Announcements
We apologize for the baseball outing. It was spring training and the board didn’t think the Florida trip was a problem. Next year, we’ll plan the shul baseball outing within 500 miles of your homes and during the baseball season.
 
The PTA isn’t part of the shul. We want to make it clear. Parents ruin the shul.
Everyone thinks they have something to say. Do not use your connection to the PTA to bother the rabbi. The shul doesn’t take responsibility for educating children. They will end up like Bernie.
 
We’ve had many complaints about the Sefardi Chazan. We ask Amisar to bring down the high-pitch a bit. We respect the beautiful tradition. Ashkenazim have sensitive ears.
We want to welcome Amisar’s family to the shul. We didn't notice you over Amisar's high-pitch.
 
Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Spend 2k to Sit in the Stands and Get a Tan at a Baseball Game. How to Ruin Your Child’s Education with Congregants. Sefardic Roots and The Ability to Sit in Shul and Enjoy It.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Shemot 39:33) “They brought the Mishkan to Moshe...” They didn’t make him walk out of his way, like when you need the rabbi to Kasher you home for Pesach... You bring the vessels to the shul. I don't run a ladle pickup service.
They came to Moshe. You bring stuff to your rabbi.
(Shemot 39:33-42) They brought him all the stuff they made. All the gold and copper vessels. The clothes for Aharon and his children to serve with. They didn't bring Moshe problems. They didn't bring Moshe a divorce... They didn't bring Moshe the vessels and a question about whether they can use them on Pesach... The ides is not to make your rabbi's job harder... The idea is also to not use stucco on the inside of a building. The worst idea. You use stucco on the outside. You worked and made the shul worse...
That is why I don't always encourage your projects. Because they are useless. If you brought copper to the shul, your rabbi would be happy with you...

(Shemot 39:43) “And Moshe saw all the work, and they did it as H’ commanded, that’s how they did it. And Moshe blessed them.” You’ve done no work. You have not helped at all... Max. You quit your job yesterday and told your boss he should go to... You cursed your boss, Max.
Do something... Divorce is not the focus of blessing... Even if you're working on it. We’re trying to get rid of members. We’re not trying to break up families at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah...

Well. Let's talk about work. Let's talk about what you should donate to the shul.
Did H’ command you to make a pottery ashtray? No. Therefor it doesn’t get a blessing. You get blessed when you do stuff H’ commanded you...

What have you done that is good?... H' did not command you to setup a baseball game trip to Florida. Especially when you could've donated that money to shul. I would have blessed you if you donated that money...
Why the baseball game? It’s March.

You schedule nothing right... It was spring training. That’s down in Florida. You even misscheduled Pesach... I saw the calendar. It’s two days off. You even made that wrong.
How do you misschedule Pesach? You don't donate money to any organization, and you don't get a calendar... You give money to organizations, you get a calendar before the year, and you get blessed with knowing when Jewish stuff takes place...

Betting on March Madness is not work... You brought me your betting brackets. I don't think Moshe would've blessed that.
I don't care about Danny Woolf... Wait. A Jew...
Did H’ command you to schedule a trip to Florida for a spring training baseball game? Hence. Not blessed. And I'm fine telling your children that your ideas are not blessed...

Why are your kids at the sermon. This isn’t a family friendly sermon. This is real stuff. This isn't matinee... This is not a matter for the PTA. The PTA breaks up families. Not a blessing.
You mess up enough at the school. Thanks to the PTA, children don't get soda anymore for lunch. And now kids don't even want to go to school... If the PTA focused on lice, we wouldn't have problems at Kiddish. The herring would be OK to eat. We would all be able to make Brachas...

What's a blessing?! Not the PTA. Because the PTA doesn't work. The PTA is a bunch of parents who are not at work... You can't meet at 2pm and call that work...
H’ didn’t command children to be in the sermon. If the PTA cared to raise kids as Gd commanded... If you taught the kids as Gd commanded, it would be a blessing. And they would have soda machines. Maybe even SodaStream. Support Israel a little blessing...
Did H' command you to fire the best teacher, because you have to do something as the PTA?
Hence. Not blessed...

I am sorry. I can’t hear you. My ears are still ringing from Shacharit. The high-pitch thing is not usually done in Ashkenazi shuls... H' did not command that high of a pitch when singing and leading...
No. I appreciate the Amens. I also appreciate the Davening. It just hurts my ears... I would've said Amen to your blessings if my ears weren't ringing...
Why didn’t you welcome Amisar’s family last week? Well. We want to welcome you and your family. Hopefully, you work. It would be nice to have a congregant that helps a bit...

Do what H’ commands and I can bless you. Kind of hard when you have congregants... I pray you will all do something good, like Amisar. I love the guy
Amisar says Amen. We are commanded to say Amen. Amisar is blessed.

Even if you are not helpful as a professional, and you are part of the PTA. H’ asks you to do Mitzvot. Do Mitzvot. Let Mitzvot be your work... You don’t have to be a craftsman to do Mitzvot. Ashkenazim can do Mitzvot. You don’t have to be a weaver to put on a Tallis. You don’t have to be a community organizer to show up to Minyin... Then why am I the only one?...
No blessings for you.

H' tells you to clean your home for Pesach. So please stop coming to me with questions. Clean... I understand that's work. Clean and you will be blessed.

Rashi teaches that Moshe blessed them, “May it be H’s will that the Shechina rest upon your handiwork... May the pleasantness of H’ our Gd be upon us and our handiwork may He establish. (Tehillim 90:17 which Mosher wrote)." There is nothing pleasant about spending 2k to fly down to Florida for spring training. Especially when the PTA is complaining about tuition. And shul doesn't even have tuition...
It’s hard to bless when there is no handiwork. No craftsmanship even in your house. Not one piece of crown molding…
There is no Shechina in the PTA. Hence, no Bracha... Amen. Exactly. Thank you Amisar...

Your handiwork is what brings upon blessing. But not when our congregants are doing the work. If Moshe had to go out of his way to see what you guys do for the shul, if he saw how Max just gave up in the middle of schnitzel, he wouldn’t have blessed you. He might have given up... One side breaded schnitzel... He would've seen no pleasantness. Probably wouldn't have hit a rock. Might have hit a congregant... Amen to Amisar. A congregant who came to Topeka to work. Somebody that understands that stucco belongs on the outside of a building...

I will see you all for Kashering of your vessels this week.

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi ended by not blessing the congregants. Unique in his approach. Love it.
I think the rabbi made his point very well. The congregants should work. But they should not expect blessing for their work, as it is useless.
Our congregation has messed up ideas of work. And then they have no idea what "donate" means. They think it's pasta before Pesach. You donate pasta boxes before Pesach. They think cleaning is donating pasta boxes.

We are truly not a handi-congregation. I don’t think the rabbi wants to see our handiwork. That would be a curse. It will come out worse than the stucco that fell. It wasn’t impasto at first. Then, Maxine thought it would be a good idea to do the whole shul like that. That was a mistake.
It’s good H’ didn’t ask us to decorate the Tabernacle in self-portraits of raised texturized paint.

Finally, somebody went off on the PTA. They fired Ms. Sandor. A great teacher, teaching home economics. The parents were mad that their kids were saying that they shouldn't waste money on trips to Florida. PTA got her fired.
The PTA has been showing up everywhere. They even complained that Marshall’s didn’t have a good enough holiday sale.

This is why we have an office secretary. To keep the board away from scheduling.

Now I know why they have to do the whole service out loud in Sefardi Minyins. With the high-pitch Chazin thing, you can’t concentrate. You have to let them do it for you.
People came to the class given by Amisar on how to enjoy shul. Not one Ashkenazi connected.

Amisar has a beautiful family. Great kids. They clean up after themselves. They are kind. They share. The PTA has already been complaining about this behavior to the Amisar and his wife.

A man should get married at 18, maybe 20. After 20 his bones swell up (Kiddushin 29b). You have no chance after you put on weight. Girls aren’t attracted to the big guy with a personality, walking around with swelled up bones… They used to call it “fat boned” two thousand years ago. That was before they learned about visceral fat. They would say, “Their bones got bigger.” It was a nice way of saying they’re over twenty years old.
 
To fulfill the Mitzvah of Mishloach Manot, one must give two food or drink items to one person, that you received from somebody else and don't want... or hundreds of Halloween leftovers and bottles of thimble sized Johnnie Walker. Or poppy seed Hamentashen, because they're disgusting and you also don't like them.
 
We learn in the Megillah that you must give Matanot LaEvyonim, gifts to poor people, on Purim. Tradition is to give this money through an organization, so the poor people don’t find out it was you. They find out it was you, they start asking you for stuff.
Let Od Yosef Chai deal with the poor people. Give your money to Od Yosef Chai. Never let poor people know you give charity. Always let them think you're stingy. Otherwise, you will make friends. And friends need money. Better idea. Give the money to Od Yosef Chai the organization through a friend. Organizations will find you before the poor people. And they have calendars. Just trying to help. The point is to never let anybody know you have money.]

One shouldn’t just mumble words without thought or meaning behind them. Makes no sense. What is one to do for Tefillah?! And yet, we’re required to pray every day.
Confusing… I can tell you that I pray three times a day and I space out every time, like a good Jew. But I say the words correctly. Fast, indistinctly and real quiet.

Note from editor: Rabbi David felt it was important to stay away from sources this month. When asked what his sources were, he said "Chazal." Which means he has no idea.

Dear Dave,
I did good at the singles weekend. I met some women, got phone numbers, and they rejected me by phone. But I made some mistakes on the weekend. And naturally, some of this stuff will hurt your game and bring you down.
I made rookie mistakes. When you've been single for as long as me, you should know how to work a Shabbaton. You should know how to strut your suit and Shabbis walking shoes.
This is what I did and why some stuff doesn't work out. If you have any advice, please let me know. It won't hurt more than the girl calling me a creep.
 
I Met Her Too Soon
I met a girl in the beginning of the weekend. At that point, I knew I had no chance. I only have fifteen minutes of game. There were two more days after that. That's forty-eight hours. I can't hold attraction for forty-eight hours. I had already run out of questions about where she grew up and what she does for a living. What do you do after that?
I turned into a stalker real fast. Real fast when they don't want to talk to you. The whole Shabbaton she's now asking, "Why is this guy still here. Why is this guy following me to all these programs."
By Saturday morning, after saying "shalom" for the eighth time, I was now creepy. Romantic turned creepy. By the time Sunday rolled around, she'd met a dozen girls I've dated, and they confirmed I was creepy.

Too Much Energy
I gave so much positive energy. Too much in the beginning.
Goes great for fifteen minutes and then she finds out I've run out of questions about where she's from. Twenty minutes later she hears I'm a rabbi who does comedy. Now, I have no chance. And my material on being single does not help the stalker cause. Especially the stuff about the date that went bad, when I started knocking on her door and her parents said they were going to call the police if I show anymore affection.
I should've left the Shabbaton right after we met. I should've kissed the three-hundred-fifty-dollars goodbye. I would've had a chance if she never saw me again.
I have to get good at not putting out any energy. Just got to sit there, not talk and look cool with my Yarmulke covering my bald head.

I Ate
I can't eat at these things. I'm disgusting. The amount I eat, that will turn off any girl. Guys are disgusted by me.
I focus on food. When I see food, I devour. It's a gorging process done with hands. And it was good food. Which meant I went up five times. The girls know I went up five times. They're counting. They're trying to figure out if there's a reason I'm not buttoning the double-breasted suit. Wearing a double-breasted suit and trying to date girls under sixty is another rookie mistake.
I get involved with food. I see it and I lose myself in it. If you looked up for a second, you would've noticed the look of the girl trying to figure out why this guy is eating steak with his hands licking his fingers at a single weekend.
I put on 20lbs by Saturday morning. Worst time to have a singles event. Food around and it's over for me. A woman should never know I eat. I should go on these things and starve. My two-hundred-thirty-pounds should be an anomaly. They should be asking how this guy got so heavy without eating. At least they wouldn't see me walking around with choolante grease on my shirt Saturday afternoon.

You end up hitting yourself for this stuff. Next time, I'm not making any moves till I'm out of there. I'm going to show up, not eat, not talk. I'm going to leave before any of the girls talk to me and I'm going to go hungry. That's my only chance of meeting a woman and making it happen. And I'm wearing a husky single-breasted suit. And I'm not going to tell the girls it's a husky suit. Girls are not attracted to husky.

If any girls do talk to me, I'm pulling out a timer. Fifteen minutes and I'm out. I see her at another event, there will be no hellos. Unless if I'm at the fourteen minute mark and I have another minute of game in me.
I think I'm ready to meet my Bashert now.
LSimchas,
David

Announcements
The board kept it a Tetzaveh Sermon of Rebuke last week, on Ki Tisa. But it made no difference, as nobody even knew we were in Shemot.

We are collecting chocolate bars and sugar candy for the poor. We figured that you might donate your leftover Mishloach Manot. Nobody’s donated useful stuff, like pasta.
Please don’t bring cooked pasta again. The cardboard donation box doesn’t have a fridge to keep the pasta good for the poor people. And the membership still refuses to have a soup kitchen, as they're trying to keep poor people out of the shul. To quote the rabbi: "Enough of our membership already doesn't pay dues."
 
We want to welcome our new Sefardic congregant, Amisar, to the congregation. Many have asked, as they’re worried about racism. Security knows he’s Jewish. They've been notified that he looks like he's from Israel.
Amisar wants everybody to know he appreciates rabbis. Please don’t judge him. His culture hasn’t taught him the proper etiquette of how to be a congregant.
 
Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Mess Up a Parsha Sheet with Our Board and Other People Who Know Nothing About Torah. How to Give a Donation That Doesn't Help Anybody. Honoring Your Rabbi and Other Unappreciated Concepts.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
It's Parshat Parah. About the red heifer... No. The red heifer is not a redheaded woman. That’s offensive and disgusting... Almost as offensive as telling a security guard we have Sefadi people in the shul.

(Shemot 36:6) “... a voice went out in the camp saying, ‘Man and woman shall do no more work of donations for the Temple.’ And they were prevented from bringing.” No voice went out in our shul telling people to stop with donations. People just haven’t paid their dues. Our congregants have made it a religious point to not help...
Yes. You do bring stuff. But that is not what we would call donations. When it's stuff the shul doesn't want, it's called congregants... You only gave the stuff Goodwill said no to... Nobody needs your paisley shorts, Bernie. Why would we hang paisley from the Aron...
We’re preventing you from bringing donations that you want to give... Because we don’t want it. We don’t need something that went out of style in 1924. We tried putting a security guard at the door. But you still bring stuff... The security guard is not to keep Sefardim out. There just haven't been any Sefardim in Topeka. They don't make those kind of mistakes...

Amen?! It wasn't a Bracha... Let us welcome our new Sefardi congregant. Bruchim HaBaim...

The Torah tells us what was needed. What to give. Worn out sandals, missing a sole, were not one of the things that the wise of heart brought to the Tabernacle... And your sandals also have no heart.

(Shemot 36:8-13) Each tapestry was 28 cubits... They had plans. They didn’t just put it together like this sanctuary... Our board didn’t decide on renovations in the Tabernacle. Otherwise, you would’ve had random sheets hanging in awkward places. Why is there a drape hanging in right in the middle hallway... I don't care if it looks nice. It just makes it impossible to walk through the place...
Of course they had 50 clasps. It didn’t fall, like the stucco on the inside of the shul... Who does stucco on the inside... Not Carole King...
Amen?! Did the Sefardi guy say Amen again?!...

The poor people drive is sad. What about a normal donation. Normal food. Like cans. We can only get you to bring your trash... Cleaning your home for Pesach does not constitute a donation... If Goodwill won’t take it, it’s not charity. Goodwill does not have a candy bar section...

What we do support is our new congregant. Amisar. We want new congregants. That would be a good donation. If somebody donated new congregants...
It's racist to think that Jews who look like they’re from the Middle East need to be checked by security... What does “looking like he's from Israel” mean?! He's darker. Exactly. If you guys would not be so pale...

Why all the Amens... We have a new Sefardi congregant. I get it. OK. Welcome. It’s great to have you. Ashkenazim don’t interrupt sermons, unless if they hate the rabbi and want to disagree... I am not used to the support. Please stop that. I am used to not liking my congregants...

Sefardi people didn't mess up this shul with donations of finger paintings that the Minkowitz family hung in the hallway. Amen... Yes. Amen.

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi was on with the puns. The Carole King Tapestry album reference, and no heart when talking about the sole. Brilliance. Kept everybody engaged, except for Fran who had no idea who Carole King was. Fran insisted that the rabbi only talk about Jewish girls.

Point of the sermon. Never let our membership get involved in helping the shul. And they won’t.
The donations are pathetic. It generally is trash. Literally, trash. Nobody has ever brought the shul a nice pair of gold earrings. Michal Negrin is the nicest stuff. It was the plastic jewelry.

The bad donations. This is why poor people get diabetes. Our membership. Nobody is donating red meat in a fridge.
By the way, cooked pasta is not a good donation because it will go bad. This is based on evidence from the donation box in the back of the shul that hasn't been brought to the Topeka food cupboard in over a month. 
How cans became the go to for poor people. They love cans. I think it was our congregants, getting rid of three-year-old tuna and hearts of palm that had two more months. If hearts of palm come in something that is not a can, please let me know. I've never seen it.

The new Sefardi guy doesn't speak Hebrew. The rabbi said the congregants just are a bunch of racists who assume all Sefardim speak Hebrew, because they have that strong accent.

The rabbi wasn’t happy with the Sefardic support. He didn’t know how to handle a congregant who supported and appreciates the rabbi.
The new Sefardi, Amisar, said Amen to everything in the rabbi’s sermon. It was agreement. With Bernie and all the congregants asking questions, arguing with the rabbi, and going off on how the rabbi doesn’t know Torah, mixed with the Sefardi guy that respects rabbis, the sermon ended up going for an hour and ten minutes.
His appreciating rabbis had everybody hating him. One congregant turned from questioning the rabbi to questioning the Sefardi guy with his support of the rabbi. Asking him why he would come to shul with that kind of support. To quote: “Never let that guy on the board. Sefardim on the board will kill the makeup of our congregation." To quote Fran's response: "We're about tradition. Only Jews that don’t like rabbis."

They were picking pumpkins, but ended up catching lagenaria. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Lagenaria is a gourd too, but it sounds like a disease. They caught it. The gourd must’ve fallen. Just threw you another pun there. You saw "caught"? Fallen, and caught a disease? Though, lagenaria is not a disease. Education of produce is also important to us here at The Kibbitzer.
 
If you forget Tu BShvat, there’s always Three BShvat. (Mordechai)
You get it? He misunderstood. Tu Bshvat is the 15th of Shevat, which is the New Year of the Trees. Not the 2nd. He thought it meant "two." So he said "Three BShvat." It should be Taz BShvat. Not “three.” "There is always Taz BShvat." That should be the pun.

They put out a movie about an ox that ran over a guy. It was a gory movie. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Oxen gore. Movies can be gore. The Parsha talks of an ox that gores. A horror film about a goring ox is our idea. A Halachikly sound horror film that educates.

In the desert, after they prayed, the Jews hung out at the Tavernacle. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? The Mishkan was the Tabernacle. We took out the “b” and put in a “v.” Tavern. That word is there, in "Tavernacle." Other people went to the MidBar. You get it? Midbar is desert in Hebrew. Bar. "Bar" is part of the word. (Mordechai said he goes to the MidBar- each pun artist drinks at their own place)
 
What’s a cat’s favorite holiday? Purr-im. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Cats purr. The beginning of Purim is “Pur.” We added an extra “r” to make the pun work. We don’t know what to do with the “im” part. But the pur is there. Puns are meant to be meaningful, even if you don't finish them.

What do you call Purim pastry somebody sat on? Hamentushin. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? It’s Hamentashin. But the guy sat on it, so it’s “tushin.” Tush jokes are great.
 
I want to open a petting zoo for miniature llamas. Lama Lo. (Mordechai)
You get it? Llamas. Lama means "why" in Hebrew. Lama Lo means "why not." Brilliance. And llamas are funny. They are truly funny. Why? I don't know. Llama? They just are. If you want to understand our puns, you should learn Hebrew. A little Musar for those of you who love puns.

Shalom Dave,
Singles weekends will bring you down. Especially Jewish ones. I just went on a Shabbaton. A Shabbaton is a weekend event over Shabbat where you know you will only meet people that like Shabbat, due to the lack of live music. You show up, meet people and eat. Shabbatons are singles events where singles are focused on food.
It was nice. I had a good time. I met some good women, got their numbers, got back home and got reject me by phone. But righat after the Shabbaton, I felt this great flood of depression running over me for the first time. One that said, "I'm still single. I had just been around so many Jewish singles, and I am still single." And I understood.
Let me be clear. I was down. I wasn't depressed. I don't want this letter being used as proof of a psychological disorder. That will not help the dating prospects any more than being a comedian.
This is what I think brought on the deluge of depression deluge. And I'm a guy. Please tell me if I'm off. I shall break it down. This is why single people walk away from these things depressed.

Two Thousand Singles
There were two thousand singles present over the course of the Shabbaton. With so many singles, I felt like I'd been rejected by the Jewish nation. At the end of the weekend, it hit me that the whole of my people had turned me down.
I met women, but it still made no difference. When there are over a thousand women that are not Matim, not fitting to be your Bashert, in one place, you get the full feeling that your people has rejected you.
When applying, I got rejected by less colleges. There's something to a dating application process.
Over two thousand and not one of them is your spouse. What do you do at that point? Do you move to Israel? Do you retire? Who do you talk to? Gd?

Single People Look Depressed
I kept up the positive energy, but it's tough around Jewish singles who only want to get married, and don't want to meet a guy.
Video adds twenty pounds. Seeing other singles adds twenty levels of depression, and twenty pounds. You see these other singles and you start to see how bad your life is, in front of you. And you start to see these older guys who got heavier. You see that single guy and you start thinking, "Am I like that? Am I over forty and single?!" Women are thinking, "Am I stuck with that guy? Has my life come to this?! Am I dating my dad?! Do all guys get fatter?!"

Didn't Find the Right One Again
That's a realization that hits me when I was driving home. That and dinner. After eating all that food at the Shabbaton, I'd realized I was hungry again.
I met some women. I'm a man, I've got moves like, "Where are you from?" That's my go to pickup line. They always have an answer to that. I don't like to take chances.
Some of my friends didn't meet anybody. Nobody for them to call, to get rejected by phone. And I feel bad for them. Nobody to DM on Instagram, who now sees your picture in the light, to reject you through text. It's a waste of time if you come away from a singles weekend without a woman telling you, "I have a friend that might be good for you."
How many more places do you have to look?! And this weekend was in Florida. Your future creeps up on you real fast down there. You see the ninety year old singles and that brings on a different level of depression. Another fifteen levels. You go on those Shabbatons and they don't even have Instagram messenger to reject you.

I'm Broke
Leaving the Shabbaton, I realized I'm out of money.
I don't know the connection between Shabbatons and inflation, but it's there. The economy has influenced our dating. Interest has affected singles event prices.
I can't afford these events anymore. But I have to go. Otherwise the women know I'm poor. If you can't afford the event, the women know you won't be able to afford Jewish day school.
They can cost up to three hundred fifty dollars. Then, there's the hotels, the flights, the car rental, the dinners. I'm out four thousand dollars. I met the girls, but I can't afford to take them out. I have to wait till May to pay off the debt.
There's got to be a charitable individual out there who doesn't care about poor people. They should be able to fund this. Free would be good. Single people would feel better if they met nobody for free.
But we got food. For three hundred fifty dollars, you want to eat as much as possible. That's why we focus on food.

Speeches
And this hit me at the end. They had speakers reminding us about the fact that we're single.
If you're not down enough. If you haven't lost enough money. If you haven't gone out of your way enough to let people know you're desperate. If you haven't been rejected by over a thousand singles yet. They give a speech about how you messed up.
To spiritually uplift you, they bring in the Kabbalah to let you know that you're single because Gd also doesn't love you astrologically. Your zodiac precludes you from love since the day you were born.
Each speech ends with a practical teaching that you have no hope and you have to go for somebody you don't find attractive. Married people are allowed to be attracted to their spouse, but you have to get married because you're a loser. That's in the Zohar somewhere.
Listening to the speeches, it didn't hit me at the time. Afterwards, I was thinking, "I really did mess up. I definitely went wrong somewhere if I have to listen to this."

People Are Looking
It's a heightened sense of awareness of your being alone at thirty five, forty five, fifty five, ninety five. Truth is, I have no idea what the age of some of those people at the Shabbaton is. When you leave the event and you're all alone again, and broke, the drawing board becomes smaller.
If people went to these events to just enjoy a four thousand dollar weekend, they would walk away happier. Maybe not. The four thousand dollars does hit you. After the weekend. After the high from the energy of the event is over, it hits you. You're broke and you're older.

Those are some of the reasons why people get down on themselves after these weekends. But there is no greater reason than spending all that money to get rejected by the nation. By all of your brethren. I showed up to shul the following Shabbat. I was shocked when they gave me an Aliyah to the Torah. I thought the people didn't want me.
With all that rejection and depression, I'm going to another singles event next weekend. I already paid three hundred fifty dollars to get rejected by another of our tribes that was not in Florida. Maybe they'll have a guest speaker to let us know why we were rejected by the Persian community as well.
At least I ate a lot. I walked away heavier. It might just be the extra pounds bringing me down.

I hope that explains why single people don't like going to singles weekends all the time. Dave. This is why single people like going to couples retreats.
LSimchas,
David

Announcements
The Mishloach Manot this year was pathetic. On behalf of the shul membership, we ask that nobody gives gift packages till next Purim. To quote Bernie, “I have enough junk left over from Halloween. I don’t need more bite size Snickers. I don’t take Snickers that have only one letter. I only take Snickers that has the full word on it.”
 
We ask that all Kaddish people go to the Bima to say Kaddish together, so that Simmy doesn’t mess it up for everybody again, saying it off beat and making the mourners mad.
We apologize to all the mourners on behalf of Simmy, for making your loss very not enjoyable.
 
Everybody should have enough food to eat at home after the shul’s Purim meal. As it is a community meal, there will not be enough...
People were asking if it was a holiday party. We did have a bouncy house. Hence, it was a holiday.
 
Contemporary Halacha Class: The Requirement of a Bouncy House at All Shul Events According to the Torah. How to Make Mourners Mad with Kaddish and Mishloach Manot. How to Ensure Nobody Gets a Full Serving at a Purim Party.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
It was after the Golden Calf. There was a plague and the Leviim killing people... The Leviim in our shul couldn’t kill a fly. The most they would do is wash a fly’s hands... Should we have destroyed the bouncy house? Probably. It’s what the children in our shul seem to pray to. The Levites should’ve taken a knife to it and deflated it. Hence, killing it...

(Shemot 33:13) Moshe pleads to know Gd’s ways. I just want to understand why the board makes such dumb decisions. Why a Purim party consists of no Hamentashen... It’s Purim. Why do we have Danish? What did the Danish do to our people that we should be eating their ears?!!!

(Shemot 33:15) Moshe says to H’, “If your presence doesn’t go (with us), do not bring us up from here.” And we have not seen Gd’s presence in Topeka. And thus, with this congregation, I am stuck not moving from Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... You wouldn't remember if you saw Gd's presence last night. You were drunk.

We need Gd’s presence to move ahead. To move out of Topeka. We don’t depend on a bouncy house when we don’t see Gd. Where is Gd's presence in Danish? And there are more questions about our board...

I heard kids complaining about their Halloween food... There shouldn't be Halloween food. It's a Jewish holiday. There should be Christmas food. Leftovers from Christmas is fine, as Jews buy that after Christmas, when it's on sale.
You don't have kids seeing Gd's presence when there is a ghost on their licorice. You don't end up knowing Gd's ways through a skeleton on your lawn... Even if it's made out of plastic.
It's about knowing Gd's ways. Moshe's plea is what we strive for, and why we follow laws. It's why I stay away from board meetings...

And then you put the disgusting leftover candy in the donation basket. Even the poor people didn’t like it... Nobody wanted leftover poppy seed... Even if it's in Hamentash form.
Your Mishloach Manot made people not want to be Jewish. And now we have to find a way to get rid of it before Pesach...

Simmy. Your Kaddish was off. You ruined everybody's mourning... Your father would’ve never wanted you to get every mourner in shul frustrated. H' wants happy mourners... It was two beats off. You don’t canon Kaddish.
I believe that Phil was more angry about this Kaddish than his wife passing away... And then the mourners are still getting over Shiva and how the community stopped bringing them food after they got up from Shiva.
Where is Gd’s Presence if there is no food...

Leftovers at a meal are necessary. Leftover Halloween candy that you can't even throw at a Bar Mitzvah kid is not wanted... You don't throw chocolate with bunny rabbits at a Bar Mitzvah either.
It's about cooking a lot. That is Gd's way when it comes to food. That is what makes a Jewish holiday...
You guys never cook enough. I always need to eat leftovers at home. That is not Gd's way. Gd likes brisket. A lot of it. Is there Gd's presence where there is no brisket?... This was not a Seudah. It was a Purim snack. If you call it a meal, make sure it’s a meal. If there aren’t leftovers, there wasn’t enough. And H's presence is not felt.

At least we have leftover Purim Danish... Because nobody ate it, Bernie. They didn't like it. It's not Hamentashen. It's Danishtashen. Because somehow the Danish wanted to hang Mordechai...

Rivka's Rundown
Yeah. Why do I pay for the shul meals when I have to cook a meal for the shul meal?!

The rabbi is so correct. Where there is no food, there is no Gd's presence. And then idol worship happens. It's because of poppy seed Hamentashen.
I got the worst packages. Halloween leftovers. It took me thirteen Mishloach Manot to finally realize people were giving me Snickers.
I don’t like the Hershkovitzs anymore. Chutzpah to give a Mishloach Manot in a grocery bag. That much junk! And then with a smilie face on it. Chutzpah. Like they're rubbing it in that their house is now clean. Next year, I'm dumping everything I don't want in their Mishloach Manot. If I have a tin that's questionable recycle, I'm putting it on them. Let them figure it out. They're also getting open bags of licorice. The stale ones.

Shul right after the Purim Seudah is not the greatest idea. It turns out they Daven slower when they're drunk. My husband didn't make it home till 11pm due to a very long LCha Dodi Nay Nay Nay extension.

The children's connection to shul and Gd is a bouncy house. That is their temple.
I was against the bouncy shul when the board proposed it. However, I do feel it would bring a lot more youth to our congregation.

It was Hamentashen. It’s just that the local bakery makes Hamentashen with their Danish recipe. Between us, it's a scam. You think you're getting Hamentashen, and then you're getting a triangle blueberry Danish. And that's supposed to be Jewish.

After the Hershkovitzs gave us that mound of trash, we were not happy. We took it out on the rest of the community. We made a Bar Mitzvah candy stoning pile and started throwing it at whoever showed up at our door and gave us Mishloach Manot.
Hopefully, next Purim we will have no friends. Who needs friends when you can't even tell if it's a Snickers bar. A whole grocery bag and we thought it was a Mars bar the whole time.

The Kaddish is truly off. I don’t even know when to say Amen. And then to see the angry looks. Phil even said, “My wife died for this?!”

It turns out that people sometimes do get mad when you make fun of them. Even when you make fun of them on Purim. Which makes the fun of making fun of them more fun. I thought that talking about the fact that the Pintzkowitz family didn't pay dues would get a big laugh. It got a big laugh and a very angry family, who didn't pay their dues.
My shul was successful at offending people this year. Brilliant Shpiel. Here are some of the Shpiels they did. Maybe you can adapt them to your congregation next year, and make some of your membership cry too.
 
Trying to Get the Minyin
The Shpiel started with going to different places to find people to join the Minyin. It was cute. They went to the JCC, the laundromat, the nursery school. At the nursery school, the kids say, "My dad doesn't go to Minyin." It was perfect. The honesty of the young ones calling their parents heretics was perfect.
Our members are everywhere except Minyin. At the JCC we see one of our members in the sauna, telling the Minyin gatherers that he's meditating in preparation for Minyin that already passed. Then they brought the Minyin to the golf course, where we see five of the members on the twelfth hole, talking about how they're working on themselves spiritually. They pray after each of them scores worse than a double bogey.
We see Shmuli saying that he can’t make it to Minyin because he has prior commitments. They show up to Shmuli’s home and pull him away from his TV. His prior commitment was HGTV's show about millionaires buying homes. This one worked great for our congregation, as Shmuli is very lazy.
They ended up pulling random people from the supermarket, asking if they’re Jewish, because "they will make better members than anybody in our shul."
Then the members of the shul started saying how lazy Shmuli is, and how we don’t get a Minyin because Shmuli is too busy spending time at the casino. And this Shpiel ended Shmuli’s marriage.
 
The Gabai
Not enough people poke fun at this man. It’s his job to organize the shul and make sure services run smoothly, as he also calls people to the Torah.
This was brilliant. His job is to call people to the Torah by name. He just forgets everybody’s name. The Shpiel guy berated the Gabai, “When you don’t know somebody’s father’s name, you call them the son of Avraham.” We then see the Gabai calling everybody to the Torah as the son of Avraham.
It turned out the Gabai was recently diagnosed with dementia. That was not a planned part of the Shpiel.
Lesson: Don’t make fun of somebody till you know their medical diagnosis.
 
Rabbi Shows to Shul Late
There are more ways to make fun of the rabbi that we didn't hit on last week. You never want to miss a chance to make the rabbi look bad. This is what makes Purim so enjoyable for everybody.
The rabbi comes every day, but he sometimes shows up a few minutes after Minyin started, due to Halachik questions about utensils and funerals. So they focused on that one day he wasn’t on time.
The rabbi, who is a kind and honest spiritual man comes to shul thinking he’s sharing with his congregation in praising Gd, after officiating a funeral. That’s not what they focused on. The Shpiel skipped the part of the eulogy at the funeral, which helped the family cope with their daughter's death. They just showed the rabbi coming late to Minyin and the congregants firing him. And as part of the Shpiel, to add life and spunk, they truly fired the rabbi.
Nobody was offended by this, because they were making fun of the rabbi.

The Bar Mitzvah Boy
Is there anything easier to make fun of than a thirteen year old messing up Torah reading? Voice cracking. Just get up there, read anything real bad, with a voice that sounds off.
They made Mendel Hershkovitz cry, mocking his crackling high pitch voice during his Aliyah to the Torah. Mendel started bawling, telling everybody he just went through puberty during his Haftorah. Priceless.
Lesson: Always make sure you know what people are going through before you throw them into the Shpiel. And it turns out, due to Mendel's messed up Torah reading, people took back their gifts.

The Grammen
When you make fun of people in song form, it rubs it in more. And that's what the artists did in our shul's Shpiel. They got everybody involved in the song. And then they made the people cry more, while stringing sentences together about how they are not beneficial to the shul in rhyming form.
The idea of the Grammen is to make fun of the membership, and then to do this “da da da da da da da da, da da da da da da da” that repeats, to give the people a little time to look at themselves and cry a bit more. Some say "na na na na..." as the Nas allow for more of a rubbing it in affect. They may not get the words about how the Bar Mitzvah boy has no friends right away. The "da da da" part of the Grammen allows you time to think of the rhyme and how Mendel lost all of his friends when puberty hit.

Some of the Grammen Rhymes That Hit
The Schwartzs show up late to shul. Dadadadadada. And their youngest son has no friends in school. Dadadadadada. This one worked out great. Though it had nothing to do with not getting a Minyin, because Brian Schwartz is only eight, Brian still cried.
The Gabai messes up everybody's name. Dadadadadada. Him and his wife are extremely lame. Dadadadadada. This one worked out great, as the Gabai's wife can't walk. Nobody did research into the Gabai's family's health history before the Shpiel.
The rabbi of our shul always shows up late. Dadadadadada. And Pinchas never gets a date. Dadadadadada. This was brilliant, as Pinchas is single and a loser.
The Bar Mitzvah boy sounds like a toad. Dadadadadada. His sister is a very wide load. Dadadadadada. This got a perfect response, as his sister started crying too. His sister put on eighty pounds last year.
 
Remember. If you made them cry, you know the jokes truly hit. If you lose the crowd, making fun of the rabbi brings them back on your side.

Laws 1-8: This is astronomy. So stop with the very educated mother serving nine pizza pies, and let's learn some Halacha.

Laws 1-3: Rambam talks about the stars and spheres and firmaments and other words that make less sense in English than Hebrew. But we translate it all. Why? You get more Schar, reward, when it's harder to learn. That is astrologically proven by those who are buckets and scales.
There are eight or nine planets. Nine spheres. Let's call it eight, because the ninth one is a sphere that goes around the earth every day. I thought that was a cold. There's always a cold going around.
Something goes around the earth every day, from east to west. It encompasses everything. I have no idea what that is.
The eight spheres with planets have other spheres in them. And that is astronomy. You now understand Gd and astronomy.
It seems like the Rambam would've also considered Pluto a dwarf planet. He just felt that was offensive, so he left it out. Either that, or the telescopes back then were not as good.

Law 4: The earth has one sphere that surrounds it and one which is fixed, that doesn't. The earth did not move back then. Things change. You have to accept that. The fact the Rambam knew that Pluto was a dwarf planet says enough about bigotry in America.

Law 5: This is the science of calculating the seasons and astronomy. And many books about them were written by the wise men of Greece. So, let's not blame the rabbis if any of this is wrong. It was the wise men of Greece. The wise men of Chelm also put out books about astronomy that didn't sell as well in the bookstores of Athens. To quote, "There are balls in the sky and a big round ball that burns you if you get a few kilometers closer to it." That was the extent of the studies put out by the wise men of Chelm.

Laws 6-7: The ninth sphere, whatever that is, has twelve parts, which make up what we know as Mazalot, signs, and discussions that have ruined every date I have ever been on.
The twelve are lamb, ox, twins, crab, lion, virgin, scales, scorpion, bow, goat, bucket, and fish. Now you can date Israeli girls.
We can't see the shapes now, because they've moved since the time of the deluge. That's all you need to know. The flood set in place this crab looking sign, which ruined any chance I have at ever marrying a Sefardi girl.

Law 8: The sun is around 170 times the size of the earth. The earth is bigger than some planets and smaller than others. Now you won't sound like an idiot. Astrologically, you have now reached your ascendant, as Merav expressed on that date in Modiin.

Lesson: And that is how they taught astronomy a thousand years ago. Now you know astrology. You don't have to read these huge textbooks put out by the Greeks nine-hundred years ago to go on a date with a Sefardi girl.
You just have to learn the Rambam. Maybe your educated mother didn't serve that much pizza.
I am happy I was able to educate you on the makeup of the firmament, if that's what it is.

Announcements
Our speaker this week will be giving a talk in support of Israel. There should be no talking during her presentation. It's not Davening.
We ask that people keep the talking down in shul. We understand that you will not hold back from conversation. We just ask you to keep at an inside voice. Yelling about your child’s little league baseball success during Musaf is not necessary.
 
You must be quiet for Parshat Zachor. It’s a commandment to hear it, so don’t talk. It’s not a Mitzvah to hear about Mini’s nieces.
We must erase the memory of Amalek. We are trying to forget the membership of the shul.
 
This Thursday night is Purim. We ask that Mike doesn’t dress up. His tight clothing scares the children.
 
Contemporary Halacha Class: Being Loud When You Hear Haman, Like Mini Talking in Shul. How The Congregants in Our Shul are a Type of Haman (this class will be given by congregants). Why Mike Lost Custody of His Children and How That Relates to Grownups in Costume.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
We would like to call up Dafney for Israel... I don’t know if Dafney is a Hebrew name. But she’s for Israel...
Thank you. Beautiful speech about how Israel accepts homosexuals... What Dafney was saying is that Israel is accepting. Like the Ephod and Choshen that had the names of all the tribes... Sadie. Good question. Homosexual is not a tribe... When we crossed the Jordan, they were not allotted the land of Tel Aviv... 

When we look to our Parsha, we see the importance of clothing. You make clothes correctly... Many homosexuals do dress well. That is true. At least they were suits that fit. Unlike the men sitting in the back left...
Clothes have meaning. You don’t just buy a suit from Kohl’s and call it a day. You get a tailor, so you don’t look like Bernie... You check for Shatnez and make sure it fits, Bernie. You’re swimming in the thing... Well. Husky is one size too many nowadays. You’re either in the mob, or you lost three hundred pounds, or your suit is from 1991.
(Shemot 28:31) The Kohen Gadol's robe and the Ephod were turquoise wool. Looked good. A nice color. Not puke brown...
(Shemot 28:33-35) The robe had to have pomegranates with gold bells all around. “...and he shall not die.” You have to make noise. You have to let H’ know you’re coming... Not like Reuven who has a conversation with Shloimi in the back of shul. Gd knows you’re talking... You're very loud when you talk.
You all have to stop sneaking up on me with messed up questions at Kiddish. Announce it.  Don’t announce it like Felvel’s suit... It’s too loud... Next time you come up to me and whisper a dumb question, I will attack you. You will die.
The point is you dress nicely, and you don't scare people. You don't popup in shul dressed like Mike...

Everybody loves greenish blue... Of course, not real pomegranates. That would stain the turquoise...
Even your costumes are not appropriate for shul... Well, you could've dressed like a Mensch. Why did none of our congregants dress like a Mensch for Purim???

Your Purim costumes are not right. If the Kohen Gadol wore those into the Kodesh Kadashim, he would die... This is where “I would not be caught dead in that shirt” comes from.
I hope we're not doing a costume parade this year. It's Asur. It's like Mardi Gras with a bunch of people who are not enjoying it... Jews don't smile when they dress in costumes if there is no alcohol involved...
Grownups in costumes, like a teapot is scary to children. Grownups in costumes are considered not right for neighborhoods or our shul, Mike. Tight teapots are forbidden... Well, Mike, it keeps families from coming to shul for the holidays...

Thank you for intertwining Purim and our shul, and how it would be a great Purim if our congregants were not in this shul anymore. Beautiful Dafney... I thought our members only talked when I’m talking. It turns out they talk whenever they have the chance to disrupt...
It’s not Davening. Do you always talk in shul?! Is it just a thing that you can’t help. You come to shul and you feel, “Now is the time to talk”?!...
Well Reuven. You're too loud... Then keep it down... You keep it down?! You shushed the Chazin. Told him he was ruining your conversation. "We are talking about my upcoming vacation to Panama.”
The Kohen Gadol didn’t walk around talking to people about where they’re vacationing for Pesach. That conversation was not part of the service when he was atoning for your sins...

We're about to read Parshat Zachor. Can you be quiet for that?! Just for that! I am not asking you to not talk for Dafney. You already talked during her speech...
You have to remember Amalek to wipe them out... I do not know if Bernie is part of Amalek.
We have to erase the memory of Amalek and the board. I am trying to erase the memory of the shul... And we remember. Just as Aharon wore the names of the tribes, we remember how disruptive our congregants are, and how not put together they look. And we must wipe out Amalek...

We are all part of this community. Likutei Sichot of the Chabad Rebbe (vol.21 p186-187) teaches that the pomegranates represented the seemingly empty Jews, that are filled with seeds. The Kohen Gadol had to represent them. Empty Jews, i.e. our congregants... And yes. We include the Jews of Tel Aviv. Shloimi... Why is Shloimi talking to me now?!
The Kohen Gadol didn’t wear the pomegranates and bells on his robe on Yom Kippur, because on that day we are all holy. Even the members of our shul that look like shlubs and talk all of Davening. And you don’t mess up your clothes as much, as your shoes can’t be leather... Pomegranates rub off the leather easier than Converse All Stars...

The Jews with empty questions. I will stab you. Come up to me, like a Mensch. Come to shul dressed like a Mensch. It's not Yom Kippur... This has nothing to do with the Purim and Yom Kippurim Drasha...

Rivka's Rundown
Based on what we learn from the Kohen Gadol, our rabbi suggested he would shoot the next person who asked him a question at Kiddish.
The rabbi threatened the congregation. After the rabbi let the membership know they will be stabbed if they come to him with a dumb question, nobody came to the rabbi for a couple of weeks. To quote our rabbi: "This has been the best two weeks of my tenure. I still had to see the congregants."
People ended up not giving any money for Matanot LaEvyonim, gifts for the poor on Purim, because the rabbi hadn't told them how much to give, and they were too afraid to ask.
The board didn't like the rabbi's threats, but they were too afraid to fire him. Which brought in a new era of the rabbi taking more vacation days without notice.

I agree with the rabbi. Our congregants are pomegranates. They stain things.

The rabbi gave the speech before reading Parshat Zachor today, because the message of people not talking was necessary to hear about killing Amalek, and how our congregants have annoying questions and don't dress like Menschin.
How the rabbi got the no talking from wearing nice clothes and staining nice clothes with pomegranates, that is the brilliance of our leader.

I agree with the rabbi. It would be nice if everybody wore turquoise. I would also like to not be surprise by our congregants coming over to me in Kiddish. I would like to see them from far away, so I could know if they were inching closer for conversation, so I could run. If they had on turquoise, I would be able to notice them better. Turquoise has that pop that I can catch with the corner of my eye, as Felvel is approaching the choolante.
The only meaning of the clothes I see in the men’s section is that our congregants don’t care how they look. The old suit styles are like a Purim costumes. It's like those clown pants that people start walking out of.

I will say that grownups in costume is wrong. You report that. You see a fifty year old in Barney walking down the street, that's a predator. You keep him away from the kids. Even if he's a hired entertainer. You keep kids away. Any grownup dressed as a teapot with tights, you report that.

A Mensch would be a good costume. I've never seen one of our members dressed like one of those.

The costume parade was messed up. It looked like a bunch of little kids not walking correctly. Orthotics. The amount of kids in our shul that need orthotics is messed up. Maybe it was the huge costumes that weighed them down in weird ways forcing them to wobble, maybe it was that they just had to go to the bathroom. I think it was orthotics.

The rabbi called Dafney off the Bima in two minutes. She went off on how Israel should be loved because of homosexuality. The rabbi was fine with that. He just didn't think that would speak to the Muslim population that supports Gaza in our shul.
Dafney only had a few people talking during her two-minute speech. After the rabbi told off the shul, and said shut up for Dafney, she got in a good paragraph of Israel advocacy. Then the rabbi threw her off the Bima. She was an excellent scholar-in-residence. Her speech costed the shul 3k.

They talk so much. I think they forget they're in shul. That is the men in the back left. They even shushed some of the children. In the middle of the Torah service I heard Shloimi say, "Dad is trying to talk."
I asked why he brought his kid to shul to shush him. He said shushing his kid is part of Chinuch, Jewish education.
The rabbi suggested the congregants never talk. To quote, "Our relationship with Gd would be better if He didn't hear you."
I don’t remember hearing Parshat Zachor. I only remember Shloimi screaming at his kid for talking when he was talking. Hearing Parshat Zachor is a commandment. So is honoring your parents.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about healthy food that he puts on weight from, because he eats way too much of it, and not arresting Chabad youth who feel it's important to pray, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for expressing his support of Israel through nail salons while stealing pens and expos.

For centuries, shuls have been trying to make their Purim Shpiels funny, to no avail. Performed at the Purim meal, best in live theater form, many may be inebriated, and yet to no avail. Throughout the ages there have been many failed shpiels. Especially the one back in Troyes, France in 1098, where they made fun of Rashi and how he comments on everything.
The issue has always been that they're not offensive enough.
I'm here to help you with some Shpiel ideas to tailor fit to your community. This is the one time of year to pull out your best Don Rickles and share some good laughs that will offend people. If you’re worried about Lashon hara, be general, everybody will still know who you’re talking about. The guy that takes all the meat from the choolante, the one who hocks up a cough at Musaf, the one who thinks they should be the one leading Davening. It's Pinny and Shmuel Baruch Felsenblum. We all know they should not be up there singing. When you do the sketch of the Jews who show up for Kiddish, showing them leaving home at 12pm for the 8:30am service, to be on time, they will know it’s the Kimplowitz family. Great scene, which should be in every Purim Shpiel.
Always start with something you know will work and draw the laughs, and that is making fun of the rabbi. Don't do the acting out of Megilat Esther. Nobody gets Achashveirosh's voice right. Never seen a convincing Xerxes.
Here are some ideas to help you get started on your shtick:

The Rabbi
Anything you do about the rabbi will get a huge laugh. Just pretend you’re giving a sermon in the rabbi's voice and everybody will love it. As you sermonize, use highfalutin English words like “firmament,” so that nobody understands. And then utter some nonsense and say "blah blah wha wha wha..." As long as your disdain for the rabbi is apparent, everybody will love it.
The rabbi has been there for every family event of yours, every lifecycle event. He’s laughed with you. He’s cried with you. He cares about you. Make fun of him.
 
The Baby Carriages
This year, the amount of baby carriages has surpassed the amount of people in the shul. How this has happened, I have no idea. It’s clear that people who have baby carriages think they can put them anywhere.
The Shpiel: Just have somebody trying to walk into the shul. They can’t. It’s impossible. The parents decided to leave the carriages at the entrance of the shul. No need to bring the props. They are in the shul already. Some of the people that came to the Purim Seudah meal still can’t get through the doors.
For this scene, bring everybody to the entrance of the shul and try to walk through the doors. No need for acting. Your frustration will naturally take over, as you trip, fall and throw baby carriages at the coatroom. Slapstick at its best is always performed angry.
 
Kids Running in The Hall
This is your chance to mock the new kind of parenting, where they let the kids raise themselves and interrupt the services. Dad claims, “It’s her decision. She’s already three.”
The Shpiel: In the middle of shul, the dad says to his child, “Are you sure you want to interrupt the services?” The child yells, “Yes.” And guess what, the services are interrupted. The dad insists there’s nothing he can do, as he gives the young one a lollipop and the right to make their own choices. And this is why she got Bat Mitzvahed at the age of four.
This leads to the Shpiel of the kids running shul. Take any scene from Lord of the Flies and add parents who do nothing, you have your Shpiel. Parents are stranded with the kids. The parents just sit there and let them kill each other. And you have your modern parents of your congregation.
 
The Yom Kippur Appeal
Everybody flipped the cards, but the shul did not see the money. How? Let's talk about all the people who haven’t paid their dues.
The Shpiel: We see everybody flipping the money on the cards, claiming they will donate that to the shul. Show the least wealthy people flipping over the $18,000 donation. We see their friend reminding them that they haven’t paid their dues yet. Time for the perfect Jewish joke: He responds, “So, nu? If I don’t give this donation, is it a bad ting?”
You then pull out the list of people who still haven’t paid their dues. This will get everybody moving. Comedy is always easiest when familiar; when people are able to say “that’s so true.” Everybody will be on the floor when they are able to say, “That's so true. The Yitzhakys and the Minkovitzs never pay their dues.”
 
The Kiddush Table
Fran is standing right in front of the choolante. She won’t move. Just show her standing there and other people trying to get through. Comedy gold. The more oblivious she is, the better the scene.
Remember, every scene should have frustrated people getting angry. Humor at its best.
A great addition to the scene is to have a huge guy come and throw Fran away from the table, knocking her down, and then piledriving her. Security should then come and join in the beating of Fran, who is eighty-five years old. At that point, he calmly goes for his choolante.
 
Impersonate Anybody
It will get a laugh.
The impersonation technique in shuls has always been best used when saying the name of the person. It’s hard to know that you’re impersonating Bernie from the third row, who sits next to Frank and Max. Everybody in Memphis has the same accent. Doing a Southern accent won’t help. Neither will doing a Yiddish accent. The Southern Yiddish accent is ubiquitous. Say, “I’m Bernie, Max,” and everybody will be on the floor. Once you say it’s Bernie, everybody will be able to respond, “Yeah. That’s Bernie. He sits next to Max. So true. That’s so Bernie. Saying his name while impersonating him truly hits the funny bone. Great parody.” Then you can get back to making fun of the rabbi who officiated Bernie’s wedding, while helping you and your spouse work through your divorce.
For a real crowd pleaser, remember to impersonate the rabbi. Remember, any time you make fun of the rabbi, it will get a laugh. Do the rabbi saying “Oy” and the crowd is back on your side. If people are personally offended, if you make fun of the rabbi, they will love you once again. Anything about the rabbi and anything involving a Yiddish style accent are Jewish community comedy gold. Truth is you could do a whole Shpiel raising your hands in Jewish Why form, saying “Oy,” and the audience will be on the floor.
 
Purim is a chance for you to get out your anger. The best way to express anger is to make fun of people. Otherwise, it’s straight-out offensive. Remember, if you run your Shpiel right, nobody will want to talk to you for a good couple months.
And never do song form Shpiel. As expressed in introduction, people in your shul do not know how to sing.  The Grammen NayNayNay part is spiritual, but it kills the laughs when Mrs. Simchovitz goes off on her harmony, or whatever other song she's singing the high part of.