi called the congregants "they." "They" is always bad. Nobody likes "them."

I can't go to Seders in our community. Everybody thinks they have so much to share at the Seder. Always turn into a philosopher about why we left Mitzrayim. What it's about. I like to think that if they learned Shemot, they would not be adding much. Maybe they would look at Rashi and say, "Oh. That's what leaving was all about." Instead, I have to hear about the fifty sons which correspond to the fifty plagues at the sea, whatever thought hit Mark after he pregramed the Seder.
I like how the board and the rabbi told the parents they are bad parents. It's the first time I have seen full agreement. It would be nice if they ever helped with car pools. If it wasn’t for Maureen, their kids would be hitchhiking back from the JCC soccer camp.

Michael still has no idea what Pardes is. But it is not stopping him from putting out a Haggadah.

Big mistake telling everybody they have three minutes to eat CHametz. That's a good way to kill the flow of a sermon. They all ran.

The rabbi made it clear to the board, after they announced that people should go to the rabbi with questions last week, that he will go on strike and answer nothing.

The rabbi's sermon last week, where he said people have to clean, had the congregants in a frenzy. Most got scared and ran to hotels.
Some went to hotels with no Kosher for Pesach food. They said they'll be fine eating Matzah and Temp Tee if that means cleaning is not involved.

The fact the shul can reject membership is the dumbest thing. If somebody is paying dues, that’s what they want. They need money. Take money from anybody and hope they don't show up. That's what the board should want. That's what the rabbi wants. And if people do come to shul, let them in. Nobody is going to try to hurt Jews more than them having to listen to Yankel lead Shacharit. Nothing is more painful than hearing that guy. Why he had to lead?! I'm shocked members don't learn how to lead services just to get Yankel off the Bima.
They rejected Merv's son and daughter from membership. The board said it was because they haven't seen them in a while. Didn't even let them come in for the Shabbat HaGadol Drasha due to safety policies about only allowing members to the shul.
This whole new safety policy of not allowing people in bothered the Filberg family with their daughter's Bat Mitzavh last week, as her grandparents visiting from Florida weren't allowed into the shul. Her whole family was peeking through the window when she gave her Dvar Torah. Her cousin broke a window trying to hit her with candy. No warning. Just, "We don't allow Jews into our shul due to safety."

Now that you've cleaned the house and watched The Ten Commandments, and yelled at the kids for helping, it's time to set up for the Seder.
You haven’t slept for a month and thus it’s time to get excited to entertain everybody. So perk up and moisturize your hands for a couple hours. That might help get bring your hands back to normal. You may not be able to get rid of all the cracks the anti-bacterial left in your hand. Some cracks may go deeper than inch. You shouldn't have used the oven cleaner. That was on you.
So, we're ready to set the table for the Seder. Wait. Beforehand. You might still have stuff left in your house after cleaning. Throw it out. After cleaning for Pesach, there should be nothing in your house. Now you're ready.

The Seder Plate
Hopefully you didn't throw out the Seder plate when cleaning the house. Maybe you shouldn't have thrown out everything. I understand, you get involved in the process of throwing everything out. But you need the Seder plate for Pesach. You may not want to throw out your kid's glove with baseball season coming around either. And the fridge. You should've kept the fridge. You should've cleaned it and kept. it.
Make sure you have the Seder plate with the salt water, egg and bone that your mother forgot to take out of the oven. Which is now inedible. The Seder plate is a good place for it. The Seder plate should have inedible stuff on it, so you can ask why it’s burnt. The Seder is all about questions. And why stuff is burnt is a good question. The Seder is not about decent answers, so don't worry about those. Which is another question you should have at the Seder. "Why does nobody have decent answers?"

Matzah for the Seder Plate
Now find three non-broken pieces of Shmurah Matzah. Good luck.
You paid eighty-five dollars for this, and it came broke. Why they ship it is still something that baffles. A question that has never been answered at the Seder. Just a lot of anger. And you will probably break another few Matzahs trying to find a non-broken piece.
Finding not broken Matzah can take hours. It's an extremely hard task. Harder than finding the ten pieces of bread you laid out for Bdikat Chametz.

Put Out the Wine
Make sure you also purchase the cheapest wine you can find, so that your guests walk away from the Seder feeling not very good. Manischewitz and Kedem are perfect. Eliyahu the Prophet likes the Concord grape.
"Why on all other nights do we drink wine that does not make us puke, but on this night do we only drink wine that is hurting my head right now?" Another question that will probably not get answered.
 
Pull Out the Dishes
Make the table nice. It's Seder night. This should start with another fight about who's going to help put out the dishes. Family is involved.
Put out the fine china. It looks good. Pesach is the time you use it. Use it for eight days. The rest of the year, plastic. It's not Pesach.
First find the dishes. This consists of yelling at the kids more, as you forgot where you put them. This should also work as preparation for when you yell at the kids for not being able to figure out how to build the Sukkah, as you forgot to mark the planks again last year.
If you don't pull out the fine dishware, Pesach should be treated like every other holiday, with disposable plates and utensils. Remember, when you have a big family, your last concern is the environment. You're not a good religious Jew if by the end of Pesach the verge by the street is not fully covered by trash.

Make the Charoset
Now that you've finished everything and you're ready for Pesach, there is more.
We prepare the Charoset, to remind us how the Jews were slaves and had to build with applesauce. We do this by creating a mortar which is not sticky and tastes like an excellent thick applesauce nut pudding. How they built pyramids with applesauce is the greatest miracle known to man. And they still stand to this day.
I never felt bad eating Charoset. I never ate Charoset and thought how hard our ancestors had it when they were slaves. If I was able to eat the building material we were renovating my house with, I would be happy. I can't imagine they were complaining about Charoset.

Preparing the Ten Plagues
The plagues should come out at the Seder. Literally. You want to keep the kids entertained, and that means real life plagues, such as red food dye and plastic frogs.
Make sure you also prepare the fake hail for the excitement of the plagues portion of the meal, where you can explain how hail comes in the form of wiffle balls. You can also explain your newfound love for pickleball.
I'm beginning to think that the Seders I have been to have been shams. I'm supposed to feel like I am a slave being redeemed. Though my brother's in-laws do it, I can't imagine the Egyptians were whipping the Jews with scallions. 
I will say, last year's Seder was the most real Seder. My brother truly prepared and his son came to the Seder with lice.

Yell at the Kids More
Setting the table, the whole time you' should be yelling at the kids.

When the Seder comes, for the sake of the family, know where people are sitting. Don't sit the uncles next to each other. We don't need another fight this year.
And be sure to let everybody know that your Shmura Matzah is the best. Because it's thinner or thicker. Either way, yours is the best. Tradition.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about Jews dancing in love of Gd, Sefardim learning from the Ari Z"L, and cleaning the floor for Pesach with a feather, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for expressing his hardship with purchasing eggs, while destroying the egg carton.

Announcements
Mark has turned into a question asker. Now we have another congregant asking questions at every speech. It’s now taking an extra forty minutes to get out of shul. 
Members have complained about Mark asking questions, in speech form. A petition has been signed. Mark, the other members don't like you. Please stop asking questions.

Thank Gd Mr. Minkstein died. He should be Schepping Nachis up in Shamaim, knowing he raised a son who Davens fast. Leading prayers like an angel, very quickly. Thanks to Mr. Minkstein A”H’s son, we’re getting out of Davening ten minutes early.

The Felsenblooms are the only Frum family in the community. Hence, they have a lot of kids and a very big van. If anybody is willing to volunteer to help them clean out their van for Pesach, they appreciate that.

Matzah is now only eighty dollars a pound.

Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Ask a Question and To Get Other People to Hate You. How to Earn People’s Love By Davening Fast. Who to Ask to Not Get Help, with Our Members. The Mitzvah of Going Broke on Matzah.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Shemot 2:13) “...Every meal offering needs salt.” And now, the sisterhood has decided that it’s not good to put salt in the soup. They leave it on the side and let people do it themselves. "Distribute their own salt," they say. And we all know something is wrong... H’ insists on salt in His food for a reason... It’s bland Kathy. I don't care how much cumin you put in. It's bland. Gd did not command cumin...

(Chapter 3) In the Perek we speak of Peace offerings. A voluntary offering to show love of Gd. Appreciation of Gd’s goodness... I don’t know if peace offerings have salt. I know you clean them though. You take out the innards....
There are rules for the offerings. You clean them up. Then you put them on the altar... Nobody needs innards. Bernie. You’re the only one that eats innards. You were the only one that wanted more Meurav Yerushalmi on the shul trip... Meurav Yeshalmi has salt Kathy...

Why no birds for Karban Shelamims, peace offerings? Rashi quoting Sifra says that it is called a Shelamim, because it can bring peace to the world. It has to have a portion for the altar, for the Kohen and for the owner. It has to satisfy everybody.
The tiny unsalted birds you serve at Kiddish bring no peace. It actually has people fighting for food... Who serves Cornish hens? Unsalted Cornish hens.

You have to take everybody into account. When it comes to peace, when it comes to wholeness, Sheleymut, you take everybody into account. And that means you don't ask questions when the speech is over, Mark... People want to get out of shul. Getting out of shul and eating brisket brings peace to a community...

So, you are a question asker now... I saw you at the community Israel event last week. The speaker spoke, and then you decided you wanted them to speak longer... It was about Israel. We all knew that. The people that were there love Israel. They wanted to say they love Israel and leave... Nobody wanted to hear the speaker. And they didn't want to hear your question, Mark. They wanted to hear, "Israel is great. We love it. People hate us." That would've been the most beloved speech by the editor of the Jerusalem Post. People would've applauded. It would've been the best 20k the Federation has ever spent. It would've brought community together...
We have to stop question askers. It's painful... Nobody wants these guest speakers to last longer. It doesn’t bring peace when you ask questions. It brings antisemitism.
I like you Mark. The congregants don't... I like you more than Bernie.
I think it's just that you're new to asking questions. We can't have new people involved in keeping speeches longer... And they don't like your speeches. All questions at speeches are speeches. I have never heard a question mark at the end of any of our congregants' questions... Fran can ask her questions in speech form about how great her grandkids are. She's been doing it for years. It's tradition...

People go to Jewish events to get out. People come to shul to get out. People like a quick Davening... This isn't a concert. People want to be at concerts... Nobody wants to be at shul. It's tradition.
People can come back to weekday Davening. Mr. Minkstein raised great children who lead Davening real fast... All the other Apikorsim in our shul, your parents should live well past a hundred and twenty. Or at least till I get out of this place... We suffered for a good eleven months after Mrs. Feigelbloom passed away. Raising a son who focuses on each word for a good two minutes... Either that, or you don’t know how to read Hebrew Simone. Nobody else stutters and calls it Kavanah. Your mother dying was the saddest day in our community, Simone... Because you were leading Davening...

You see Mark. Everybody loves the Minksteins... Nobody wants you to lose your parents Mark. That's how much they don't like you. It would be good for nobody.
The Minksteins lead Davening like a beautiful Karban Shelamim, peace offering. Out of services in no time. Everybody's happy their father passed away, and there is no sisterhood messing up their breakfast...

Felsenbloom. You have a lot of kids. And we know kids don’t help. We see them at shul. We see how unhelpful kids are. Anybody who is willing to help the Felsenblooms clean for Pesach, it’s a Mitzvah. It's Chesed...
The Felsenblooms took into account everybody when they bought their car. They took into account their whole family. Shalem. The whole... They’re not attaching kids to the hood.

We ask for donations of peace to the shul. To help fix all the issues the sisterhood caused... The shul does not have money. We had to use it all on Matzah for the community Seder...
You can also donate to my Mishpuchi. We need donations for Matzah. We need whole Matzahs. Eighty dollars and the box came with Shevarim. Broken Matzah pieces. No peace....

We should have peace and thanks to H’. Not to the sisterhood.
You have to take everybody into account Kathy. And everybody likes salt... So, some people can’t eat it because of heart condition. But they like it...
This Pesach, take your guests into account, and move the Seder along. Nobody needs to hear your thoughts on the four sons... Now they're adding four daughters?!

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi asked for a donation to himself. It was a bold move. But with the cost of Matzah, he needed it.

The people in our shul have to do a better job on food. If they followed the Mishkan’s recipes, all would be good.
Sarah Rivkah put out a Mishkan Recipe book after the rabbi’s sermon. She called it The Cookbook of Tabernacles. In the introduction, it says that anybody who uses any of the recipes will be burned at the stake, or stoned. Knowing how much tastier the food in the Tabernacle was than the sisterhood Kiddishes, most of the congregants wrote in their books that they would rather be stoned.

The rabbi focused on asking questions to the guest speakers. Not his sermons. He gets questions all the time, but he knows he can't stop them. He's given up. His sermons go long, and there are a lot of questions, but he doesn't care if the congregants hate him.

Mark is now asking questions to the speakers. It's his newfound voice on behalf of the Jewish people, who are the ones at the speeches. He feels like he’s now an activist, asking speakers who agree with him, why they agree with him.
He lost all of his friends. People don't sit next to him, afraid that others will think they're encouraging him to lengthen speeches with questions that add nothing.

The rabbi is right. The community would be so happy if the speakers came in from Israel and said, "We love you. People hate us. Israel is great." That would be the greatest speech of all time. 

Everybody is so happy Mr. Minkstein died. I feel bad, but I am also happy. Loved the man, but his kids get us out of services real fast. The rabbi had mixed feelings, as Henry Minkstein is the only member the rabbi liked.
The rabbi telling the other congregants their parents should live was a putdown.

Feigelbloom and Felsenbloom. Very confusing. Everybody likes Felsenbloom. One time, Felsenbloom lost a contract for selling his heaters because they thought he said Feigelbloom, and leads Davening real slow.
I like the Felsenblooms family. I just don't know when Chesed, acts of kindness, turned into doing stuff for people who are too cheap to get a cleaning service or babysitter. My niece does Chesed in Israel. It's babysitting in a Chareidi neighborhood, where they don't pay her.
They do have a huge van. It's going to be hard to clean that thing. First time I saw the van, I thought it was a camp trip coming to our community. I saw all the kids getting out. I didn’t know if it was a family or a summer camp. Maybe a trip day to shul. To see how congregants can ruin a rabbi's life.

I can’t afford Matzah anymore either. I am going to focus on only eating brisket this Pesach. Hopefully that's a Mitzvah. The Matzah is too expensive.

The goal before Pesach is to get rid of all Chametz. There is a positive commandment to clear your house of Chametz and to worry about it for a good half a year.
Now that we’ve discussed shpritzes as we did last year, it's time to discuss other methods of cleaning and getting rid of Chametz before Pesach. You must shpritz everything. Nonetheless, there are other aspects of cleaning that might work for you. Here are some of them.

The Worry Technique
You should be worrying about cleaning. The is the first step in cleaning. Worry. This includes daily discussions with your spouse about what you're going to do. The focus should be on what has not been done. In conversation form it is, "What are we going to do?!!!!!"
The first thing you need is time. You need to spend at least three months cleaning for Pesach to do it correctly. And you need to worry. Any moment of non-movement should be of concern. You should've started worrying right after Sukkot. That should give you enough time to plan the vacuuming of the living room.
The Overworry Technique is used by many as a hint that you want to go to a hotel for Pesach and sell your home. Even if that means selling your home at pennies on the dollar, at fifteen dollars.

The Eating Technique
This method of cleaning is good for those who don't like throwing stuff out and don't care about weight. Those who understand that no matter how much they take off, Pesach will add forty pounds. And that's from one box of Matzah.
Eating whatever you can, also helps with ridding your home of past due date items. If you're willing to consume cake from 2019, then now is the time to finish off the Green's Babka. Still tastes amazing. The 2006 mandel bread might've come hard, which is confusing when it's still hard and stale twenty years later. No matter how hard it is, that doesn't make it is kosher for Pesach. Even if it has a Matzah-like texture.
This is also a good chance to find some use for the Mishloach Manot. The Purim gift baskets with lemon wafers and poppy seed Hamentashen that your friends baked by accident. Which somehow ended up by you.
We do suggest to not shpritz your pastries with the lemon shpritz, even if it looks tasty with that lemon on the bottle. We cannot vouch for the Kashrut of toxins.
 
The Children Technique
You had children for a reason. Use them. Use the children to mop the floor. This method of cleaning makes it a family experience, and helps save money. It also goes well with grounding due to Pesach preparation anger.
I'm not saying to flip over a child and scrub. Get them to mop the floor for you. This is a good chance to finally get your unhelpful children to clean. At Jewish schools, they will learn about the importance of getting rid of Chametz and feel a religious obligation. Take advantage of this by telling them stuff is Chametz. You can practice now: "The mantel is Chametz, Dust it." "The chair needs a shine, it is Chametz. Shpritz it for Pesach." "Your room is Chametz. Fold your pants and put them in the drawer. And shpritz them for crying out loud."
I grew up thinking that windows had to be cleaned because there might be Chametz on the glass. I never ate off a sliding glass door, but I felt like I was doing a positive commandment by using blue spray on them. I also mowed the lawn a few times, thinking "grass that is shorter is not considered Chametz." I cut the grass and then sprayed it down.
 
Throw Stuff Out Technique
This includes all the art your kids brought back from school this year. Just tell them it's Chametz. I'm trying to help. It will make you all feel better when you get rid of the paper mache. The drawing of the family is Chametz. The fact that your child views you as a stick is enough of a reason to put it in the Chametz pile.
And the macaroni necklace, disgustingly ugly. Business in these Jewish day schools is down when you have to start making fine jewelry out of pasta. If they made macaroon necklaces, that would be beautiful and Kosher for Pesach.
I used this technique right after I got Mishloach Manot from the Schwartzmans. I took the poppy seed Hamentash and threw it in the trash. Right in front of them. And I told them I also make mistakes.
Don't be afraid to throw stuff out. As a Jew, recycling is not your concern. Mitzvahs are your concern. And there is a Mitzvah to use disposable dishware. At least that's one of the Passover commandments.

Right now, the fact that you're reading this and not cleaning should have you worried. If you're not worrying, you're definitely doing something wrong. And that is, not worrying.
Next time we will discuss the final steps of cleaning, which are properly done with a feather. If you're finished cleaning, you should now be worried you didn't clean enough.

Dear Dave,
Come to think of it, I made a lot more mistakes. Last time, I told you about the girl I talked to for more than five minutes, ruining any chance I had with her, and the fact that I ate. Which was a total foolish thing to do. But I couldn't control myself around brisket.
I've been writing you a lot lately. But I need to get these thoughts off my chest and onto somebody else. Thank you for being that guy. I need to work through them somewhere. Need your feedback buddy. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong people at these singles Shabbatons.
 
Here's where the mistake started. I sat with guys. My biggest mistake of the weekend. Sitting with guys will bring you down. Kill your game. Once I sat at the guy table the good energy vibes was gone. It was guys I was sitting with. The weekend was downhill from there.
Nobody wants to be around guys. They are depressing. But after thirty-six hours at the Shabbaton, asking girls where they come from, guys were the only ones willing to talk to me. Maybe I have to come up with more questions, like "what are your hobbies." Girls like that.
It brought me down. Sitting with single guys will bring anybody down. Especially when it's the guys who gave up. I noticed guys coming over. It was a pattern. A guy sees a girl, walks over to her, other guy starts talking to her, he has nowhere to go, he sees the guy table, he comes to the guy table, tries to start a conversation, nobody responds, he takes a seat, understands the weekend didn't work out, looks around, notices food, gets more of it, comes back, stains his shirt, stays at guy table.

They were all trying to look cool. Sitting with a bunch of dudes who had been rejected, looking cool. It takes a lot of self-belief to pull that. Strategizing. Each one was trying to figure out how to make their way out of the guy table, trying to figure out how to make the move they forgot to make fifteen years ago.
It's a messed-up conversation where the word "so" pops up every half minute. You sit there with these guys scoping the room while licking the T-bone and your hands, saying "so" and looking cool by not talking to women. After a half hour of "so," I am walking around believing my future is relegated to these guys that haven't had a conversation since they saw Chana Leah across the room fifteen years ago.
The only positive here is that I've made some guy friends over the years of Shabbaton attendance. I see the same guys at each of the events. All now seventy years of age. At least the seventy-year-olds know how to enjoy their food.
I'm beginning to think these Shabbatons don't work for everybody.

Then I saw guys from camp. I have to stay away from these people. So many people I don't like. Why people become counselors when they can get a job mowing lawns for the summer still baffles me. Why do I need to see my past everywhere I go?
I don't need my past creeping up on me like that. I don't need memories of my underwear on a flagpole when I'm courting a woman. If I'm going to meet a woman, it needs to be information from within the past three months, that I've been working on myself.
Is the only way out to convert? Do I have to go to Muslim Mixers? If I converted, I might get stoned, but Jewish girls would like me. The problem is America. I see these people in America. I've got to run away from these camp people. It's Israel. I've got to get back to Israel to get away from Jews.

Then I went back to conversing with women. I shouldn't have done that. That's how you kill a singles weekend. I should never share my thoughts around the opposite sex. Not a good idea. My thoughts as a guy will kill any chance at relationship.
The guys at the table killed all my vibes. I started sharing my real thoughts. She doesn't need to know my thoughts on marriage and where to send the kids to school, until I meet her mother and her mother tells us what we're going to do. If we send the kids to Jewish day school, her parents will be paying. I shouldn't have mentioned that part either. But sitting with the guys messed me up.
They ask questions. That's a trick. They don't want answers. Though she asked about camp, the underwear on the flagpole story was not a good idea.
And then I said I thought she was cute. Stupid. Never tell a girl you're attracted to her. They want guys who are not into them.
A woman should not know I have thoughts until marriage. One day, when I come home, I'll let her know I want to hang out with guys. Get some smokehouse and look cool. But I won't tell her that till marriage. Otherwise, there is no chance we're getting married.
You're married Dave. Did you talk to your wife before you got married?

Next time I go to a social event, I'm staying away from people.
From now on, I'm only going to singles weekends where there are no girls I've dated. They know about me. And no modern orthodox Jews from New York. I don't need my past following me everywhere go. I'm also staying away from elementary school friends. I did some crazy stuff in second grade. I don't need a pencil up my nose keeping me from my Bashert again.
LSimchas,
David