Announcements
We ask the men stop following the Torah with their eyes when we're walking around with the Torah. It's wrong to use the Torah for ulterior motives, such as checking out women. And it’s creepy Pinny. We understand you’re single, but it’s creepy.
 
Song clappers are not better than anybody else. We ask that our members clap at a normal level of clap. We don’t need clapping showoffs in our shul. Clapping and jumping! We notice you. Baalei Gayva.
 
We’re taking sermon donations. This week’s sermon is sponsored in honor of Mrs. Finkelwitz’s 90th birthday. The family wants everybody to know she’s suffered through sermons for 90 years.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Check Out Women Properly, at Kiddish. How to Be Noticed at Shul by Starting a Dance. How to Take Donations for Everything with Our Shul Board.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Shemot 26:9) "Fold the sixth sheet over the front of the tent.” So that it looks good. The shul’s curtain hasn’t been cleaned in years... Steam it. At least get out the folds. It’s not a non-iron curtain. The ark is a crease-iron curtain... They didn’t have non-iron curtains in the Tabernacle. The Mishkan had quality curtains...

(Shemot 26:11) “...joining the tent together so that it becomes one.” Unlike our shul when it sings Adon Olam. It sounds like a hundred different songs, joining together into a hundred different unique songs of non-unison. Which sounds like people not singing along... I like the rhyming structure of the sermon as well, Sadie. Thank you.
The sheets... Curtains Bernie. Yes. They’re bigger than sheets. It wasn’t bedding. The curtains join and become one. That is how the building is made for service of Gd... It’s not made with community quilts.

You connect them right. You have the right holes and connections. You don’t have a board messing it up, with a president who has never hung anything in his life. You fold it nicely, unlike Pinny who’s never helped fold sheets in his house. He’s probably the reason for the messed up community quilt. All creased... And then, without the board, “It will be one"... The board would've ruined the Mishkan.

And there are other coverings to make it look nice. Point is that you make the House of Gd look nice... A better paint job than stucco.
We join as one, as the Mishkan, to make it beautiful...

Joining as one does not mean singing "Etz Chaim Hi" so you can check out the women... It’s a Torah. It should not be used to check out the ladies in the front row. They’re kissing the Torah. It doesn’t mean they’re going to kiss you... Shloimi, get your head out of the Chumash.

Becoming "one" means everybody together. It doesn't mean standing out with unified claps.
The clappers are Baalei Gayva. Showing off... And they do the clap with that jump dance... You're doing it to be noticed. Nobody claps and jumps with the airplane dance in the middle of the Torah service to be discreet. I want to see any of you do that to not be noticed...
Simcha is the only one who should be clapping. Simcha’s clap is inspired...

Mazel Tov Mrs. Finkelwitz. You bring community together, just like my Drashas. My sermons bring community together. Your donation for the sermon will be used to bring the community together with better congregants...

Rivka's Rundown
The main takeaway from the sermon is that our shul's board would've ruined the Mishkan. It’s good our congregants didn’t help make the Tabernacle. If it was anything like the BBQ last week, in the snow, which didn’t get started, nothing would’ve come together.
Pinny has definitely never folded anything in his life. If he had to iron anything, he would burn it.

I always wondered why the guys all stood up and looked at the Chazin carrying the Torah back to the ark. It’s because they were walking near the women’s section and the guys were checking us out for Shidduchim. Some of the disgusting guys were hoping for more divorces.
And they all sound inspired with Etz Chaim Hi. They’re just excited to think they might have a chance with Ruchel.

This is why Pinny always shows off. He thinks he has a chance with Ruchel, so he starts clapping. The clappers have a lot of gall, always looking around when they're clapping. And there isn’t even a Torah to pretend they're not checking out everybody. The Torah's put back, it's the Kedusha in Musaf and they're bouncing and clapping, checking to see if Ruchel notices the loudness of their clap.
I love how the clappers pretend like they're trying to be humble. And then they close their eyes. I've never seen somebody close their eyes so loudly.

The singing in our shul is truly not in unison. I don't think anybody could argue that, especially once Pinny started his clapping to an applause beat during "Adon Olam."

The shul is now taking sermon donations???!!! They take donations for Shalishudis, for Kiddish. No shame. Everything is a donation. The even auctioned off wings at the BBQ. I’m sure they’re going to start taking donations for Shacharit, sponsoring praying to Gd.
Upon seeing Pinny clapping, they started taking donations for following the Torah with your eyes. The shul board said it was for a good cause. The following week, no single women showed to shul.
The rabbi just said the donation for the sermon will be used to get better congregants. How? No idea. But the shul is making money off it. I think the rabbi truly wanted to say he doesn't like the membership. That was the message of the sermon.

Let's finish the "English Alephs."

As We All Know- a) Phrase used by rabbis to make you feel stupid. Sentence: "No. I do not know. I never learned the fiftieth chapter of the Laws of Penitence in the Rambam… I do not remember footnote nineteen." b) A phrase used by rabbis which has me questioning why they are still talking. Sentence: "If we already know, then why are you still commenting on Rashi’s commentary?"

Aseret Yimei Tshuva- The ten days of the year, ending with Yom Kippur, that we do whatever we can to make it seem like we feel bad for sinning. Known to English speakers as the Ten Days of Repentance, it makes it easier for us to get past them, knowing we can be ourselves again, afterwards. Sentence: "I had such a good time last year. I regret it. I will never do it again. That Avinu Malkeinu song really makes me feel penitent and bad about what I did." Sentence after Yom Kippur: "I hope H’ believed me. I really did think I wouldn’t binge drink again. I told myself there is no way I'm going to do stuff I like. But it happened. No idea how. Woops. Shame."

Ashkenazi/ah/ik (pl. Ashkenazim)- a) Somebody who does not eat legumes on Pesach. See Kitniyot for how Ashkenazim found a way to make it almost impossible to eat on Pesach. Hence making it harder to keep the Mitzvot. Hence making you a better Jew. b) A derogatory term in Israel, meaning somebody who is weak, with an accounting degree, who saves money. Sentence: "Don’t be an Ashkenazi like this." Alternative Sentence of Insult: "Look at her, holding down a job. What an Ashkenaziah." c) Of Ashkenazi people. Sentence: "The Kigel has no taste. There were no spices, and I didn’t hurt my mouth when I ate it. It must be Ashkenazik." d) A people Sefardim say can't cook. Sentence: "This food is disgusting." Ashkenazi Response: "It's a pleasure to have you as our guest." See Sefardim for people who do not stop going off on how their food is better.

Asur- Anything enjoyable. Hence, it is forbidden.

Atheist- a) All Jewish hipsters. Sentence: "I know nothing about science. I didn’t get a doctorate. But I do have a corduroy jacket with a patch on the elbow and glasses with 20/20 vision. Thus, I do not believe in Gd. That sounds intellectual. Definitely makes me an interesting orthodox Jew." See people with long beards that are not rabbis. b) A modern religion of people who feel it's important to not allow followers of ancient religions to enjoy death. Sentence: "Nothing happens when you die." Alternative Sentence: "Life is meaningless. You should be an Atheist." Response to Evangelical Atheist: "If there's no meaning… Why are we having this conversation? Stop pushing Gd on me." Other Response from Religious Person: "I haven’t touched a woman in years. Everything is Asur. All I have is death. Let me enjoy heaven. Whatever it is. Let me have my afterlife."

Avinu Malkeinu- A prayer said on fast days and the Ten Days of Repentance. The greatest Jewish song. Even better than Hava Nagila. It's traditional to space out during services, and then to wake up when everybody starts singing "Avinu Malkeinu." See any Shul on Yom Kippur for silence, until the end of services, when people are excited that it's almost over and start singing with joy. Sentence: "'Avinu Malkeinu' is here. There is a light at the end of the service."

Avreich- a) A Yeshiva student who learns in a Kollel or a young married Frum male. Anybody who doesn’t do the army. As long as you’re not part of Tzahal, you’re good. b) Anyone who showed up to the fundraiser. If you give money to the Yeshiva, you're an Avreich who doesn't have to learn. Sentence at the Dinner Addressing People with Money: "We want to welcome all of the Avreichim that we like."

***This is an excerpt from the Dictionary of Jewish, written by David Kilimnick

It started when the Jews left Mitzrayim. They were freed from Egypt and stuck in the desert, where they were trying to find Florida. It didn't happen. They ended up in Israel. Not all prayers are answered.
There are many stories of the splitting of the Atlantic Ocean, but they aren't true. H' did not split the Atlantic. Since the Atlantic didn’t split, the Jews did not make it to Florida.

It was at the time that Christopher Columbus came to America, the Jews of Spain were in hiding, trying to find a vacation spot. Columbus landed in the Bahamas. The Jew explorers with him said, "This is too hot. I'm Shvitzing." And they went back to Europe on the next ship to Spain, which took a couple years.

The 1920s and On - The Modern Discoveries
It started with The Mountains. Jews purchased places in The Mountains to get away from New York City. This was a great getaway around an hour and a half from the city. In the '50s the men would drive up to The Mountains, drop their wives off at a bungalow and enjoy their summers in Manhattan. It was hot in New York during the summers, but the men were able to put up with the heat. To quote Max, "As long as I don't have to put up with my wife."
Truth be told, it wasn't that hot. It was a degree or two hotter than The Mountains, but they had to tell their wives something to get them out of the city and away from Saks Fifth Avenue. It was much cheaper to buy a bungalow than a fur at Saks.
Then something called global warming started. Husbands started to realize it was too hot in New York. They started Shvitzing. They were going to work and Shvitzing. They didn't like the idea of work. That took them a while to figure out. So, they started spending more time in The Mountains with their families. And that's when the divorce rate went up.

They had these beautiful homes in New York without air-conditioning or heating, and then winter came. Why they had no heating, I don't know. I do know that a lot of the New Yorkers got so mad, they started banging their walls during the winter, which became a tradition. The cold shocked everybody. To quote Max, "It's cold here." 
The Jews migrated to their bungalows and realized they had no heat their either. And for some reason, it wasn't as hot as it was during the summer. To their chagrin, there was winter in The Mountains too.
What do they do! Conversations were had. One guy thought it made sense to stay in New York, where his job was. He was excommunicated. We don't speak of him anymore. The fool. 
The New Yorkers all started talking, and since then, all New Yorkers talk about is directions. The best way to get places. And they shared directions with each other, and they all went back to New York and there was traffic. The directions were excellent. But there were too many people going with the best route. It caused congestion. And that is how rush hour started.

There was this idea to go down south for heat. To quote Shloimi and Sarale, "We will not pay the gas and electric company those ridiculous prices." So, they bought a place down south to save on heating for the winter. Sarale was very happy to share that they save two hundred dollars on gas and electric that year.
Texas came up as an option. Arkansas came up. Tennessee was on the radar. Arizona was an idea. Even Georgia was suggested. And the New Yorkers all agreed, "That's for Goyim. Jews go to Florida." At that time there were no Jews in Florida. Nobody retired yet. People only started retiring in the 1980s. Before that, people dropped dead in cubicles.
Somehow, Florida was a divine calling. It is said that all Jews were present at Sinai. And it was at Sinai that Gd commanded the Jews to move to Florida. I heard that from my friend in Boca. He didn't want to make Aliyah.
Well. The Jews were cold, and they decided that Florida is the place for them. So they started settling Florida.

And the Jews of New York had homes in The Mountains for when it was warm, and in Florida when it was cold, and they didn't show up to work. Their bosses in New York fired them, and that is how antisemitism started. To quote Max, who didn't show to work for the months of October to April, because he felt a draft, "My boss is an anti-Semite."
And now, everybody takes the best route in Florida. And the I-95 is congested with traffic. And now, when somebody has the choice to move to Israel, they move to Florida. And now there are shuls all over Florida, known as Chabad.

You've learned the history of the Jews leaving Egypt, divorce, rush hour, New Yorkers conversing in the only topic of best routes, antisemitism, and how the I-95 became the one road with traffic jams for six hours.

Lessons of What Followed
A group of Jews, known as Retirees started settling Florida. The locals started calling them occupiers.
Little is known of this sect of Judaism, known as Retirees. However, they seem to sound like New Yorkers and they like silk shirts with flowers. Many of them went to Crown Heights Yeshiva and Stern College. They are loved by a group called grandchildren, when they pay for their trips to Florida, known as the winter pilgrimage.
Many connect this Retiree people with the Sadducees.

Jews moved to Florida, following the sect of the Retirees, started taking up sports like golf and tennis. They were getting beat all the time. Then they invited more of their Jewish friends to move down to Florida, and they became better athletes, based on sheer competition. And this is why we have Jews walking around with pale legs, in shorts. And these Jews are all Shvitzing.

Announcements
We want to welcome Quevo to the congregation. It’s a great pleasure to have somebody who sounds so authentic when he prays. You and your family are very unique Jews. To quote Sharon, “They sound like real Jews. They might even be Sefardi.”

We want to welcome all of the guests who came for the Berkstein Bar Mitzvah, who decided to vacation by us in cold.

The shul ski trip has been cancelled. It has been decided that the trip would be better spent at a hotel without a slope. People who are out skiing don’t want to be told by members of the sisterhood that it’s dangerous and they’re going to catch pneumonia.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: Different Kinds of Jews and How Not Everybody that is Jewish is Ashkenazi. Worst Places to Have Bar Mitzvahs. How to Catch Pneumonia by Listening to Our Congregants. How to Ruin Anything Fun- given by our sisterhood.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Shemot 22:6-15) If you’re watching something and you mess up, you have to pay for it... Like your kids. Gd gave you your kids and you mess them up... Mark. You don’t even watch your kids. And they’re still messed up...
They’re messed up, Bernie. Have you seen these kids running around shul.
If something gets stolen and you are benefiting from it, you're responsible when it’s under your guardianship.
You have messed up the shul... A lot. Generations paid for our president to mess up this place. To take the money and mess it up... The roof is not leaking. Every year, you take the money from Bernie's grandparents, who people liked, unlike Bernie, and you fix the roof again... Then when you use the money to fix it, fix it...

You're responsible for your animal, your child, even if it's just grazing. Have you seen your kid at Kiddish, sucking up Stella D'oros off the floor?!
You have to pay the best of the field (Shemot 22:4). Your kids are a bunch of animals running around the shul, ruining stuff. You pay. You give the shul the best carpet... I've seen the Persian rug in your living room... A rug is a carpet. I think we have a congregational consensus... You give the shul the best Tonka truck. You give the candy man the best candies. These kids grazing lollipops... The candy man gets Tangy Taffy. The purple one... If they don't make it anymore, find it. It's  about taking responsibility. And responsibility means giving of the best, and firing the president...

Take responsibility. Responsibility when something is under your control, like your messed up kids. Responsibility for your racism.
What's this big deal about "Sefardic Jews"? "Authentic"???! "He sounds Jewish"?! You’re racist... Not all Jews are Eastern European. And it's more offensive to Ashkenazi Jews. Felvel sounds very authentic for somebody who immigrated 70 years ago. Felvel still sounds like he lives in a Shtetl... That's authentic, Kerri.
It’s Asur to be racist... Ashkenazim are not American Jews. 
You said you’re impressed with the “accent of those people.” "Those people" is racist. It's same as saying, "Stay away from them. They're going to take your money"... Sefardic Jews don't take your money.
AShkenazi Jews are also authentic. Authentic and racist.

It’s about taking responsibility and raising your kids right, so they don’t graze...
Who goes someplace colder, without a ski slope... I understand it’s your nephew, but you should’ve skipped Dov’s Bar Mitzvah...
Take responsibility for the worst Bar Mitzvah. It's not the best of Bar Mitzvahs. And Dov messed up Layning. Worst Torah reading...
Who doesn't ski, but wants a hotel on a slope... You like sloped hotels?!
Not one of you has ever skied. You’ve sat in the lodge. A hotel makes more sense... You should've had a destination Bar Mitzvah. Away from the shul...

You guys make me sick. Thought I would put that in there. I'm taking responsibility for how annoying of a congregation this is...
It's about thinking about others. About not taking them to a Bar Mitzvah where they're going to freeze. It's about allowing Quevo to be Eastern European....

The point is to be kind and nice to people. That is the basis of responsibility. Caring about others when you mess up. And that means congregants...
(Shemot 22:20) “Do not taunt or oppress the stranger, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt.” I feel like a stranger in this shul, with people that do the dumbest things. A bunch of Vilde Chayas.
People that say the dumbest things. "Quevo is Sefardi." We have to accept it... Well, you’re accepting your kids too much. And Quevo is an Eastern European Mizrachi Jew.
Do unto others as you would want done to you... We were slaves Bernie... Right now, we're slaves to America, with three story homes and backyards, and three car garages, and vacations down to Florida. Slaves, Bernie. Slaves. Have you heard the sisterhood when they're cooking?! "We're slaving in the kitchen..."

Be kind and watch your kids. Do your part as parents... Mark is just a messed-up dad. Don’t have him watching over your kids...

When you give something to somebody, to make up for what you did, you give the best. It’s about the importance of others. You give your rabbi a raise. The best raise... Ski lodges are not the best, if you’re not skiing.

Rivka's Rundown
Finally, a rabbi who doesn't want kids around. 
The main point of the sermon is the kids of the shul are animals.
The kids in our shul are messed up. Especially the Simchovitz twins. It might be that I am just always seeing one of them cause trouble, and then I think it's one kid. But it's two messed up kids. If I split up the annoyance of the Simchovitz twins, they might be better than Mark's kids. It's just that they're identical.

The rabbi loves the kids, he just doesn't want to see them. Because the parents are messed up. Come to think about it, I think the rabbi was telling the parents they're messed up, through talking about their kids. Especially Mark. Mark is messed up.

I don't like the idea of the people of our shul taking responsibility for anything. They'll just mess it up.
The president is definitely syphoning funds for dumb ideas, like the winter barbeque. Everybody thought it was a brilliant idea. And nobody showed up because, as the president said, "It was too cold."

Quevo sounds Jewish. It just is what it is. It's that Middle Eastern sounding thing. 
"Those people" is a very racist thing to say. Same with “authentic.” “They say” is also racist. Anytime you’re vague, you’re being racist. That’s how my parents did it. “Don’t go shopping late at night. Those people are there.” Those people were never Ashkenazim. I always thought it was authentic people that were giving over the weather. “They say it’s going to be cold out.”
Anything Quevo does now is considered Jewish, because his accent sounds Israeli. Everybody trusts him and nobody listens to the rabbi.
Our congregants are enamored by Sefardic Jews. They were so enamored by Quevo, they started touching his face. One member said it feels different. I think that's because Quevo has a beard.

The rabbi was suggesting he wanted the Bar Mitzvah to take place away from the shul, so he wouldn't have to be there.
The Bar Mitzvah was spent with people trying to keep warm. A lot of shivering guests. They came and complained about snow the whole time. Some of us brought up the idea of a coat in February. Between us, you have to be a fool to leave Florida in the winter.

What I got from the sermon was that people have to take responsibility for when they mess up, and they have to pay back with the best. And the Bar Mitzvah family messed up by bringing everybody to Topeka during the winter. And for that, they have to give good canty.
Tangy Taffy is the best candy. It's a shame they don't make it anymore. If they handed out Tangy Taffy to throw at the Bar Mitzvah boy, nobody would throw it.

Our sisterhood at a ski slope is a Chilul H’. A desecration of Gd's name. They go and cook and tell people they’re going to catch pneumonia. 
There are places for us to be Jewish mothers. A ski slope is not one of them. The gym is also not a good place for Jewish mothers. Nobody needs one of us spotting them in the middle of a set. With three-hundred pounds of weight in their arms, they don't need to hear me yelling, "Why are you lifting so much?! It's dangerous!"

The class on catching pneumonia from congregants was a class given by the rabbi about how they make him sick. After the class he didn’t show to shul for a week. He got pneumonia.

Children should be brought to shul when they know how to behave properly. Which means never. Never bring your kids to shul.
Mishna Berurah 98:3 "Because kids play and dance in shul, and they defame the holiness of the shul, and they also bother people Davening. And also, when they get older, they don't change this bad Minhag (tradition) that they learned when they were kids, to bother everybody and profane the holiness of shul." And now we know why people talk in shul. It's because they used to run around when they were kids.
You should bring them when they reach the age of Chinuch, where they start being able to be educated, which I believe is around thirty. Unless if they're sitting behind me in shul. I don't think there's an age where they don't talk in shul.

(Shulchan Aruch 131:6) We don’t recite the Tachanun on Tu BShvat. That’s true joy. Getting out of Davening. Not having to pray. That’s how a Jew parties. By skipping Tachnun.
 
It’s tradition to eat more fruit on Tu BShvat, to praise Gd for His creation and to walk around with an upset stomach.
 
It appears that excessive abuse of alcohol leads to sin, as seen from Noach... Hence, one should not slam their drink on a table after they finish it.

Last time we learned the history of how alcohol got introduced to Davening itself. But how did it become an exclusive club that was open to everybody.
 
Drinking Out of Shul
How it became a club. This took many years. Some years went by and beer became quite popular.
At first it was a small group leaving services. It was two guys who had a hangover from Friday night Kiddish, and couldn't wait. They would head out of shul and take a swig.
The idea caught on and people went in small groups to leave services, pulling out their flasks, engraved "this is for the holiness of Shabbis," and drinking under a Tallis. This is how whiskey became acceptable for Kiddish. Then the Jews of Russia said, "What about vodka?" In consideration of Jews of different cultures, the rabbis accepted vodka for Kiddish. And then Jews moved to Mexico and tequila was allowed. Then Jews moved to America and the rabbi said, "Coke tastes good. It doesn't have alcohol, but it tastes good. If you have to, why not. Mix it with some Jack Daniels."

Leaving Shul Turns Into a Club
Back to the flask brothers, as they were known. Their parents were Mr. and Mrs. Flask. They thought to form a club, but nobody wanted to share single malt whiskey. It was expensive. One guy brought up Johnnie Walker Red Label and some people started to share. And the group got larger.
Fishel was the one who came up with the idea of a club, but that got a lot of kickback. Clubs in those days focused on sharing and giving to the needy, and there was only so much Johnnie Walker.
There was the freemasonry. But they were into charity. Pre-Kiddish Kiddish, where the routes of the Kiddish Club are found, was greater than charity. Pre-Kiddish Kiddish was about the soul. It was helping people connect to Gd by getting out of shul. Pre-Kiddish Kiddish had a greater calling than charity. Pre-Kiddish Kiddish, as it was known, needed people to pay for the alcohol. Philanthropic schnapps.
They called it a club and said, "All who want to drink, may they come and drink, and bring a bottle of schnapps." And some Jews got it mixed up with Pesach and thought they had to go, as it was a religious obligation. Some showed up forty minutes late, worried a Haggadah was involved in the club. And schnapps started pouring in.
It was amazing to see how much charity people were willing to give when it got them out of shul.

Why After Torah Reading
Jews were leaving shul for Kiddish Club at different times. Some were leaving right after the Brachas. They would show to shul, say the ten blessings and get a drink. Others would head out when the rabbi did too long of an Amidah (silent prayer).
It was in the 1970s, some of the members of the Kiddish Club were at a football game. Before the game, they saw people outside of their cars drinking. They asked what they were doing. The Buffalo Bills fans said they were "pregaming." In order to see OJ Simpson run, you wanted to be buzzed. Some called it tailgating, but that told the Bills fans, "We can drink alcohol, but we can't use our cars on Shabbat."
So, they decided this should happen before Musaf. Thus, the Kiddish club's main ritual is to pregame Musaf. To come into the added Shabbat prayer a bit tipsy. They would show up to shul for Shvi'i, the last Aliyah, and the leave for the Haftorah around three minutes later, for the Kiddish Club, and drink schnapps, including whiskey, bourbon, scotch, vodka, tequila, and gin. Gin also somehow represents a Jewish community somewhere. And then, they would make their way back into shul, ready to talk to Gd and pray.
It was one of these guys that decided to throw up an eight-year-old to lead the end of services. In the drunken state it looked funny to see a little tiny Chazin. Now it's a tradition. And the whole shul loves seeing these little guys performing Anim Zemirot and Adon Olam.

Adding Onto Davening
It got out of hand. Rabbis hated theses Kiddish Club people. They saw these rowdy crowds of drunk men and came up with the idea of an usher to sit at the door, also known as a bouncer. Years later shuls hired security guards and even started locking the doors, to keep put terrorists and members of the Kiddish Club.
Noticing these Kiddish Club philanthropists of alcohol leaving the shul for so long, the rabbis started coming up with creative ways of getting back at them. One rabbi added another forty minutes to Davening. All in their Shema. And this was adopted by rabbis all over America, in order to keep their congregants in shul longer, with drunk people. To add on another half hour, the rabbi came up with this idea of a sermon.
Now Shabbat morning Davening takes three and a half hours. And every member of the shul, not just the people of the Kiddish Club, need a drink when it's over.

Where Is the Kiddish Club Now
The heroes of the Kiddish Club are now drinking somewhere.
In shul, everybody at the Kiddish Club talks about the rabbi. They drink, talk about the rabbi and come into shul buzzed. And they sing their hooligan chants along with the Chazin during Musaf. Also known as Kedusha.

Effects of the Kiddish Club on Society
To this day we are grateful to the pioneers that started the Kiddish Club. They never gave up. These heroes that started the Kiddish Club were judged for leaving services. But they stuck to their scruples and stayed away from the Haftorah. And this is why the Kiddish Club lasts and tipsy people are in shul.
And we have the Chazin to thank. Without the Chazin, people would’ve never wanted to leave shul.
Thanks to the Kiddish Club and the mark it's left, Tishes have also become popular. Where people drink to become closer to Gd and get away from their wives.

One innovative rabbi in The Five Towns (a place made for only Jews- nonJews live in places like Lawrence, Cedarhurst, and Woodmere) said, "Let's make the Minyin a Kiddish Club." And nobody showed for Kiddish Club.
 
Next time we will discuss the involvement of people known as “mothers” who have been trying to ruin something good, such as the Kiddish Club, with statements such as “we don’t think it’s good for our children to be around drunk people.” But that fringe group known as mothers has been silenced in recent years, in favor of other very loud groups known as guys who want to drink.

Announcements
The shul is asking members to stop calling due to upset stomachs. Eating too many dried fruit is not a spiritual matter. It is one of health. Eating dried dates and figs in colossal amounts will also hurt your stomach when it’s not Tu BShvat.
Rabbi Request: Please consult your doctor. They get paid to deal with your annoying questions.
 
Snow exists. Again. You can pray for it to melt, or you can shovel your driveway. Either way, there is no excuse to not be at Minyin.
 
Due to the Super Bowl and Kanye, we ask all Jews to stay away from rap concerts, for their protection.
 
The Jewish day school wants everybody to know, their children not being educated is their fault. They also blame the rabbi.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Visit Your Doctor, Who Cares, And Not a Rabbi. How to Shovel a Driveway and Not Complain: Getting Our of a Driveway to Go to Shul. Not Having Good Deals on Coats Doesn’t Make A Store Owner an Anti-Semite. Not Sending Kids To School: Best Way to Educate Your Children.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Shemot 18:24-26) Moshe took his father-in-law’s advice and set up leaders of smaller numbers to judge. Leaders take advice when it makes sense. Not when Shmuli and Nachum come with a complaint about the chandelier in the chapel. Not when Ruchie goes off about the committee meeting about the hat sale. Which by the way was awful... It was awful. You didn't even purchase hats to sell, because the hats were too expensive... Then they should've bought them online. You sitting in front of a computer with them is not a hat sale... You called it the Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah Boutique Hat Sale. You can't have a boutique online... Even with two hats.
And you should listen to your father-in-law, Yankel, and move...

(Shemot 18:27) “And Moshe sent his father-in-law away...” Moshe realized he would start giving more advice. And father-in-laws can get annoying. But he did take that original advice. Yankel, leave the shul...
Sometimes distance is important. Which is why I am asking for a five month vacation from you. The congregants. So, that I can like you. I believe I will like you from Israel...

Leaders must judge, which is why I say this shul is messed up. I will tell you the truth. As your judge of the multitudes of the six people that show up to Minyin, I will express judgment...

Unlike Yirto, you make no sense.
Belief in Gd doesn’t stop your stomach from hurting when you’ve eaten four pounds of dried apricot... Tu BShvat is an important holiday, but you will get fat from dried fruit. It has sugar in it on Tu BShvat too.
Your doctor should be consulted for hurt stomach and proper diet... Proper diet is Kosher. Yes. Kosher is the part I take care of. I make sure it is Kosher and that you can get heavy from it. Your doctor tells you why the Kosher food is hurting your stomach. I can't tell you that. I can only tell you how to enjoy it...
Distance yourself from dried fruit for a bit. You have already distanced from shul...

You can’t blame me for snow. I like snow. Especially because it keeps congregants from coming to shul... We need at least ten of you guys.
You definitely have money for a plow. You haven’t paid dues.
Listen and do things right. And distance yourself from what is wrong... No. Come to shul. We need at least ten of you.

As your leader who saw the Super Bowl, you're not allowed to listen to rap anymore... Rap seems to have moved to antisemitism.
Bernie. I think you would make a great rapper. You're an anti-Semite... Well. You disrupt sermons... The Beastie Boys are the worst. Ever heard “Fight For Your Right to Party”? They were skipping Minyin that day...

Who depends on school for education?! Exactly!
Why is this also my fault... I was not in the Heimfeld home fighting when you got divorced...
The school is messed up. We all know it. Not one kid knew how to sing "Tu BShvat Higiah Chag Lailanot." Pathetic.
Distance yourself from school. Listen to your rabbi...

(Shemot 18:23) Yitro tells Moshe that if he does “this thing” of properly setting up courts and judges, and not wearing out people through his judgment alone, they will “endure and this entire people will arrive at its destination with Shalom.”
Here, there is no proper judgment. Hence fighting like the Heimfeld family... The destination is Israel, for your rabbi, to get away from you, for Shalom...
In order for Shalom, you have to listen and sometimes get rid of things. Like the shul president.

And as Moshe sent away his father-in-law, I am asking we get rid of the shul president and send him anywhere... Another shul is fine. Let him preside over there. Let him bring them the curse of fights and anti-Semitic rap music...
You listened to me?! Now please, go.

Rivka's Rundown
And the rabbi ended up leaving the shul and going home early. He didn't even stay for Musaf. He used Yitro as an excuse to run.

The hat sale was awful. Ruchie thought her no brim hat was beautiful. I thought it was a swim cap. The rest of the sale was online. They should've called it an Online Garage Sale. That would've made more sense than calling it Boutique.

The rabbi can't stand Yankel. Wants him out of the shul. The rabbi wants most of the congregants out of the shul. But he realizes he needs ten for a Minyin.

The rabbi's concept is to lead the congregants from very far away. He believes that will allow him to love them more. Anything that allows him to not see them, allows him to like them more.

The rabbi did ask the president to leave, for a blessing, so that the shul can be successful. To quote the rabbi, "The difference between you and Yitro is his advice was helpful." He also asked for himself to be relocated for peace.

Due to the advice to see the doctor instead of the rabbi, many congregants showed up to shul. They were appreciative to the shul board for the announcements, as coming to shul to see their doctors saved them on the copay.

The rabbi refused to be blamed for snow, even though he is a spiritual man who is connected to Gd.

I love the Beastie Boys. That’s my connection to Yiddishkeit. I heard Paul’s Boutique and I realized I can be a good Jew too, without keeping Mitzvot.

Fran swore Burlington is run by anti-Semites, as the pre-winter sale was shvach.

At least the Jewish day school has now distanced themselves from the requirement to educate the children they teach. Before that, parents expected the teachers at the school to teach their children. Now, expectations can be met.
Once some parents decided it was better to educate their children by bringing them to shul, the rabbi rescinded and told them school is better. The rabbi did say, "If you want me to educate your children, that's 18k a year plus shul dues." They hadn't paid last year's dues yet.

The Heimfelds also fought at shul. It's weird. I am still trying to figure out why they got divorced. Half of Kiddish is couples fighting. Fighting has never broken up a marriage before in our congregation.

The how to shovel a driveway class had many people complaining.

The Kiddish Club is where people leave Davening in the middle of shul and go for a drink. The Kiddish Club was not started in Biblical times. Though many consider it Halacha to get out of shul for the Haftorah and not come back, leaving shul to get tipsy is not Jewish law.

When the Jews left Egypt they had an I Am Thirsty Club. However, once they made it to Israel and found the Jordan River, Jews found ways of quenching their thirst. Nonetheless, when the concept of having to sit with your family for a whole Friday night meal was presented as an important way to celebrate Shabbat, the rabbis instituted Kiddish at the meal. And they said Kiddish has to be made on wine. This helped keep Shalom Bayit, peace in the house, helping dads somehow find the annoyance of their children amusing.
Then came Shabbat day, and the rabbis said, "These dads need a drink now too. Kiddish has to be made at the Shabbat meal during the day as well. And when you have another meal in another place, make another Kiddish." Some religious Jews were making up to fifteen Kiddishes, finding new spots to eat. Park benches all over Eastern Europe were full of empty bottle of Manischewitz. Some made it a tradition to visit multiple friends on Shabbat, just to make more Kiddishes. People became friends with random neighbors when they ran out of wine. 
The going to people's homes for Kiddish became a quite popular tradition in the 1300s when people realized that they didn't have to pay for Kiddishes at people's homes. This lead to another tradition, known as Sukkah hopping and not buying your own food for the Sukkot holiday.
Shul boards were trying to figure out how they could help their communities. In the year 424CE, it was unanimously decided that a Kiddish must be provided after services. And the Jews of the exile started showing up to shul at the end of Musaf.

Leaving Services for a Drink
The concept of leaving services for alcohol began in the 1800s. Before that, they had a Shliach Tzibur, a messenger of the congregation, leading the Davening. Once we started calling the person leading the services a Chazan, people felt the need to drink alcohol.
It took the rabbis years to get people to show up on time for Minyin, even though there was no Kiddish till the end of services. Finally, people started showing up on time. It was the lack of cable TV in the homes. It happened in around the year 1306CE, give or take. People would show up and push through the prayers till Davening ended, when all would fold their Tallises in joy and run to Kiddish.
For years, people tried pushing through two and a half hours of Davening on a Saturday morning with this new person leading services that they were calling the Chazan. They could never figure out how to do it. Though they were constantly angry at what they called "The Chazin" or "This Guy Who Makes Me Angry with Song."
To quote Moishie, the first member of the Kiddish Club (which was at that time known as "Moishie going out for a drink"), "I need a drink." His rabbi argued with him that it wasn't a Halacha. But then Moishie said, "Did you hear the Chazin?!" And his rabbi left the shul and had a drink with him, and declared, this should be Jewish law.

A Tradition Begins
So, they started having drinks in the middle of Davening. Middle of Torah reading a guy named Menachem Shloimy stood up and said "LChaim" and passed around drinks during Shlishi. He would walk around the shul with shot glasses and whiskey, and say "LChaim" in the middle of Torah reading. He was corrected when the Gabai told him, "The proper response to a Bracha is 'Amen.'" To which Menachem Shloimy said the Bracha on wine. To which the rest of the congregants, said "LChaim."
A Halacha class was given by the rabbi and they learned that you first say "Amen" to the blessing. Then after you drink, you say "LChaim," to dedicate your drunken state to Chaim. He was a guy in Menachem Shloimy's shul that everybody liked. And to this day, people dedicate their drinking to him.

Moving the Drinking Out of Shul
Some people didn't care for the idea of drinking in shul, in the middle of prayers. In the early 1800s, these people were known as losers. The losers, also known as people who love Gd and believe in sanctification of prayer, proclaimed that drinking should be done after shul. There were others who argued drinking in shul was wrong as the Chazan interrupted their enjoyment of the alcohol. They proposed to leave shul, and they were loved.
Upon hearing this idea of not drinking in shul, it was the Gaon Reb Yankel Simchi who said, "Kiddish. We drink during Kiddish." To which Pinchas said, "But Kiddish is after Davening."
After much discussion it was decided by the Gaon Reb Yankel Simchi, "We shall have Kiddish before Kiddish." Pinchas The Loser asked, "What does that consist of?" To which Reb Yankel said, "Drinking." And he was the most loved rabbi in all of Lithuania.
Thus came about the creation of schnapps.

After the Super Bowl and Kanye West, it seems that the public has again accepted anti-Semitic rhetoric as fine. I spoke with a Jewish local rap artist, Shloimi Yankel, to find out what he thinks about these rap artists who seem to be anti-Semitic. It turned into a discussion about how you have to accept how people identify. It turned into a modern discussion of what a Jew is.

What do you think about pulling out a Palestinian flag in the middle of the rap show at the Super Bowl?
I didn't know Kendrick Lamar was Palestinian. Does he identify as Palestinian?

Maybe.
Then he is.

I think it was one of the dancers that pulled it out. Even if he’s not from Palestine, he’s a Palestinian?
Yes. You don’t need ancestry or connection to identify.

Thank you. That is profound. I thought you needed something of relevance to identify.
So, if somebody says they're Jewish, they're Jewish.
If they identify that way, then they are.

What do you think about the idea of conversion?
It's wrong. Somebody says they want to be Jewish. They're Jewish. They get an Aliyah to the Torah. They are part of the covenant of Avraham.

So conversion is not necessary.
Only if somebody wants to identify as a convert.

So, is Kendrick Lamar a rapper.
If he identifies as one.

I don’t know what he’s singing. I don’t think it rhymes enough for it to be rap.
That’s wrong of you.
 
To have an opinion.
Yes. Opinions are wrong.
 
Let’s say I identify as somebody with an opinion?
Then it’s right.

What about Stevie Wonder?
If he identifies as a rapper, he's a rapper. If he identifies as somebody with opinions, he can have opinions.

And James Taylor.
Definitely a rap artist. That's how he identifies.

So, is Kanye West an anti-Semite.
I have to ask him. If he identifies as an anti-Semite, he's an anti-Semite.

I see you're quite progressive.
I identify as progressive. I even get my insurance from them.

This interview was going nowhere. And I was identifying as somebody who wanted to hurt this Jewish rap artist. So far, it turned out Shloimi Yankel actually thinks nothing. But I had to continue the interview to see if he did have a real thought to share.

What do you think about Kanye West?
He's Jewish.

No. He's not.
He says he is.

How does that make him Jewish.
He said he's Jewish. He's Jewish.

He said he's a Nazi.
He's a Jewish Nazi. He's an artistic Jewish Nazi who hates Jews. And that's fine. You can identify and hate yourself.

Have you dealt with antisemitism while singing?
Yes. Many people don't like my songs.

How is that anti-Semitic?
My Music is Jewish.

But you sing about love and your girlfriend.
Love is Jewish. Shir Hashirim? I take those lessons to heart.

Back to antisemitism.
Anytime I perform and people don't give me a standing ovation, I chalk it up to antisemitism. I perform for a lot of anti-Semites.

Nobody stood to applaud at your show for the shul last month.
Anit-Semites.

But the congregants don’t identify as anti-Semites.
But they are. They didn’t clap.
I once spoke with the rabbi. He said he deals with the board, and they are anti-Semites.
 
So, there is a loophole. If people don’t identify as anti-Semites and don’t like your music, they’re anti-Semites.
Exactly.

How much antisemitism is there in the songwriter community?
Just listen to the lyrics. “Backstreet’s back alright.” That means the Backstreet Boys are back at hating Jews.

So. In conclusion. Is rap anti-Semitic?
If it identifies that way.

Let's say the rapper holds up a Palestinian flag that says "From the river to the sea." Is that anti-Semitic?
If the rapper says it's anti-Semitic, then I accept how he identifies with that flag.

I don't think we're getting anywhere.
If that is how you feel. If you identify this meeting that way.
 
Final statement.
It's not right for us to judge Kanye as an anti-Semite, if he identifies that way. We should not judge him as an anti-Semite, the same way we expect for him to not judge us as Jews. Kanye West is a Jewish Nazi and that is fine.
 
So. What is Judaism?
However one defines it.
 
So, Judaism doesn’t exist.
According to Kanye and that guy running around with the flag at the Super Bowl.
 
So, they may not even hate Jews. Kanye might just hate his agents.
Exactly. He’s an anti-agent-semite.

Conclusion
It turns out that nowadays being Jewish means nothing unless if people want to kill you.
How this turned into a discussion of people identifying as anti-Semites, and that somehow being a heritage, I don’t know. I do know that people hate Jews because of this rapper. At least they don’t give him standing ovations.
After this interview, I made a point of never interviewing anybody under forty years of age again. I felt like I was interviewing Kanye West.
It's amazing how after all the events our people have been through over the last year and a half, that this Jewish kid still can't figure out identity.
“You don’t need ancestry or connection to identify.” That statement said it all. I am confused. I am confused and I wonder if there is any relevance of communication when anybody can say what they are, claim it, and hate Jews and want to kill Jews, who somehow don’t even exist.
It was comforting to know that our rapper friend Shloimi Yankel still had a strong enough Jewish identity to note, like any good Jew, that when something does not work in his favor, it’s because of anti-Semites. Though, he did say to call him The Artist Formerly Known as Shloimi Yankel.

Announcements
The food drive for the homeless brought in some excellent steaks. Prime cuts. It is very kind and thoughtful of our community to think of the homeless, giving them due respect of having fridges and grills in their tents on the streets.
 
We will not be planting a tree in the middle of the sanctuary for Tu BShvat, as the board suggested. The rabbi says it feels like it's idol worship. He also said treating Mark kindly because he is a fool who has money is idol worship, even if he has an Olympic pool and pickleball court in the backyard. He’s also sure that the president of the shul is a heretic.
 
Shul Notice: Dried fruit will also make you fat.
 
We will host a Tu BShvat Seder for all the heretics.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Not Help the Homeless Like our Sisterhood. How to Not Have a Shul Full of Idol worshipers or Congregants. How to Keep the Laws of Tu BShvat and Not Be A Religious Jew. How Our Congregants Find a Way to Put On Weight Even When There is No Holiday.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
It’s Shabbat Shira, The Sabbath of Song, and we’re asking our congregants to not sing... Have you heard yourself sing? Bernie. You sound like a congregant...

(Shemot 14:15) At the sea, with the Egyptians right there and the Jews crying, H’ says to Moshe, “Why do you cry out to me, speak to the children of Israel and journey.”
Sometimes you have to do stuff. Stop talking. Stop praying and do stuff. Turn to Shimon and say, "Stop coughing already." Stop praying for Merv to stop telling you jokes. Tell him, "We've already heard the joke about the priest. We didn't like it. We're not going to like it now." Let the sisterhood know you don't want dried figs at Kiddish, just because Tu BShvat is coming up. Sometimes you have to do...
Your prayers aren’t answered because you sing bad. Your harmony is off.
Sometimes we have to depend on ourselves. Which is hard with our shul board...

First you have to do something and fire the board. Hishtadlus. Gd steps in when you don't have a shul board... Because they will ruin it. They ruin everything.

Rashi’s first teaching is that Moshe was praying at this moment. H’ is saying when Israel is in distress, it’s not the time for lengthy prayer.
Between us. It's easier to pray than to be out there fighting the war. It's also easier to pray than to be out there raising money and sending money and clothes to our brethren and sisteren in Israel... Shira. You do a great job praying. You've given nothing...
Prayer is important. But we must act... You say one Tehillim Shira. Then you're off to the salon. You have a lot more time. The point is what you do with the sisterhood isn't helpful. Raising money for Israel to host a falafel night for the sisterhood does not help Israel...

There are times for action. The food drive is not the kind of action we are talking about. We’re talking about helpful action...
I took the steak... Homeless people don’t have fridges. They’re homeless. What are they going to do with steak?... Invite them to your home and cook it for them. In the meantime, I took the steak...

Your actions are idol worship. A tree in the middle of the shul?! It’s like you want to turn our shul into Rockefeller Center. Last year you asked for an ice skating rink around the Bima...
Idol worship. Every one of you... Pickleball with a heretic is idol worship. Be it Mark or the shul president... Mark's dues make him a Tzadik. He pays dues. So, we like him. But you shouldn't look up to him... Dues are different. Dues are Teshuva. Repentance...

Actions affect us even if we don't know how. How the board can be so annoying. I don't know. It just is.
How does healthy food make you fat? I don’t know. I just know Shlomo and Hana put on thirty pounds last Tu BShvat. Dried fruit and nuts. The Tu BShvat Seder did it...
Dried fruit will make you fat. SO2 keeps it in you longer. The sulfur dioxide just keeps the fat there...
Other stuff also puts weight on you. Your Nishama Yeteira, the extra Shabbat soul, should not be there all week... Ms. Melsowitz. You have four Nishama Yeteiras. I suggest you get rid of three of them. You only need one extra soul.

It's action. We pray for positive action... Is Tu BShvat Seder positive? Good religious Jews don’t care about the environment. When you have fifteen kids, you use plastic...

I didn’t say to not pray. Sometimes action is needed. H’ will do His part. But you have to stop complaining. Shimon. You don't deserve an Aliyah this week...

Do something positive with your lives and Gd might help. Maybe pay your dues and the shul will have a better Kiddish and a fixed leak. You come and pray for it. How about you pay for it...

And you all complain about dried fruit hurting your stomachs. Always complaining, like the Jews being chased by the Egyptians...
(Shemot 14:12) “It’s better for us to serve Egypt than to die in the desert.” Well is it? Let's see. It's definitely not better to be the rabbi at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah...
They were willing to go back to Egypt and be slaves. Is that really living?! Sometimes you have to take a stand and say, “No. There will not be a tree in this shul. And I can't stand the Chazin. The president. And now the sisterhood is having perishable food drives for homeless people...”

Are you really living if you’re not eating dried fruit?! If your fruit is fresh, is that living, or servitude?!
And why dried fruit in the food drive? Are you trying to kill homeless people's stomachs?!

This Shabbat Shira, before Tu BShvat, I just pray we can hear the beautiful sound of nature and not have to listen to congregants complaining.
May we not hear the sounds of our congregation, or witness any of their actions... I fear the actions of our board. You mess up stuff. 
Maybe our congregation should just pray. Pray with no song... Just say the "Az Yashir."

Rivka's Rundown
Thank Gd it was Shabbat. Otherwise, the women would've brought out their hand drums. 
“You sound like a congregant” is a hurtful statement. I've heard them sing.

The rabbi is sick of hearing the congregants complain. Yet, he says it's better than them singing. This is why he is also fine with them praying in spoken form.

It was the only good falafel night we've had. I commend the sisterhood on that. Israel got no money from it. But we did feel Israeli solidarity with good falafel. I like to think that our eating falafel touched the hearts of our brothers and sisters in Israel.

The rabbi took all perishable items. Including steak, salmon, and hamburgers somebody grilled and dropped off for the homeless. He took them home, put it in his freezer. As he said, "I haven't received a raise in five years. Two hundred dollars of ribeye is a start." 
It was the first time a food drive included cooked food in a home the homeless weren’t invited to. It was almost as helpful as our eating falafel was to Israel. It was the closest our shul ever came to a food kitchen. To quote the president of our sisterhood, “We don’t feed people in our food kitchen."

Anything that seems like something they would do in Manhattan for Xmas, the board feels is a good design for our shul. It’s that whole HGTV thing. It’s good the rabbi banned HGTV watching. I also couldn’t stand listening to them and their 200k home renovation concepts on their 125k homes. 
Since our congregants stopped watching HGTV, they've been focusing on their cars. One put turning gold rims on their Ford Fusion.

I believe the rabbi was teaching us that Mark's money is good if it is given for to the shul. Otherwise, forbidden.

The rabbi's main lesson of Tu BShvat this year is that natural foods that are full of SO2 and sugar can also make you fat.
The rabbi did make it clear that the Nishama Yetira can get heavy. That definitely helped bring down the amount of food consumption at Kiddish.

All the heretics will definitely show up for the Tu BSHvat Seder. To quote our rabbi, "Only heretics keep Jewish traditions that connect the earth to Gd. The rest of the good Jews eat deli."

"Come and pray for it. How about pay for it." That quote lost us half the membership.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about haberdasheries exchanging money, people helping the Israeli soldiers with food and the open airiness of dried fruit in the shuk, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for expressing his money saving techniques of not paying for stuff he is buying.

You asked me about the celebration of Tu BShvat and thus I shall answer. If you're not a Frum Jew, you should celebrate Tu BShvat and find joy in nature. If you're a Frum Jew, learn Torah to celebrate nature. Tu BShvat is the New Year of Trees, and thus a Jew must celebrate. And thus a Jew must find joy. And thus a Jew eats stuff.
Here are things you must do to bring joy to the New Year of Trees.

No Tachanun is Said on Tu BShvat
The Shulchan Aruch (131:6) teaches that we don't say the Tachanun prayer on Tu BShvat because of the joy of trees that we as people connect to. Not reciting Tachanun is the greatest joy you can give a Jew. To quote the Pasuk (Devarim 20:19), "For man is like the tree of the field." Trees also don't say Tachnun.
The joy of getting out of shul a minute early is one of elation. Imagine how much joy a Frum Jew would get out of another ten minutes of not being in shul. For this reason, many of adopted the Tu BShvat tradition of showing up to shul late. Many very religious Jews sleep through Davening. They make it a point of not going to shul after Tu BShvat as well. That is how committed they are to the requirement of Tu BShvat joy.

Eat Dried Fruit
Man is like a tree, and hence the joy. Trees are very joyful. That is the message of Tu BShvat. Like a tree bears fruit, so too man eats it. Taking is the natural way of relationships, we take from the tree. And give the tree nothing. Just like family. Again, the holiday is about meaning.
And like old dried fruit, old people wither and become shriveled. Sometimes, when fruit comes out of a pool, it also shrivels. Thus, we eat dried dates and apricots, which look like old people. Apricots are preferred because they look like old people with a really bad spray tan.
To truly enjoy Tu BShvat, climb people. It brings an element of fun to the holiday.

Sulfor Dioxide
Sulfor dioxide is an important part of the Tu BShvat food, allowing it to stay in you. You want the holiday to last. And SO2 ensures that.
Sulfur dioxide is also an important part of the Israeli diet, along with people's hands reaching into the nuts that I'm about to purchase.

Why Nuts
It's tradition to eat nuts on Tu BShvat. I heard they come from trees. I'll go with it.
Almonds in Israel are just amazing. Hence, we eat them. Tradition. I don't know if that is in the Shulchan Aruch.

The Tu Bshvat Seder Brings Joy
Pesach isn't the only Seder. People also like to drink wine on Tu BShvat. Hence the Seder, to justify being a lush around religious people.
Keep the Seder quick. If it is long, people will start to get flashbacks to Tachnun. Also keep in mind the fruit and almonds. A long Seder will ruin the joy, as the dried fruit starts to settle and causes heartburn. Once Shilshul sets in, the joy of the Seder is over.

Tradition of Puns
Fruit puns are amazing. Almost as amazing as almonds. The date joke is just too good to resist. Date puns about dates are amazing fun. Turn to a single person and say, "Here is a date, so you can get a date." Always brings joy and laughs.
The puns remind us of the Simanim on Rosh Hashana. With all the Rosh Hashana fruit puns, I feel like the New Year is another New Year for trees, celebrating puns twice. Wait, another fruit pun... "What do you call an ant that wants their whole family to be at the wedding? A cantaloupe!" Just came up with that one. You get it? Antelope. This one can't. Hence, cantaloupe, which is a fruit. The ant can't elope. It's a religious ant. Just adding more joy to the Tu BShvat Seder.
Nuts also make for great puns. Such as, "You're a nut." That pun can go on for a good half hour of laughs at the Seder.
Puns bring Tu BShvat joy to fathers who come up with them, and people who can't find joy in monologues.

I hope all of this helps bring joy to your Tu BShvat, as you now understand the importance of dried fruit and nuts for Jewish celebration. Joy is found in eating. We have tried finding joy outside of food for millennia. Nothing works, other than food, dried fruit puns, skipping prayers and climbing people. Joy has yet to be found in one's children. Nachis is a farce. And remember, nothing brings more joy than going to the Shuk taking dried fruit, and not paying for it.

Announcements
The rabbi banned watching HGTV. Home renovation TV shows are now forbidden. Too many congregants are renovating their homes and not paying dues.
The rabbi says you can make a home look Jewish, even if it's not an open concept. The rabbi forbids open concept living. To quote the rabbi: “The only open concept Jews are allowed to work with is in the wilderness.”

We want to wish a Mazel Tov to Yitzi’s mom. Best Anim Zemirot ever. Your son is a future Chazin. He is so much better than the other kids. Seeing Yitzi perform makes the Bar Mitzvah boys look like toddlers.

There will be Layning lessons for kids over Bar Mitzvahed. Now that Yitzi is leading Anim Zemirot, it’s about time the fifteen-year-old, Mordy, learns to read the Torah.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Renovate Your House Like a Jew and Clean For Pesach. How to Grow Up and Move Past Leading Adon Olam At Fifteen. Mastering Not Being an Eight-Year-Old, When You Are Fifteen.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Shemot 10:9) With the young and the old Moshe and Aharon want to take everybody to pray to H’. Including kids. That is what our congregants do. Make a lot of noise during Davening and have their kids run around.
Paroh sees the problem. Because he has Kavanah when he prays... Moshe wanted the kids to pray properly and sacrifice right. He wanted them to join in the service to H' and keep quiet. Not like Moishie. And why is Moishie in for the sermon?!... Moshe would've kicked out Moishie for the sermon.

(Shemot 10:24) After the plague of darkness, Paroh says that the kids can go and pray with them. “Only flock and cattle shall remain behind”... Kids get scared in the dark. Paroh didn’t want them around anymore.
The new window renovations have added a plague of darkness to our sanctuary. That's what watching HGTV does...

(Shemot 10:25-26) Moshe tells Paroh that the offerings come too. The people and the offerings. “And our livestock will also go with us,”
Yous serve H’ with everything. You serve H’ with all you have, including livestock. But you keep kids out of shul... Because they add nothing. Absolutely nothing. And you pay your dues. Your dues are part of everything...
And they even asked for vessels of silver and gold from the Egyptians (Shemot 11:3). When it comes to serving Gd, it’s everything. Which makes me ask why we are still using plastic utensils at Kiddish... The environment is important to H' too...

You serve H’ with your home... Not an open concept. Your home looks like a plague hit. From one room, you can see the mess of the whole house...
No more renovations. Focus on your home being tidy and clean. No more renovations. Open concept is Asur... It’s not Tzanua. You need closed rooms... Hachnasat Orchin, having guests is important. A closed concept and an open home...
The Beit HaMikdash had chambers. Closed concept... There goes Bernie again. It would be great if the shul had a closed concept to members.
You want to renovate? Give money to the Beit Midrash... Here’s a home renovation for the Finkelmans. Sefarim. Jewish books. A Jewish concept. Maybe make your house look a little Jewish... Buy Sefarim for the Beit Midrash. Learn about Mitzvot, not open concepts...

Modern means no personality. Not Jewish.
No Merv, Max or Bernie in your house. The shul needs a modern makeover of that sort... Yes. You out of the shul, Bernie... You don’t get a discount on dues. This isn’t taxes...
And shul renovations stop now. It is too much. A waste of money... No open concept in the shul. It’s a Mechitzah. It has to be there...
Pesach cleaning. That is renovations. Getting the dirt off the floor. Scrubbing a bit.

Is Moishie still sitting here?!... Why has nobody moved Moishie?! He has parents... I think they would've been Eruv Rav.

What do the kids in our shul add??? Other than Yitzi. Love that kid. The way he bangs the table. A star.
You serve H’ with how you pray. And we want decent kids leading services. Moshe didn’t have messed up kids leading Anim Zemirot.
Yitzi is so much better than all of your other kids in this shul... Yes. Esther. Yitzi is so much better than your son... And your son is fifteen.

Can we get Yitzi up here... Moshe would've had Yitzi singing along with the services.
Yitzi. You are our new Anim Zemiort kid. First time, and you didn't ruin it... You didn't have to hit it out of the park. After hearing some of the other kids in our shul, you just had to not ruin the prayer for us...
Fast and loud. When you reach Bar Mitzvah, we're firing the Chazin.
And you outshined the kid you were doing it with.
He just has it. Finally, a decent Anim Zemirot leader...

May we all share in redemption. A redemption where we have a decent Chazin and Mordy doesn't lead in Anim Zemirot. A redemption where the sisterhood doesn't do any renovations on the shul... A redemption with beautiful singing with a closed concept to harmony by our congregants. Amen!

Rivka's Rundown
Truth is the parents let the kids do whatever they want in the shul. The rabbi is right. They probably would've left our youth in Egypt.
The fact that Moishie was in the sermon sitting on the Bima the whole sermon was normal for our congregants.

The rabbi telling everybody the environment is important had many of our members questioning their childhood, and if Sukkot and Pesach with thirty guests was allowed according to Jewish law, with the caused plastic utensil landfill.

After the sermon, congregants wrote letters of protest to HGTV. Many said they were anti-Semites because their renovations are too expensive. One congregant told them that not one renovation included a Shabbis Lichter (candelabra). Some even wrote their senators.

Some people went fully open concept. Had glass walls for bedrooms. Open concept has gone too far.
And they all want it to look new. Warmth. No warmth in any house. They get rid of everything beautiful in a house and make it modern. Which means white and not lived in. I think the goal is germ free. For everything to look like a hospital. That’s modern.
And they are so excited. “Our house feels like the hospital surgical unit. No personality. Perfectly reflects us.”
And HGTV is so happy to take all the personality out. That’s what they do as designers. One of them saw a hospital and said, "We should have scalpels in every home." Hence, they have utensil drawers in the kitchen.
Love how the rabbi equated Yitziat Mitzrayim and the desert with open concept, telling everybody that nobody liked the Jewish concept of living in the wilderness.
If people had cleaner homes, they would look good. If our members mowed their lawns. Instead, they want to just break it all down.

The rabbi went off on how great Yitzi is for a good half hour. More correctly, he let all the other kids know they’re not as good as Yitzi. And how their parents’ renovations are only there in hopes that their children will leave the house.
Yitzi truly is good. He's already banging on the table and tapping his feet. Other kids stopped showing up. They can’t compete.

I think those classes for the pathetic fifteen-year-olds still leading in Anim Zemirot were for Mordy.
When you're fifteen, learn how to lead regular services. I agree. It's pathetic. It's messed up. They get stuck mastering Anim Zemirot and they want to do it for the rest of their lives. Bernie still jumps up for Anim Zemirot every once in a while. He's ninety something. Still can't Layn.

The Chazin started looking for a new job after the sermon. He saw how good Yitzi was with his foot tapping.

What do little kids love to eat on Chanukah in the sea? A Sufganiah. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? The Yam Suf. Sea of Reeds. A Gan is a nursery school. “Iah.” I have no idea what that means. This is what makes this pun riddle unique. The answer is a surprise. Something you would never get. With a good pun, like a good pop quiz, you want to keep them guessing.

She was skipping school for her Chanukah job. So, her parents Gelted her into going back to school. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Chanukah Gelt (money). Guilted her with cash. Gelted her into it... Gelt’s more convincing. Especially when you're trying to make money.

Artscroll put out a special Chumash for Breslovers. The Stoned Edition. (Mordechai)
You get it? Artscroll has a Stone Edition. Stoned Edition is for people who smoke up. Some NaNach Breslov Chasidim have a reputation... Someone will get mad at this. I know. And almost every Breslover I know doesn't get high. But there are those who do. So, let's focus on them for this pun... Ripping out paper from the Stoned Edition to roll is Asur.

Asarah BTevet was only ten hours. Boy. It was fast. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Asarah BTevet is a fast. The fast only lasted ten hours. That’s fast. The fast was fast. And then that little extra "ten" for the Tenth of Tevet. The fast comes out on the tenth. A little extra topping on that pun for you.

Paroh had compassion on the wine steward, because he was pour. The baker had a lot of dough. (Mordechai)
You get it? Poor. It should've been "poor." We wrote “pour.” He poured stuff. We misspelled poor so you could enjoy the pun. Then the extra with the baker and dough. Dough meaning money here, but could mean dough for baking... The pun might have been best three weeks ago. Better than getting it three weeks ago, you get two puns in one.

Why is a navy boat that isn’t moving against Torah? It’s an idle warship. (Mordechai)
You get it? Idle. Read it “idol worship,” and it will mean something totally different. And it will also sound different. It’s in one spot, hence it’s idolatry. If it would be moving, it would be a boat praying to Gd. When Jews pray, they sway. Thought that last part added a little meaning. We like for our puns to touch people.

What do you call it when shorter people do Avodah Zarah? Idolabush. (Mordechai)
You get it? Avodah Zarah is idolatry. Say “Idolatree.” Now you’re catching on. Taller idolaters worship trees. Shorter idolaters worship a bush. Wait. Idolashrub. How about that? Idolashrub. For even shorter people.