That's how it looks the first few days after you make Aliyah. Then you realize you're an immigrant.
Here are some of my one-liners from the classic "Aliyah Monologues" show.
Aliyah - Moving to Israel Aliyah isn't for Americans. Aliyah is for people from third world countries and France. I made Aliyah. I figured, I can move to Jerusalem and live with Americans, or I can move to South Florida and live with Israelis. Anti-Semites do the best job of getting Jews to move to Israel. (At least the Zionist ones.) I was in Rochester and Kodak was closing. I wanted to get out of there before they started blaming that on the Jews. (I know my history.) Living in Israel I went to Ulpan six months. I learned Hufal. (Exactly. I've never heard an Israeli use the verb conjugation Hufal. If you were Israeli, you would be on the floor, laughing right now. Hufaltem.) I finally learned what Nahag means. I used to think Nahag was something you're supposed to scream when a door closes on you. (It's the guy who closes it on you. You have to know Hebrew to understand these English one-liners.) In Tel Aviv, the guy was bragging, "Tel Aviv is New York." I told him, "New York is very different. I was in New York, and I was able to find Kosher food." (I also let him know that I didn't have to tell the people in New York that underwear is not a swimsuit. Then he started showing me the skyscrapers. "Look. Five stories.") Can't get into the post office. Everything's a holiday. You have Yom HaAtzmaut, Yom Yerushalayim, Yom Revi'i. (My friend might fed me that joke. Let me explain. "They have Israeli Independence Day. Jerusalem Day. Wednesday." Wednesday is not a holiday, but they celebrate it. They also don't work on Wednesdays.) I saw a dead dog on the side of the road. I was thinking, "It's such a shame that's not a cat." Religion Everywhere Jerusalem even has the Biblical zoo with all the Biblical animals like penguins. In Jerusalem we are very religious. We have the belief that everything is in the hands of Gd. People who don't believe that, work. (They have jobs. We have belief in Gd. Emunah. Sarcasm.) In Meah Shearim. The way they cross the street, you can see they have a lot of Emunah. (That’s faith in Gd.) Single and Religious Segulot, positive omens. They go to the Kotel for forty days straight. That's how they're going to meet their husband. I have a better idea. Try going to the gym for forty days straight. (And I am still single. I should've never told that joke. Some things are better kept to yourself.) They go up north for the Segulah to meet somebody, to the Kever of Yonatan Ben Uziel. Walk around his grave seven times. The guy is dead and he's doing better than me. (When you have to explain, one-liners take longer.) These Frum girls. When they go out with me, everytime, "I want to be Shomeret Negiah. I want to stop touching guys. Starting now." (They want it to be meaningful. Then they tell me about all the other guys they had meaningless relationships with, which were fun.) War I respect the soldiers. All doing the army. What they do for a free bus pass. (I just lie about my age. In some of these communities, you can pass for twelve with a beard.) As an Oleh, an immigrant to Israel, I ran into an Israeli when I was visiting America. I asked him, "If there was a war in Israel, what would you do?" He said, "I would go right back to my homeland to be with my people." I told him, "If there was a war in Israel, I like to think I would do the same exact thing." (Sometimes you have to extend a one-liner for the meaning.) The way our people came together after October 7th. I have never seen a whole nation come together as our people did, to complain about the cost of ELAL. (Flights are too expensive. Price gouging is the real issue.) I pray for the day again, where I can cut off a Jew on Highway 1 and not feel bad. Visiting Israel my friends are worried. "What about all the bombings, shootings, stabbings?" Then I left New York. (David Rubin shared this at Kiddish. I'm happy I showed up to shul that day.) I hope you connect now to the Holy Land. Maybe you’ll move there and buy a house in Ohio, where they’re affordable. Tags:
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Got this sad video game for Chanukah. It needed a gaming console. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Console. Gaming console. To console the console. Console and console sound very different. Same word but sounds very different. Which is why this pun is best delivered in a letter. Games have feelings too. They just sound different. She got so much money for Chanukah. She felt so Gelty. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Gelt is money. Guilty. Here it’s Gelty. Guilty about Gelt. Gelty pockets are heavy. Something meaningful to that statement. It should be a saying. If it wasn't it is now. And it's very true if it's coins. Chocolate Gelty pockets can get very messy. Check that out. Another saying. It seemed like the paper heard everything. It was a flyer on the wall. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Fly on the wall. Flyer on the wall. We added the “er." Shuls have flyers, so it's a Jewish pun. Yosef saw Yaakov switch his right hand to Efraim, and he started thinking the Bracha about children propagating was kind of fishy. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? He said they should “propagate like fish.” Fish. Fishy. Fishy means suspicious. There’s something fishy about this pun. Especially, Yaakov switching his hands. In order to understand a pun, you should have a decent knowledge of the Torah. That store city Pitom went up real fast. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Pitom means “suddenly” in Hebrew. The name of the city the Jews built. The Jews built it real fast because the Egyptians were burdening them. The Jews suffered with it. Lisbol Sivlotam. Chinuch. And that is why you probably shouldn't be laughing at this pun. Some puns are serious. They're supposed to remind you of slavery. Shoreshes, roots of Hebrew words, are great for puns. Sometimes the pun is the exact meaning of the word. Which begs the question if it’s funny or not. It’s up to you if you want to laugh, or if you want it to be meaningful. I’m not going to judge you all the sudden. Maybe you have a dark sense of punner. The shul had a juicing event. Bernie said, “I didn’t come to shul for a choir.” (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Juicing sounds like “Jews sing.” Juicing is how you make smoothies. They were making smoothies. They were also singing. Jewsing. An event with two activities. The Talmid developed another birth mark, and the rebbe said, “Nach a Mol.” (Mordechai) You get it? Nach a Mol means “still one time.” This hear means “another mole.” You just have to work some English into the Yiddish there, and it works. ***Note: We learned a lot from the puns these past couple months. You will definitely think twice before laughing the next time you hear a pun. We just suggest here at the Kibbitzer that you think about the Shoresh and the puns effect on the Jewish people before you laugh. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: Bo1/25/2026 
Announcements
Yeshiva Week trips are encouraged. If you missed your trip, please take other trips. The rabbi would like you to travel. He said, “Your travel and you not being at shul is a good thing. My congregants’ vacations are important for my relaxation.” The Youth Shabbaton will take place this weekend. We ask that you not talk to the kids. We don’t want them to turn out to be bad Jews. They will be staying at your homes. Please clean more than you do for Pesach. We ask you fold your linen, and not just spray it down with oven cleaner. Oven cleaner is not good on our children's skin. We're hoping that with the snowstorm, members won’t show. The shul parking lot will be closed this Shabbat, as the rabbi is worried the nonShomer Shabbis people will still come. The rabbi said it’s your fault for sticking around and not leaving for Yeshiva Week. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Leave for Yeshiva Week- A Class on Chesed and Us Not Having to See You for a Week. How to Turn Youth off to Yidishkeit- With Our Members. Snowstorms in Topeka and How Jews Decided to Not Be Shomer Shabbis When It Reached Zero Fahrenheit- A History of the Heathens in Our Shul. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 12:8) “They must eat the meat on that night. Roasted over fire, and matzah, with bitter herbs shall they eat it...” You have to eat it all. That night. No leftovers... They didn’t have refrigeration, Pinchas.... Of course, roasted. It tastes better. If you make it right. Not like Freida’s choolante, you will finish it. (Shemot 12:2) “This month for you shall be the beginning of months. This month (Nissan) shall be for you the first of the months of the year.” All the sudden it changes from Tishrei. Very similar to the board's decisions which change very often. The difference here is that a committee didn't make the decision. Hence, it's the right decision... You want another Yom Kippur?! You guys complain every High Holiday and now he wants another... This is the new year of months. Where you count months from. We now count from Nissan. A new start as a nation. We have to celebrate this. Now it is the time for renewal... Chadash. Chodesh. New. Renewal. If you understood Hebrew, you could also give a Drasha. But you know very little, so I have to talk... Rashi teaches the years are now from Tishrei with Rosh Hashana. But we count the months from Pesach... Well, that's how renewal works, Bernie. How about renewing my contract. A raise... Sforno teaches that the word Lachem "for you" is repeated twice in the verse to highlight a new relationship between Jews and time. As slaves, our time belonged to our masters. But now, as free people, we're masters of our time, and the only Master is now Gd... And when our board is masters of time, I have to waste two hours at a meeting. I repeat stuff because you don't listen. Moshe had a better congregation. They listened... If Pinny and Bernie were there, Moshe would've never had the chance to make his point, and they wouldn't have been able to leave in haste... Ethel and Max with their walkers would've slowed it all down too... When you ask me annoying questions. When I have to eat your food. I don't feel like I'm a master. Nobody would serve their master a Kugel like Freida... When there is snow, you're still masters. You just don't realize it. You're free to freeze yourself... And that is what the Chodesh. The master of months represents. You making decisions that it's too cold to come to shul. And this is the beginning of them... Nissan. Do you people listen?! Maybe be the master of you listening and learning something. Maybe be the master of renewing your watch to standard time. It's winter for... Let us renew now. Start now... Because until now, you’ve all messed up. You’ve cooked your meat. Who cooks meat? People that don't do Yeshiva Week. BBQs have to come back to our nation... Roast it. Maybe if you roasted your food and Kashered the meat as you cooked it, I would eat by you... Freida. You have to add something else too. Maybe taste... Bitter herbs a good thing to renew... The Hadassah Cookbook is not helping you. You should be looking to the Parsha for cooking advice... You don’t cook with marmite on Rosh Chodesh. It’s a Busha. On Rosh Chodesh, we celebrate the renewal of decent cooking... Why did so few of you leave for Yeshiva week? You all go down to Florida anyways. Why not this week?... What is Yeshiva Week. Well, I guess that's a good place to start. It's a week to get the children to love Yeshiva again... The kids love Yeshiva Week. Because there is no Yeshiva. Renewal. Renewal is not having to see you. Renewal is not having to see the kids of our congregation. Renewal is something good. It's a form of Chesed... Chesed is us not having to see you. It allows for a new beginning. A hope that you might come back from Florida less annoying. A hope that I might not have to explain everything to you people. Like how to cook like a Jew... Second cut of brisket!!! You guys are a congregation of no hope. But we have youth. We have hope. There is a chance. A future of not you. In a way, renewal. Like a new month of no Bernie... Until they reach fifteen, we have a chance with them... Fifteen-year-olds are annoying... It’s a Youth Group Shabbaton. You’re not allowed to go. Not Ethel. Not Bernie. Not Pinchas. Not Fran... Do you think there are any Ethels and Frans in kindergarten?! After fifteen renewal is done... There is not hope. We see it with our kids... And they're slaves to Minecraft. The Craft makes their decisions. They don't anymore... It's called a Youth Group so they don't have to interact with the older people of our congregation, who are heretics... You're going to educate them? You don't even know when Nissan is. You thought is was Nassau... I will give credit to those who renewed their commitment to Yidishkeit by coming to shul. Kol Hakavod for coming out when the weather is not freezing... Of course I wanted people to come. I told the board I don't like when people come. But I do want it. I want you guys to be here for shul... Well, how else are we going to have a Minyin?!... So, you all drove. Great. A bunch of heretics. Kids. This is what nonShomer Shabbat people look like. They're fine getting to shul in their car in the cold. And they're happy. And their clothes are clean... It's cold. Who cares. Have people gotten that much weaker. Slaves to your lack of hitting the gym... I respect these kids who came and didn't listen to their parents. They walked to shul. And now there's a cough going around the shul... The point is, you should still go away for Yeshiva Week. To not be here... Here are places that are not here. You can go to St. Louis. Israel. Venezuela. Iran... The mall doesn't count. Only if the mall is in a different city. Very good question. The idea is to not be here. For you to not be here... You can drive to Venezuela. But during the week. Not on Shabbis. Like Edith... I'm assuming the eighty-seven-year-old did not walk in two-feet of snow... (Shemot 12:14) "This day (the fifteenth of Nissan) will become a day of remembrance for you...” You remember stuff like this. Leavening Egypt. You remember that. Bernice. You're still talking about your grandson's graduation... A day of remembrance. I remember when Michael ran in front of the BIma and tripped. I remember Ruchel’s dumb idea. Many of them. I remember Mark and his renovation of the door that still doesn’t work... It doesn't work. If you need two hands on the handle and a foot braced against the wall to open the door... I remember Yeshiva Week. A blessing. The youth. The hope. We remember them. We remember the 1980s, when we had hope for kids with mullets. '80s mullets. When mullets were innocent... Mullets are better than Sarah biting. The girl is crazy... You celebrate certain things. You remember them. I celebrated when the Pintzkovitz family left for Yeshiva Week. I celebrated... How? I relaxed for a week without having to deal with them... The point is. You renew by remembering... LChadesh means to make it as it was. Better than our shul. Before people on boards made decisions. Remembering gives me hope. A time before I started working here. We have to remember good stuff. Remember a good chuck roast... This isn't a eulogy for chuck roast. It's hope... And how do we remember?! Remember it by guarding it. (Shemot 12:17) "... and you shall guard this day as an everlasting statute." Remember the roast. Guard it. Guard it like your grandmother did. For the guests... Remember leaving Mitzrayim... Why??? “For on this very day I will have brought your hosts out of Egypt.” Again. I have to remind you of everything. Do you not realize we left Mitzrayim? Every week. Every day. I have to remind you... That's why the Siddur brings it up all the time, every day. Because you guys can't remember a thing... Remember how things you used to be cooked. LChadesh like your grandmother did it. It's a Chok. A statute. Because you guys can't remember anything decent. You don't even remember my brilliance last week. The most amazing sermon... We guard these things. These beginnings... Because you guys never finish anything. Something to celebrate. At least you start stuff. Let us remember freedom. Celebrate freedom. Guard freedom. And please. Go on vacation for freedom... What's the difference between years and months? Years are longer... I can't remember. And it's great to have the youth here. Rivka's Rundown I think the years and months thing wasn't what the rabbi was giving the sermon about, in the end. I think half way through it turned into something about our congregation having dementia. Mark thinks that door that can't move is better for security. If nobody can get in, I guess that's a secure thing. You have to pull with two hands. Push against the wall with your foot. And then you have to ask somebody to help. That's how you get into the shul. Oh. And then there's a code. With the whole renewal message, the rabbi also suggested to renew the board. He decided this is a good time for new people. A new start, with people in our shul that are not the congregants. To renew his contract with different people. The rabbi suggested Freida stop cooking and start roasting more. The rabbi actually gave private Parsha cooking classes. He suggested people use more herbs and spits. Full animals on spits and thyme. A lot of thyme and Kugel. Based on the lesson, from what I understand, Moshe Rabbeinu liked Yapchik. When somebody says, "I'll eat over for a BBQ," you know what they're saying. They don't trust your Kashrut. And that's even if you keep Kosher. Yeshiva Week is the rabbi’s favorite week. It’s a week where no kids are in Yeshiva or shul. Except if you have a youth Shabbaton weekend. The fact they had the youth Shabbat messed up the Yeshiva Week idea for the rabbi. It's like we turned into the vacation spot. People were thinking, "Where is the place nobody goes to?! The least desirous destination." And now the rabbi is hoping people will leave. Take a Second Yeshiva Week. I think he proposed a two-week Yeshiva week. Like a Yom Tov Sheini Shel Galuyot kind of thing, where one day turns into two. Here, one week turns into another week of not having to see congregants. The rabbi went off on places for people to visit for Yeshiva Week. The idea was anywhere that is not Topeka. The rabbi gave Bernie a list of places he can move to. He called it "places for a long vacation." The rabbi hopes that sold Bernie on the idea of not having to see him. They cry about the weather. If they have to wear a jacket, it's a crisis. Can't go to shul, might feel a draft. You know the ones that showed aren't Shomer Shabbis. They put on their coats for the half block they have to walk. Edith walked into shul with a windbreaker in subzero weather. I think everybody assumed she didn't make the two and a half mile walk in two feet of snow. Though, she is in good shape for eighty-seven. And she can make it far with her walker. The youth being around our congregation is not a good idea. I don't think it's helping anybody's future. Seeing our elders is what I would call a "bad example." These kids see the older people in our shul and start saying, "If that's what shul does to you, I don't think it's a good idea to be here." "Maybe Gd doesn't answer all prayers." "If getting a decent Kichel at Kiddish is my goal, I think I've given up." Here's what happened at the Shabbaton. The youth came. They showed up to shul. The boys looked at the girls. The boys thought the girls were cute. The boys talked to boys. They left. But the kids are still good kids. That is why these people keep giving birth. They hope a normal one will pop out. One that can see Gd. One that cares. One that will make the Jewish people happey. They’re thinking the Meshiach is coming from this congregation. Tags:
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You’ve started going to Minyin during the week. Be ready. Being an innocent Minyin bystander, you will have to give Tzedakah.
You think you're at Minyin to Daven. No. You're at Minyin to give Tzedakah. That's how they see it. They being the guys walking around during Davening. And it can be daunting to first time Minyin goers who don't know how to hate other Jews yet. You're confused, and I'm here to shed light on a few Minyin spots and how to navigate your giving. Now, let’s go on the journey of Tefillah. The Shul Tzedakah Box The Pushke. Members of the congregation walk around with the cup. You give. That's it. Where does that money go? No idea. The shul already did the renovations. Why Dr. Michel Feinstein, who owns a house in Florida and Israel, as well as three practices, needs to walk around begging people for a dollar is beyond the scope of our educational piece. Yet, one can never have too much money. You can feel good giving to the shul Tzedakah Pushke, knowing somebody might get a raise. And that is charity. If you pay somebody's salary, and they work at a nonprofit, that's Tzedakah. That’s what the people at the Federation told me. Put a Dollar in the Pushke It's tradition to only give a dollar. I once tried giving more and the guy looked at me like I was a heretic. It falls under the commandment of Baal Tosef, don't add onto the Mitzvot. And the members of my shul are very committed to that commandment when it comes to charity. How did it become a Mitzvah to only give a dollar? No idea. I didn't know this was ubiquitous till I was at a Minyin in Florida where the Tzedakah box had "$1" written on it. They knew that's how much people give. And that is tradition. That's a dollar. Nobody has ever given more than a dollar at Minyin. I’ve never seen it. I've seen people use the Pushke for change. Seen a guy put in a twenty and take back twenty singles. That guy wasn’t even there for Minyin. I remember him asking me how much he needed for city parking. I've never seen somebody give more than a dollar. If you didn’t come prepared and all you have is a bigger bill. Break it. Don't be the first fool who gets ripped off and doesn't take change for his five-dollar bill. The Miniyin Tzedakah Guys at Shteibels I question these guys sometimes. Half the Minyin is collecting for something. Like none of them heard of government subsidy scams. These guys are smart. They usually hang out at Shteibel Minyin factories. With constant new Minyin flow, the customers come to you. The Shteibel guys can be shocking. Middle of the Amidah, you're bowing, you look up, and there's a guy you were bowing to, collecting his Tzedakah. Some come around extorting your Tzedakah with the change jingle. Some get you with their Tallis bag Pushke. Some use their hands. Quite dirty if I may say. And Shteibels don’t have sanitizer. They’re too religious for that. The hand jingle method is used to discourage you from taking the change. Take the change. Frum Jews keep Mitzvahs, and that means getting the balance. Worry about your health later. I would question the guys coming around with the credit card machines. Something about credit card machine gives off a not Tzedakah vibe. It feels more like retail. Like they're selling charity, at marked up prices. I like to get a deal on Tzedakah. The Kotel You go to the Kotel. The scariest person. Give to them. The one that’s the most threatening. Give to them. If you are frightened, give. If they pop up behind you, as you're walking to the Wall, that's a legitimate charity. uBacharta BaChaim. Safety comes first when giving charity. The ones who really need the money have nothing to live for. Again. Carry dollars. Dollars. Not Shekels. Poor people want dollars, even in Israel. They need it for their vacation to America. You want to have a lot of dollars when going to the Kotel. There are many scary Tzedakah collectors at the Kotel. They see you give to one, they'll attack you as a group. Dollar bills are a safeguard. The only way to fend off a pack of Shnurers is with dollar bills. You have only one dollar bill, the rest of them will attack you, and you’ll be with nothing to fend them off with. Shekels can also work, if you look like you're not doing too well yourself. Again, always make sure you have enough for all of them. They run in packs. Focus on Davening and Give the Money Anybody can focus on Tefillah. It takes years to master Kavanah, focusing on prayers while a random guy shakes a Tallis bag full of change in your face. It takes time, but you will learn to bow to Gd while handing money to the stranger. They feed off that emotion of you praying to Gd to not die, and they take your money. I am just trying to help prepare you for the beautiful Mitzvah of giving Tzedakah. I’m beginning to think sitting in the women’s section might be a better place to go, if you want good Kavanah time. Maybe just pray in the women’s section. Give the Dollar I can’t reiterate this enough. You're thinking "they'll just move on." No. Have the money. Dollars. Again. Dollars. No matter where you are. Carry dollars. You don't know who will attack. Carry dollars. If you carry bigger bills, you might have to give that. People are like Pushkes. You want to be sure to pull out one-dollar bills. You pull out a twenty, they see it, you have to give it. Now you're stuck eating falafel for dinner again. And always give to the scariest looking one. The most disheveled person. The one who has nothing to live for. They have no qualms breaking your arm. And never pull out the wallet. They will take that too. I'm starting to get the feeling that some of these rogue Tzedakah collectors are Frum felons. If you've learned anything, wherever you Daven, somebody will take your money. You might as well give it. Don’t ask questions. Get the Mitzvah and give the Tzedakah. I hope this has been educational and inspires you to go to Minyin more often. Tags:
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How did the Gishmack Chassidic Minyin experience in Miami Beach end up. Last time we spoke of Streimels and my inability to pronounce them correctly. I sound too American to be Frum. What happened next.
One Guy Welcomed Me One of the kind men came over to say "Vos Machstu." I answered, and he realized he was dealing with somebody that has a disability. He was doing Kiruv. Either that, or he was just a kind man, or he was being nice to a nonJew that was wearing Tefillin. Whatever it was, he disrupted Davening. There were other very nice people too. But they had too much Kavanah to say Hi. Come to think of it, that guy that welcomed me wasn't focusing on Davening. Not a very good Jew. Torah Reading Was Different I didn't understand Layning. I think they were Layning in Yiddish too. It must've been. To understand the Torah reading, I had to use the Hebrew as a translation. They Have Different Zmanim I thought Shkiah was at sundown. It turns out it's forty minutes after that. Chassidim have longer days. Clocks read differently in Yiddish. If you enjoy Shabbis, this is good stuff. You can get an extra few hours of Shabbis just in the morning hours. One of Them Was A Rebbe They were all rabbis. One was a rebbe. I know that now, because he was old. And he had a hunch in his back. Which means he learned a lot of Torah. And they followed him when he walked. That's when you know you're a holy person, when people follow you. I was walking pretty fast to get to Minyin, and I cut in front of somebody walking very slow. That was a mistake. At the time, I was not aware of the Chassidic traffic patterns of Miami Beach. Now I know to walk slow. Just walk at a leisurely pace, behind people. Follow them and you'll be fine. The idea is to stalk the rebbe. The rebbe truly slowed up traffic. There were a good thirty Chassidim behind him, waiting for him to go into the shul, so they could pick up the pace and get home. As the rebbe walked into the shul, one Chassid said, "Now I'm late for work again." Some walk fast. Some walk slow. Some walk behind the rebbe. Some take a car. But they're all Chassidim. Another Yiddish nursery rhyme I bring you. There Were Women There were women there. I didn't see them. They weren’t in shul. There is no way there were no women. Even Uman gets women. After Davening, I realized the women were at the beach. Some of the women were in their swim trunks. Some in their Sheitel. Some were sunbathing. Some adjusting their Tichel. But they were all not at shul. Another Yiddish nursery rhyme. I just came up with that one and translated it as I wrote it. Side note: Chassidic single weekends are not the right place to meet the ladies. They Will Ask for Money People were asking for money. But not on Shabbis. So, you might want to skip Sunday morning Minyin. Save a couple of bucks. It’s hard to choose who to give to. There were twelve guys collecting for something. I don't know what's for what. You see, I'm already talking as a good Chassid. "What's for what." That just sounds Yiddish. And that's my experience as the eleventh man at the Minyin. A beautiful weekend with my Chassidic brethren, and I'm sure there were some sisteren there. Somewhere. They must've been there. At least I came out sounding more Jewish. I give you this rundown so that you can learn from it. And you can act Frum the next time you're going to the beach to check out the ladies. I still have no idea what Chassidic sect they're from. I asked them, but I think they answered me in Yiddish. I didn't understand. I was amazed the rebbe felt it was important that his Chassidim be near South Beach. I didn't expect to see that Minyin right off the beach. Men in bathing suits with a Streimel. B"H, I did not see that. Some sunbathe in Israel. Some sunbath in Florida. Some are name Michel. Some are named Devorah. Another Yiddish nursery rhyme for you. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: VaEra1/18/2026
Announcements
We ask our congregants to calm down with their Shtenders. We cannot have everybody bringing their own Shtenders. The uniformed look of our shul has brought down the value of our sanctuary. We don’t feel it has helped with the renovation process. Stuff is happening this week. There is weekday Davening. Then there will be Shabbis. And Shalishudis. There will be Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. Probably weddings. And Classes Happen. You should show up. The rabbi is now allowing people to post Simcha pictures, as annoying as your family looks. Rule: All pictures must have club style pull up signs. The rabbi does want everybody to know that your social media pictures are still annoying. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How a Shul Can Waste Millions on Renovations and Still Have Every Congregant Show They Disagree with What They Agreed On- A Shtender Protest and A Halachik Look into Community Decisions. Our Shul’s Announcements and How to Make Announcements Like Our Board Who Gives No Details- Vagueness and Why Nobody Shows Up When They Don't Know What Is Happening. Follow-up Class- Dealing with Idiots. How Congregants Can Be More Annoying When You See Their Pictures on Instagram. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... When your snake staff gets eaten by somebody else’s snake staff, you listen. That's a life truth. A credo... Paroh was stubborn like the people of our shul who think it’s important to post their family vacation pics. Being happier than everybody else’s families... Nobody cares about the Simchovitz family Florida trip... (Shemot 7:22) Paroh sees that his necromancers do their thing and also turn water to blood, like Aharon just did. “And Paroh’s heart is made strong and he does not listen to them...” "Them" is Moshe and Ahron. It was not Yanky and Rachel. If Paroh had to listen to our board, Paroh would’ve let our congregants leave. He would’ve thanked H’ for getting rid of our members. When we think we can do stuff, we choose not to see H’. Yes. Many of us can ruin water. I have been to many of our congregants for Shabbat dinner. You can ruin that too... Very bad Kugels. See Gd. That's the message. See Gd and you won't mess up everything in our shul... Nobody wants to see the Simchovitz family vacation in swimsuits. Even necromancers couldn’t create something that horrific. If there was blood in the water at the Bahamas. If we were just so lucky that you couldn’t go into the water on your vacation... That’s what he saw. You see what you want to see. This is why Sadie loves this shul. She can’t see the bad. That’s her shortcoming... How his sorcerers change the water to blood when the water was already changed to blood, I don’t know. That’s what he saw. That’s what he chose to see. I choose to not see the Simchovitz family vacation picture. And that helps me see Gd better. We have to choose to see that we can't do sometimes. That H' is doing... Because when you think you can do stuff, we end up with members. Committees. Bernie and Fran. See stuff for what it is. See H’ in what is. And see how our congregants mess it up. Let’s see the Shtenders. This is the most ununiform congregation. Like Ramot Polin. The ugliest thing I've ever seen... Because I see the Shtenders. Chairs are in their spots, like the renovations called for. But now we have Shtenders everywhere. Different Shtenders. They would’ve never done this in the Temple... Shtenders are great for a Beit Midrash. We’re talking about a shul where people can’t read Rashi. Now with your Shtenders, shul capacity is down from 200 to 80 people... In the Third Beit Hamikdash they will not allow Shtenders... The Kotel is different. You can have Shtenders at an open shul... If you would've had stackable plastic chairs in the sanctuary plans, like the Kotel, Shtenders would make sense... Keter chairs do not cost five hundred dollars apiece. The construction team didn't take into account Yankel's Shtender with the wood and the metal piece. They didn't take into account all of your Bar Mitzvah gifts, Yankel... Why didn't you bring it up at the meeting. "We need a bunch of chairs that cost five hundred dollars each, and Shtenders that come with the chairs for an extra two hundred dollars. And then I'm going to bring my own Shtender..." Shmuli Pinchas didn't bring up his six-foot tall Shtender either... You're the only person who looks up at his Shtender... Nobody can see the Aron over your Shtender. Because of your Shtender, you can't see Gd in this shul... Show up to what? There are no specifics and no times. We saw nothing in the announcements other than "stuff is happening." We want to thank our office for being very not specific with the announcements... I don’t know when Minyin is either. The board is fine with just putting it out there that there’s Minyin... The announcements say "Minyin. They will happen at some point. Probably at another shul." We all see it. We don't need a committee meeting. We need normal announcements that tell you things. Announcements need to tell you where stuff is... When is also important. Very good Chaim... H' doesn't want to see your family pictures. It's like a plague of not happy families... There is no way that teenage girl of yours was happy. She smiled because... That was not a smile. There is no way she was smiling. It was a smile but not a smile... Your family celebrating brings no Simcha to anybody. You look like a bunch of losers. But if you want to post your sideways standing pictures, we will allow it... Your family is heavy. The forty-five-degree angle didn’t help. Nor did the buttoning of the suit jackets. They were portly jackets. Your jackets were fat... Retractable banners make it clear that it’s a Simcha. When we see “Chani and Moishie’s Birthday Bash” we know it’s Asur. Birthdays are not Simchas. Nobody cares about Chani getting older... We have to see things that are godly. Weddings, Bat Mitzvahs, Bar Mitzvahs, Brises, kids leaving for college... We as a community celebrate that. I’m allowing it only if its Simchas. But your pictures on social media are annoying... You choose to see or not to see. I choose to not see the back left of the shul. Can't stand them... (Shemot 7:22) Paroh didn’t listen to Moshe and Aharon “as H’ had spoken.” When you don't see H's work, you don't listen to His word. Everybody in the back left, listen to me... H’ knows the ways of the evil. The "it's my Shtender generation." Might have Shtenders. That's a good creation. But it's not H's way. H's way is sharing. Do you share your Shtender, or is it yours. Is it all about your power?! And Paroh’s heart is made strong. A strong heart is good when you’re a congregant who doesn’t do stupid stuff. A strong heart is good when you need to run a marathon. A strong heart is good for pumping blood... Paroh had a stubborn heart. That was his strong heart. It was hardened. Evil. Like the heart of the Shtender mob... That is evil. Like the board. The hardened heart causes one to not to listen to the sermon. To the words of your rabbi... Don’t let your Bar Mitzvah harden your heart. Even if the pictures are messed up. Find that smile. That godly smile. See H' and show up to Minyin. Whenever that is. No one would know because the board doesn't have the heart to allow us to see the times... If your hearts weren't hardened by the board, you would have not wasted money on chairs. You would've went with Keter plastic chairs. And nobody would've posted the Simchovitz family pictures online. Forcing us to see that... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi and Simchovitz family got in a debate about what is actually smiling. The rabbi contends that if you smile because your parents make you, it's not a smile. "You have to smile from within." The Simchovitzs contend that you can't see a smile from within, "as the mouth is on the face, on the outside." I contend, I don't need to see the Simchovitzs smiling in their bathing suits. The whole Kiddish, the members were discussing the philosophy of smiling. And not one of them smiled. It turns out that our congregants only smile for pictures. It's a quick reflex. They hear "cheese," they smile by accident, realize they smiled, and then stop. I feel like families smiling and posting it is a way to rub their vacations in your face. Their Yeshiva week trips. It's also a chance for annoying people, that think the Simchovitzs have money, to tell them they all look "so good." I don't see it. H' doesn't see it. H' sees the smile within, and how annoying teenagers are, and how the Simchovitzs have to join a gym. The rabbi truly defined the people with the "it's my Shtender generation." Perfectly defines our children. Especially when they get back from Israel. Selfish. Shmuli Pinchas' Shtender is taller than the Bima. It's messed up. He's got this Shtender ego. Carries it around with that Shtender pride. Parading the gold writing on brown and navy-blue book covers. The Shtenders look awful. Everybody brings in their own style of Shtender. We got standing ones. We got the ones that open up from flat to a simple angle. We have the robotic Shtenders with five positions, so people never have to bend. So, they spent two million on the shul renovations, and everybody decided to bring in their own lawn chairs. That’s what it looks like. Announcements never announce Shabbat times. This is why nobody shows up for Minyin when it starts. They never tell us when Rosh Chodesh is. Which isn't the worst thing. You save on Hallel and Musaf. That cuts twenty minutes off Davening. They never announce holiday times. Or even weekday Zmanim. The announcements focus on Sadie’s new hat she bought last week. We don’t even know who’s getting married. Or if there is a Bar Mitzvah. I forgot to wish the Kallah a Mazel Tov last week. Had no idea she got married. I thank them for not announcing it. I saved on that gift. The problem with pregnancies is it's hard to avoid not knowing. The real problem is, our idiot members don't get Jewish calendars. The funeral home doesn't feel our membership is wealthy enough to waste their time on, by giving us calendars to mark our planned deaths in. I think that's why they give the calendars, so you can think about what day you want to die. I hate to say it, we need a calendar committee. The rabbi said no pictures last week. But now he allowed Simcha pictures back into the community. Social media pictures are still annoying. So, you can only gloat and put your Simcha pictures on Instagram or Facebook. You can put them on LinkedIn as well, but you'll probably lose your job for looking like a fool. The rabbi came up with Simcha stipulations for pictures. And this is what the picture committee came up with. Basic rule is that if the whole family is turned sideways, it’s a legitimate Simcha picture and can be taken. Everybody in our shul has been standing sideways now. Some even walk sideways, just in case somebody gets a good inaction shot. It’s a loophole for Mutar social media posting. Now, some are carrying pull up retractable banners. They have pull ups with Caribbean background scenes now. Wherever they go, they have a Caribbean background. They took a picture in the mall, in front of the Apple store, with the Caribbean in the background. They were at the waterpark. Pulled out the banner. Edwin's first baseball game, they pulled out the Caribbean pull up. The sideways standing truly doesn't work. They all look heavier with that side shot of the heavy. And then the suits make it look worse. Portly just makes everybody look fatter. I left that out. The other stipulation is you need to be wearing a suit or an evening gown. That suit made Edwin's first baseball game, at six years old, a bit awkward. They are now known as the Simchovitz pictures. An episode our congregation does not want to remember. The rabbi is right. Those vacation pictures are evil. They're a plague. A plague of horror to those who see it. People didn't show to the classes this week. The topics were way too long. The congregants didn't know if those were the names of the class or if the rabbi was making a statement of anger. They also didn't know when the classes were. The announcements didn't say. Tags:
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I thought I knew about Yiddishkeit. Then I ended up at a Chassidic Minyin in Miami Beach. I need to learn Yiddish. I had no idea what was going on. Here is my experience of being with my Chassidic friends at Miami Beach for the weekend, and some advice, just in case you end up at a Minyin and they count you as the eleventh.
They Definitely Questioned My Being Jewish They were questioning my Jewishness on Friday morning, and they were quite amazed I could read Hebrew. I looked like a Goy, sitting there with my Kippah, Tallis and Tefillin. I think the Minyin counted me as the eleventh guy. And rightfully. I don't know Yiddish. They counted "Hosheea Et Amecha," finished the ten count of "Ad Olam," and then I heard "Nafsheynu." I believe I was Nafsheynu. First time I ever heard that. Learn Yiddish I couldn't understand a word. I know Shacharit. I've been Davening my whole life. By the way, if you want to not sound like an idiot, it's Shacharis. The fact that I asked them if they were doing "Shacharit," rightfully excluded me from the Minyin. They were Davening in Yiddish. There is no other way to explain it. There is no other way I can rationalize me not understanding the word "Barchu." Davening is Different But the Same That Baruch She'Amar caught me off guard. I was already at Ashrei. It turns out they were doing a different form of Ashkenazi Davening, called Sefardi. Sefard Ashkenazi Davening. That's confusing. Sefardic Davening, but Ashkenazik. The one thing that I can tell you is they didn't sound like the guys at the Sefardic Minyin I Daven with in Israel. It sounded more like Sefardic Jews praying in Yiddish. And I've never met the Sefardic Jewish community whose ancestors hail from Medzhybizh. It Takes Longer in Yiddish Davening took longer. I was not ready for this thing they call Kavanah. I was ready to go home fifteen minutes ago. They were somehow in the middle of Shema still. The Shema prayer takes longer in Yiddish. I was not aware of that. Show up late. That's the key. If you show up a half hour late, you'll be out on time. Don't Judge a Jew by his Streimel I was enamored by the Streimels. The whole Shabbis Davening, I was comparing Streimels. Trying to figure out which one costs more. With my intent focus on the Streimels some of the Chassidim thought I had Kavanah. There are different kinds of Streimels. Some are taller, some are shorter, some are wider, some are thinner. But they are all Jews. That's a nursery rhyme I translated from Yiddish. It took me a while to not judge the person based on their Streimel. And I hope that after a while of them realizing that I read Hebrew like an American Apikores, they would see me as a Jew. And I realized, I was wearing an inner Streimel, also known as my Kippah. And I was proud of my Mitnaged roots. By being a Litvak, I saved eight thousand dollars. A Streimel with White Hair One guy's Streimel had some white hairs in it. That was a shocker. I thought all Streimels had brown hair. Nope. After many days of long Davening and paying off the mortgage, Streimels can change color. Another guy's Streimel had thinning hair. My Streimel was bald. That's what I told them when they were trying to figure out if they could start Mincha on Shabbis afternoon. I told them my Streimel lost all its hair. They understood. They saw my Kippah and figured that I must a not easy home life, and my Streimel lost all its hair. And they counted me as the tenth. And some wear them differently. There are those who wear them high. Those who wear them low. Those who wear them off to the side. And some who wear them in the snow. But they are all Jews. Another nursery rhyme I translated from Yiddish. Different Songs They are not singing the Shwekey tunes you're used to for Kedusha. They didn't make a point of trying to fit words into "Im Eshkachech" that don't work. Even so, they sing Jewish songs. I know they were Jewish songs, because they all sounded the same. As such, I became a Chassid quite quickly. And I sang that tune. Whatever that tune was. I didn't know the tune for Shalishudis. But I yawned a lot of Nays. I figured that if I yawned and let out some NayNayNays I would fit right in. I got really into the singing. And then one guy turned to me and said, "That's not Yiddish. That's a Hebrew NayNayNay." That was a lot of Yiddish for one day. Truth is, I'm now questioning if I'm a good Jew, not knowing Yiddish. I have to learn Yiddish before I go back to Miami Beach. Prove myself. Prove my Frumnessiasity. I at least have to end my Jewish words with more s's. We’ll continue next time with more Yiddish. While we try to figure out what Chassidic sect settles on a beach where there are no bungalows. One thing I do know. The Streimels do an excellent job of keeping the sun out. Tags:
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I sat with the Lubavitcher Rebbe. It was a very meaningful and potent interview.
Chabad is a huge movement. Nu. So. What do you think about your Chasidim? They went off the deep end. What do you mean? This Shluchim thing. I sent one of them to Omaha. The guy never came back. Now, he's been in Nebraska for a good thirty-five years. He calls himself a Shaliach. Yes. I sent him. I wanted some good Nebraska steak brought back. He never came back. That's how that all started. What's your favorite song? I never liked “We Want Mashiach Now.” I always liked that one, “Mashiach Mashiach Mashiach.” It was easier to remember those lyrics. I like that one too. And then it goes “Oy Yoy Yoy Yoy Yoy Yoy-yoy” I forgot that part. Where do you want to see the next Shluchim? Somaliland. I always felt bad about Yemen. We still don’t have a Chabad there. What do you think about Farbregens? They've gone too far. I was telling my Chassidim we have to spend more time together. They all started drinking. Now. Every time they get together, they drink. I don't think they remember a word I tell them. They're always Fabregening. How did it start? I told them I like Smirnoff. Truth is I like Smirnoff Ice. They heard Smirnoff. Now half of them are addicted to the stuff. Why is it called a Farbregen? Farbregen was a vodka two hundred years ago in Moldova. Good stuff. Is there a Mitzvah to drink alcohol? No. But I can't tell my Chassidim that. Why? I'll lose them. None of them would come to shul. They'll start going to the clubs. If they can't get their alcohol at shul, they'll end up at the bars. Why do you wear the hat that way, with the front of it bent all the way down? It keeps out the sun better. If you notice it also keeps the bugs from hitting your face. I see. Was the Tefillin thing your idea? No. That was Gd's idea. Who sent out the Shluchim to put Tefillin on everybody? Not me. I told them Tefillin are good. Next thing you know, they're putting it on people at work. The guy is working the counter at Marshalls and they're putting Tefillin on him. Customers are waiting. Do you know how many people have gotten fired for telling their bosses "the Shaliach said I have to put on Tefillin now"?! I tried walking to the Kotel. I was attacked by one of my Chassidim. I had to convince him I was Jewish and put on Tefillin. They've got to stop harassing everybody. They play you on TVs a lot. Yes. I always wanted to be a star. That was the one thing I said. "Make sure I get prime time. I want a good spot." It's always Yiddish. I know. I always talked in Yiddish. I figured, people like subtitles. Where do you rank yourself among the rabbis? You have to ask my Chavrusa. Why the dollar bills? For Tzedakah. I give people money for Tzedakah. So that they can give it to charity. Then why do all of my friends have the dollar you gave them? They needed the money. The dollars also work well in vending machines. Oh. Very true. How do you see the next few years? I hope with better deals on Lulavs and Etrogs. They prices are outrageous. When Mashiach comes you'll be able to get Etrogs on sale. What do you hope for your Chassidim? To calm down. They're coming up with stuff I never said. If they just understood Yiddish, they would know what I said. You didn't say you're Mashiach? What did you say? I'm a Mensch. Menschlich. Be Menschlich. You know, you mumble a bit when you speak Yiddish. That's how you're supposed to speak it. Maybe it came out as Mashiach. I'm not sure. All I know is I meant "Menschlich." You say that fast, it sounds like "Mashiach." Menshlich. I see what you're saying. Next thing I know, they're singing "Mashiach. Mashiach. Mashiach." I love that song. I'm getting into it. And the rest is history. What are your thoughts on Mashiach? If my Chassidim would just calm down, he would be here. They're scaring him away with the Teffilin. They've got to stop attacking people with the Tefillin. They have to be a bit more subtle. I love that Mashiach song. What about "Yechi"? Not as good of a tune. That's how you know I'm not the Messiah. Do you think you did good? Yeah. I would say so. My Chassidim make excellent choolante and potato kugel. I get a lot of Nachis from that. What do you like being called? The Rebbe. Chabad Rebbe. Lubavitcher Rebbe. Rebbe of Lubavitch? Rebbe of Lubavitch. Or Rebbe from Mykolaiv. Those were the best five years of my life. Not one Chassid bothered me with questions. Conclusion That was the Rebbe. I think. It was either the Chabad Rebbe or somebody impersonating him. He was wearing the hat just like the Rebbe. The interview was in Yiddish. I hope I understood what the Rebbe was saying. He might have said something about all the Shluchim moving to Israel. It was in Yiddish, so I can't say. Whatever happened, the Rebbe was a Mensch. He was very sweet. Though, he could’ve used a Tic Tac. I truly have a different view on Chabad now. I'm going to keep the dollar. I had to make the trip to Brooklyn. I need the money. And I'm a collector. ***The interview was done with the help of Shlomo Birkan, who understands Yiddish. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: Shemot1/11/2026
Announcements
We celebrate with our Venezuelan congregants. We pray that you can leave and go back to Venezuela. You haven’t paid dues since you’ve been here. Golf on Sunday of your son’s Bris. That is wrong. Even if it’s nice out. The rabbi has put out a Psak: The first eight days after your child is born, you have to help your wife. Other than that, it is probably best you're not in the house. We ask our Balei Tefilah to Daven faster. Some people have to get to work. It has been reported that the congregants don’t appreciate singing on a Tuesday. Please focus on Davening and not wishing every single person a Yashkoyach. We support greeting people. We don’t feel everybody needs affirmation for being great at walking up for an Aliyah. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How Our Shul Did Nothing for the Venezuelan People in Halacha. How to Raise Children with Abandonment Issues and Very Bad Golfers. Davening Class Will Take Place on Tuesday. How to Talk in Shul and Wish Every Single Person a Congratulations with A Conversation That Bothers People Who Are Trying to Pray- Class Given by the Back Left of The Men's Section. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 3:3) Moshe says, "Let me turn now and see this great spectacle why the bush doesn’t burn?" It was a burning bush. First time you see the burning bush, it's a surprise. You've got to see the spectacle.... A burning bush that doesn't burn is spectacle. It's a burning bush but not burning... You have never seen a burning bush not burn. Stop Bernie... You turn if the burning bush is burning too. You put out the fire. Point is, you turn when you see a bush burning... Moshe turned to it. He recognized it. He gave it time. Later on, Moshe is used to it. He sees all the miracles. But now, he’s not letting it pass... He’s used to seeing seas split. Staff snakes. A Frog in toast is a regular occurrence... (Shemot 3:5) That place of the miracle is holy. Don't let it pass. Turn to it. There is a reason for the spectacles in this world... The miracle places in our life is holy. Celebrate them. When I got away from this shul last Shabbat, I celebrated that place. It was a miracle to not be with you... Gd saw that Moshe looked, and that is when He called to him. If you don’t look. If you don't take note, there will be no holiness. If you don’t see how messed up this shul is, we won’t progress. We will not witness redemption. We will always have committees... What great things have happened?! Nothing. Nothing at any board meeting at this shul. Nothing with the shul renovations. Nothing with our sisterhood. But we still note it all. We take minutes... We've seen some crazy stuff in this shul. But have we given it time?... Not miracles. Spectacles. Talya pulling Allison’s hair. The wrapper on the floor. Still there. Going on three weeks. The renovation committee and the new elephant mural. Life-size?! It's because we don't turn that there is no holiness here. Let’s turn and give time. Let the crazy not be regular... Miracles should remain holy to us. Like when the board doesn’t mess up... We don’t have one Venezuelan congregant. They're Argentinian. It's a miracle that our office staff doesn't understand that there is more than one country in the Southern Hemisphere. If they would turn to a map... I hope I don’t offend anybody by supporting the overtaking of the regime. We support all of our congregants moving to Venezuela. None of you pay your dues... It's amazing how the Argentinians lasted so long without supporting the congregation. Almost as long as our locals, who grew up here, who haven't paid dues for around forty-five years.... We will never witness the miracle of the shul raising money, if people don't turn to dues. It's about turning and facing what is important. What Gd puts there... H' put a family in front of you, Eric. Maybe focus on the family and not golf... What are you going to do with golf? Feel good. Who needs that?!... I understand the weather was nice. You could've seen the nice weather with your baby... H’ didn’t tell Moshe, “You saw the bush burning. That's cool. Want to go for eighteen?” Did you see your son’s Bris?! Did you turn to it?!... I understand. The proper thing was to turn away... Davening is going crazy long. That is just a curse. A curse and a miracle that people still end up coming to shul. Who sings on a Tuesday... Shabbat is different. You're allowed to have sermons too. Do I give sermons on Tuesdays?! No!!! People work. And some play golf. And none pay dues... I can't turn to congregants during the week. I do not want to see them. I see them on Shabbis... Part of the problem is the Yashkoyachs. The most Yashkoyach oriented shul. I've never seen people so focused on Yashkoyachs. The guy did nothing. He walked up to the Bima and walked down. And you're congratulating him. It’s like a miracle he didn’t mess up the Aliyah... He didn't read the Torah. He just said the Bracha... No. He shouldn't be taking credit. He should be coming down from the Bima and apologizing for not putting in any effort. For not going over the Parsha... Greet people. How about welcoming people. You're a depressed bunch. You don’t say Hi to people. I turn to you and I get depressed. That's why I now have my seat facing the ark... But when they come down from walking up to the Bima, it’s like a bro party. You need that communal affirmation. You are the most fragile congregants. Got Mark asking everybody, “Did I pull the string right?!” No, Mark. You didn't. Not the first time. It took you three pulls and there are only two directions. And you still got a Yashkoyach... You turn and you recognize how little these congregants do. And then you give Yashkoyachs on Tuesday... You're a Gabai. You call up people. And then you get a Yashkoyach announcement. The Bal Koreh didn’t even get a Yashkoyach. He reads the Torah and doesn't even get a Yashkoyach. Let alone an announcement Yashkoyach. And this guy gets Mark and Pinchas' names right and he's a champ. It’s pathetic... The Gabai even made mistakes with his Hebrew. The Bal Koreh prepared. You just got up there... I understand, Yashkoyachs... Why did you stroke his ego for reading Hebrew with mistakes. I turn and I see pathetic. And great job playing golf. Well. Yashkoyach. Note it. Wish people a Yashkoyach. Just don’t make it a whole spectacle... It’s an Aliyah. It’s not a burning bush. Calm the Gehenim down... You turn. You bring yourself close to the miracle. You get the calling to mess up the shul... It can only be done with humility. (Shemot 3:19) When Gd tells Moshe to be the one to take the Jews of out Mitzrayim, Moshe says, “Who am I that I should go to Paroh, and that I should take my nation, Bnei Yisrael, out of Mitzrayim...” You’re just trying to get out of helping. Shlomo. You have not helped in years. You didn't even volunteer for shul security... You're in bad enough shape to do it... You first recognize the place is holy. And then, you don’t do anything... Otherwise you mess up the shul. Did Gd tell you to Daven real slow? To keep people from going to work??? Did He tell you to wish everybody a Yashkoyach.? Did Gd tell the board to make any decision?... No. Gd told the board to listen to the rabbi... Don’t take off your shoes. In shul, we don’t take off our shoes. That’s why we have a Torah SheBal Peh. I think Gd said something about getting rid of Maduro... Well, the Venezuelans did. Maybe Venezuela is holy to Venezuelans... That’s a different burning bush. Give the recognition to holiness. But don't belittle that holy place. Don't wish everybody a Yashkoyach. You belittle the Anim Zemirot kid who reads the Tana Dvei Eliyahu stuff in full. Redemption is born in our recognition of Gd. The miracles... That, and you all crying all the time. And you being humble enough to recognize you are not helpful... You have to see your calling, recognize it, and do it with humility. And circumcise your child. And Eric. You're not good at golf... Rivka's Rundown That took a while to educate our congregation on the importance of turning when you see a fire, and not ignoring it. During the week, the rabbi thought it was important to bring in a firefighter to go over fire safety. To quote, "Maybe our very out of shape volunteers will be better at putting out a fire than working security." After Davening and complaining about the length of services, the rabbi made it clear, “It’s a miracle we got out of shul today.” Yitzchak noted, “The rabbi’s sermon was so long.” I don’t think our congregants see anything. There’s been a lollipop wrapper in the middle of the hallway for three weeks. They’ve all passed it. Not one of them has turned to it and picked it up. The rabbi’s message is that you can’t do anything unless you turn. But our congregants are too out of shape to turn. That’s why they can’t do security either. Bernie wouldn’t stop talking about his burning bush. He was convinced he saw a burning bush not burn. It turns out that he has no idea how to get a fire started. Last shul camping trip, he said he got the bonfire started. When we got there, we saw nothing. He said it was a miracle, and that it was a burning bush and it wasn't burning. Now, he thinks he's holy, because he has no survival abilities. Our board and office consider everybody who is not born in Topeka to be South American. That’s it. South American. And if you're South American that means you're from Venezuela, El Salvador, Argentina, Chile, and Mexico. And they think that it's called Chile because, as they said, "The peppers are from South America." And that's our congregational understanding of the map, and dictators. I think people start paying dues at sixty. Before that, Tzedakah doesn't exist. The golf focus is a little much. And then they gave him a Yashkoyach for playing golf. Even at the Bris they're wishing Yashkoyachs. Not Mazel Tovs. I've got Yashkoyach fatigue. You have to help your wife sometimes. That is the rabbi's Psak. Rabbinic declaration. He declared this is the Halacha. The men have to help when there is a huge lifechanging family event, like having a child. They don't have to help more than once a year. He didn't even declare they had to help with holidays. He just figured that if the wife is recovering from bringing a child into the world, the husband should not leave the house for four hours to hang with his buddies. This guy is meditating on a Tuesday?! Took just as long as Monday Davening. No Layning, and we're still there for upwards of forty minutes, on a Tuesday. Who meditates on a Tuesday?! It’s not even hump day, and he’s sleeping on the job. I like the Yashkoyachs. It’s very communal. I wanted to make that clear. I just feel there is proper use. We shouldn't abuse Yashkoyachs. And some do mess up pulling the string. Some try to open the curtains without the string. They pull the curtain straight. That's how you know they’ve never been to shul. And they still get a Yashkoyach. He messed up pulling the string, and people got up, wished a Yashkoyach, and cheered. It was a like a support group for people with shul disabilities. Shul-capable people. Our shul is full of Shul-capable people. Youth group-capable, sisterhood-capable, Gabai-capable, Bal Tefilah-capable. It's a special Davening. It was pathetic last week when the guy got congratulated for doing a great job at calling up people to the Torah. That was kind of weird. The Bal Koreh who prepared for twenty hours gets nothing. This guy that showed up to shul late and calls up a guy to the Torah, the president starts giving Mazel Tovs to. And then, the president, not knowing if he said the right thing, wished him Yashkoyachs. Fact is they've belittled Yashkoyachs. I walked in on Tuesday morning. Not one "good morning." Just Yashkoyachs. Now Yashkoyach means have a good day too. Davening class on Tuesday brought some protests from the normal people who said, "It's Tuesday. Who does a class on Tuesday." Tags:
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The Shulchan Aruch (Orach Chayim 670:1) teaches that it’s permitted to work on Chanukah. Why he had to teach this. Why he had to let everybody know. Some things are better not said. Could’ve got another day off work.
Whoever the fool was that told the boss that Chanukah is not like Yom Kippur is an idiot… After much research, I found out that men originally didn’t work on Chanukah. But then they found out they had to get their kids gifts. They were going broke. They realized they had to go back to work to afford Tonka trucks. And everybody was happy getting the gifts and not having to see dad during Chanukah. Eulogizing and fasting are prohibited. Couldn’t simply said, “And don’t work.” Would it have been that hard?! And this is why men don’t smile on Chanukah. The only people to say that Chanukah is not their favorite holiday.) Known as Nitel Nacht, there’s a tradition to not learn Torah Christmas Eve. The excuses some Chasidim will come up with to get out of learning Torah. Instead of just playing chess, they had to say that Bitul Zman is now a Mitzvah. And now, because of the anti-Semites, it's important we waste time. Which is the generally accepted forbidden action of relaxing. And then you can’t fast. You must eat Chinese food. I’m sure there’s a Mitzvah somewhere to eat moo goo gai pan. (Kohelet 1:2) “Vanity of vanities, saith Kohelet. Vanity of vanities. All is vanity.” Melech Shlomo ran out of words. Very wise. Not a great vocabulary. King Solomon didn’t have access to a thesaurus back then. Would it have been wise to have a created a thesaurus? Probably. Your extravagant use of words is vanity. Due to Tircha DTzibur, a bother to the Kehillah, many shuls don’t wait for the rabbi to finish their prayers before moving into the repetition of the Amidah, and most Jews don’t go to shul. Some congregants are quite annoying. It's a Tircha to see them. Other shuls like to wait for their rabbi to finish the Shema, so they have an excuse for showing up to work half hour late. We hope this wisdom helps you understand why you get mad around Chanukah time, when you're at shul, waiting for the congregants to finish singing MaOz Tzur. Tags:
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Our shul security team.
Due to the physical threat to our people and terrorism, we need the member security teams. And this is why Freida, Bernice and Ethel Finkelman are out there. Protecting our people. Let me just say that the membership security team does not make me feel safe. Every one of them, sitting outside of shul with their walkers.
Our shul security force. I just don't know how much I trust it. Maybe I'm a skeptic. Bernie needs somebody to help him stand. Bernie has a walker with a seat. He can't move without assistance. Freida and Ethel are not scaring the anti-Semites away. I don't know if attackers will be deterred by Ethel Finkelman. Though, she has a very nice smile. She can ask where they are from. Offer them lunch. Freida and Ethel will definitely make the anti-Semite feel comfortable at our shul. And I know they do a fine job of inviting them in for services. To round out the team, we have Sam there for conversation. He's not checking anybody. He's discussing politics and his thoughts on the new addition to the JCC with the others. Sam is truthfully just trying to get out of shul. The only person under seventy-eight on the team is Amanda. She likes to check the bags to see their make. She's very into fashion. She held up one lady at the door for fifteen minutes before she let her in. She had a Louis Vuitton Capucines bag. How did we get here? A committee. A committee had a meeting and made the decision that they should be doing security. Each one of them has a graduate degree in social sciences or medicine. And they are all retired. So, they felt that works for security. Our security team is definitely friendly. They're very into Hachnasat Orchim. And they would definitely not let the Mitzvah of inviting guests pass on a terrorist. Who they would make sure stayed for Kiddish. And that worries me. They're CSF and they're taking it seriously. They have a name. They've acronymized it. They're actually serious about protecting us. CSF. Congregant Security Forces. You've got to acronymize that. Other than rabbis, nobody is scared when they hear "congregant." The only time I'm scared of a congregant at my shul is if I'm sitting in his seat. They will attack you. The CSF members are also hitting the gym. I see them at the Jewish Community Center. They're in the weight room, talking. The most out of shape people. I've never seen such a big group of people who all go to the gym for social reasons. On the treadmills, enjoying a good conversation over a stroll. Sitting on the Cybex machines because the equipment is comfortable. I heard Sam going off, "Bernie. Mendel. You've got to try this one. Excellent cushions." This is when I knew the committee was not the right one to make these decisions. Recently our shul started discussing new seats. I overheard Sam expressing his thoughts on the matter to a possible predator. Many wanted pews. It turns out the shul can't get pews because they don't have armrests. Why does our shul need armrests? Turns out that nobody needs them for their arms. They don't need them for comfort reasons. They needed the armrests because membership wouldn't be able to stand without them. They need to brace themselves on the armrests. Push off with their hands. And that is how they are able to stand. They can't stand without armrests. And these are the people protecting us from attacks. People who can't stand with their legs. I think the last thing I heard Fran say last Shabbat was, "Oy. My back." Thank Gd we had a random guy show up for services last Shabbat. It gave the CSF crew something to do. And they showed how good they are with people. Ethel was asking the guy where he's from. What he does for a living. She made him feel at home. Truly showed interest in the guy and his family. If there was a terrorist, Ethel would be able to give you his lineage. What town in the Middle East he's from. She would know his favorite local restaurant. Truth is, our security should be doing CIA work. With the amount they talk, they will get the information you need. The shul security forces are friendly. And they should be praised for that. I've never felt so comfortable with security. Most of the time security guards are serious, standing there with no smile, taking care of securing the area. Not our security team. They smile. They make you feel welcome. Chas vShalom, they would never make an attacker feel bad. At least they're good at asking questions. I was at my brother's shul in Teaneck. That was the first time anybody there ever asked me anything about myself. If it wasn't for Penina Shaina being on the security team, I would've said they were a very not friendly shul. I think they're great for the shul. As a welcoming crew, CSF would be great. I'm just worried about acute security risks that can't be taken care of with a bit of shmoozing and mingling. The CSF team is so out of shape. I've seen their vacation pictures. Our security staff should never post their Florida pictures in those bathing suits. How they can smile with that much excess body weight, when everybody else who doesn't work security somehow looks decent. And I am not security shaming. I just question how they're going to protect us. If there is a geriatric attacker, we might have a chance. Bernie and Ethel will take them down. They took the security course. They know what they're doing. We are in good hands if we get attacked by a terrorist with a rollator. Any assailant that can walk, we have problems. I hope I didn't expose our security weaknesses. On the positive, Bernie does have an aid with him. She might be able to impede the attacker. It’s a welcoming committee. Our shul finally has a welcoming crew. One that shows interest in you and where you come from. One that asks questions about why you're at shul today. People who are finally curious to know about you and what's in your bag. Members are finally getting the attention they need. And at least people are now showing up to shul. They're not in shul Davening. But they're there. Talking to Sam in the hallway. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: VaYichi1/4/2026
Announcements
We ask all guests to follow our shul Kaddish speed, tone and volume. Your Aveilut scares our members. They’re not used to Chicago mourners, and their loud bully Kaddish. You are passing through for a day. You are not running our shul. We are with you in your mourning. Please be with our mourners in their Kaddish. Please join in our congregation's sadness correctly. The rabbi will not be here this Shabbis. Shul will end earlier. Do not get too excited. Last time members got drunk in celebration. Please relax in your happiness. We ask that you celebrate by leaving shul earlier. To note: We still have Kiddish. And it will be earlier. A lot earlier. Davening goes at a normal speed, an hour and fifteen minutes faster, without our rabbi. The shul New Year’s party will take place on Rosh Hashana. The program committee decided that hanging out with shul members is a New Year’s buzz killer. Last week, Zalmy did the full pre-Anim Zemirot Tefillahs. The first kid to ever read the silent stuff himself. The congregation is proud of you. Please never do that again. We want to get out of shul. Contemporary Halacha Classes: Techniques in Taking Over a Minyin with Your Kaddish- Lessons from Our Guest Last Week. Importance of Long Minyins to Keep Congregants Out. The Blessing of a New Year Not Celebrated with Congregants- A New Year's Party Without Our Members. How To Give Your Kid More TV Time So They Don't Read All the Tefillahs and Slow Down Davening. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... I understand the Gabai is reading the sermon this week. I'm not here... Slow him down. If he reads the sermon like he Davens, nobody will understand a word... You think I know what Yaakov said to them? I don’t understand that. Those words didn’t make it into modern Hebrew. “Sreikah”? No idea. I don’t even understand the English. (Bereishit 49:9) “He binds his foal to a vine, and to a tendril his young donkey. His garment with wine, and with the blood of grapes binds his raiment.” Somehow, that has to do with Yehuda. What’s he doing to his garments with wine? Staining them?!... If “raiment” means clothes, then say it!!! How am I expected to give a sermon about something I can’t understand?! There is stuff we don’t know. But it doesn’t stop us from learning... It stops Moshe and Michael Yaakov, and Shloimi from learning, because they like to waste time. But it doesn’t stop good Jews from learning. And it never stopped our board from doing something dumb... I don’t know if the sons understood what Yaakov said to them at the end. I do know they were questioning if their father was blessing them or cursing them. Were they Brachas or Klalahs? Very confusing... You can't not be there when your father calls you and he is about to pass away and curse you. Might be blessings. He might have blessed them... You all make it hard. You just have to know that Yaakov was not proud of Shimon and Levi. They saved the family, stuck up for their sister, and they got blamed for it their whole life by their father. And I have to pretend like I'm proud of the shul's geriatric crime fighting security force... The only thing you have kept out are members... Yaakov was happier with Yehuda, who sold Yosef... Some is a Bracha in life. Some is not. But you don’t let not understanding what is going to be keep you from doing the right thing. Don't overtake a Kaddish. If you don’t know how the shul does Kaddish, you hold back. You all noticed how the guy took over last week. Random guy passing through, all the sudden, "Where the Gehenim did he come from?"... I'm not saying his family member went to Gehenim. The guy took over. Not a member. Loud as anything. A Kaddish tune I never heard in my life. I think the tune was "loud." It was either "loud" or "I'm the only one whose mourning counts in the US"... First time. Passing through. You follow the Kaddish... You don’t go to another shul and be loud the Kaddish guy. You're Sefardi. We’re an Ashkenazi shul Fatim. We are not switching to Sefardi Kaddishes. You're a guest. Do what we do... You’re a selfish mourner. We want unified mourning... If you look at our congregants, you will notice unified depression... Be in unison with them. Have you heard them? They sound bad as it is. None of them are helping anybody. Even the deceased. It's just that we want to maintain a decorum of depressed people... It's a very depressing Kaddish. I understand Fatim. We're Ashkenazim. Our congregants mourn everything. Including death... They come to our shul for a Minyin and they take over like they're running the place with their Kaddish... That other guy shocked me last week. If you ask members of our shul what scares them the most. It's not public speaking. It's not death. It's a guy from Chicago saying Kaddish... You will be a shul with random scary mourners passing through... I see more of you showed this Shabbis. I still made sure to have a sermon... I understand I'm not at the shul. And I know you are all excited getting out a half hour early. Shema will be back to normal next week. You will wait for me as always. I will also extend my Amidah to make up for lost waiting... You will be a congregation of people who have a very long Shabbat morning Shacharit. Of upwards of two hours and forty-five minutes... Be there for the occasion... You celebrate on Rosh Hashana... Because that's when the New Year starts, Fran. The New Year is called 2026-27. That’s how we count years. It's not 2026. It's 2026-27... It’s not fun partying with shul members. I’ve partied at Bar Mitzvahs with you. You can't even get the middle circle one hand hold kick right... Right now, we are celebrating 2025-26. That is the year. We're in in the middle of it. Your resolutions can wait nine months... You will be a congregation of annoying members who are a bunch of heretics. Your oaths will be in of vain, inopportune times. An annoying membership... The Anim Zemirot kid did all of the post Ein Kelokeinu stuff. First time ever the kid read it all. And that goes to show that our day school is doing a very bad at teaching our children to read Hebrew. That was so slow... It was amazing. I was happy. It only added an extra six minutes to Davening... It's beautiful. You don't understand it, and you make the congregation wait. You will be a people who waits for its children, and its rabbi, to finish Davening... Not knowing what will be, they still show up... (Bereishit 49:1) Yaakov gathers his sons and tells them he is going to tell them “what will happen at the end of days.” That's how you get a crowd. Rashi teaches that he was going to reveal “the End, but the Shechinah was removed from him.” So, he said other stuff. (Pesachim 56a). That's a nice way of saying he forgot. Yaakov had an audience and he had to keep going. He had an attentive crowd. He had to say something. So, he started going off on Shimon and Levi. And now, I am left with congregants who have no idea what’s going on. No idea what will happen. Just really dumb ideas for renovations... Bernie. Stop. You're wrong... We don't always understand. At the end, not everything happens. There was no Kugel at Kiddish last week. But that doesn’t stop us. You go on. Sometimes, we have to improvise, like Yaakov... I want to tell you what is going to happen with the shul this year... Shoot. I forgot... You can forget what you’re going to say, but you go on. In the end. At the end of days, we understand. We can understand about Yehuda’s raiment. That is what Yaakov was saying. Live your lives. Just don’t mess up like our congregants. And if you don’t have a board, things will make sense at the end... The lesson? In the meantime, don’t be idiots. Don’t think that you will ever get out of shul this early again. And where is that Anim Zemirot kid’s parents?! Tell them to educate him right and to stop him reading the whole thing. He should learn how to Daven right and skip some of those Shir Shel Yom prayers... You don't want everybody to hate him like the Chazin. Don't let your inability to understand stuff. Don't let yourself being dumb stop you this year. Don't let not knowing what to do stop you from doing it. It never stopped the board. He is saying. At the end. You have to be you. And I have to deal with that... Enjoy 2026-27. No matter what. Whether you want to be there or not. Whether you understand or you don't. Whether you have tendrils or raiment. Be there. At the end, you have to be there... Be there and do the right thing. I have to tell you guys to do the right thing, or you'll get another chandelier for the sanctuary. Don't be like our congregants who ruin a good New Year's party. Or like our guests who ruin a good Kaddish. Our shul has a good tune. A good pace... The children of this shul do not bring Bracha. Maybe the next generation will be decent... Sometimes there will be a Bracha. A year of Bracha. And Yaakov did give a Bracha. We do know that the Efraim and Menashe got a blessing. He liked his grandkids... Rivka's Rundown "Don't let you not knowing what you're doing stop you"??? Why did the rabbi empower the board like that?! The Gabai got through the sermon in three minutes. He speed read it. It's amazing how everybody paid attention. It’s amazing how our rabbi knows what we're thinking. He can be not here and not even give a sermon, and he's giving a sermon and responding to what we're saying. The rabbi gave a sermon and he had no idea what he was talking about. It didn’t stop Yaakov and it never stops our rabbi. I believe we just saw the rabbi work through an existential crisis. At the beginning of the sermon, the rabbi was having a rabbinical crisis. He was stuck with stuff he didn’t understand. But then he triumphantly turned his inability to understand Torah as a rabbi, into a lesson. That’s what makes our rabbi great. He won't stop his sermon, even if he has no idea what he's talking about. The rabbi blamed the security team for the lower membership numbers this past year. He is starting to blame those guys for everything. Volunteering is truly not worth it. This was the first time our rabbi told off a guest. The whole congregation was relieved. Rachel was so happy. She shouted, "It's not just us. He's mad at all Jews." We have too many selfish mourners. I am going to start standing up to these Kaddish bullies. These guys come and take over. They think every shul is theirs. They’re a member of a shul in Chicago and now they can control Kaddish everywhere. Like all shuls are controlled by Skokie. Skokie people are scary. It's a Chutzpah to come to a shul and take over like that. Selfish mourners. Thinking about their loved ones who passed away. Rabbi wasn't here. Davening only took an hour and forty minutes. Everybody was out a half hour earlier. And that's how Hashkama Minyins start. The people realize things go much faster without a rabbi, and they start to think not having a rabbi is a pretty good idea. Like usual, most of the people showed up at 11am and were shocked to see we were already at Kiddish. Some were even mad. Like it’s a Chutzpah we Daven on time. Davening starts at 9am. They show up at 11am. They get mad when the people who pray don't have to be there for an extra hour waiting for them to show. They want the people who show up on time to feel the pain of serving Gd. So, as Jews, we celebrate New Year's with circle dancing and a very complicated way of saying the years. Celebrating 2025-26. The rabbi makes everything complicated. Even the year. That New Year’s 2026-27 idea is messed up. Let us just say we don't celebrate. I think we can accept that we don’t have cool congregants who want to go out and drink. Some do, but not with other members. Friday night Oneg is the extent of our partying together. Somebody opens a bottle of schnapps and we don't have to pay, that's how we party. The rabbi ended up writing everybody to wish them a Happy 5786. For some reason, I can't remember the years since creation. The two thousand or so years is hard enough. Adding another thirty-seven hundred is too much for me focus on. I can’t remember it. I'll stick with the 2026-27 idea, even if I have to wait another nine months to wish people a good year. The rabbi's message to Zalmy about his Anim Zemirot was a bit confusing. "Go slow, but don't go slow." Supporting Zalmy saying the words to the prayers. That’s too much. Total pain. Almost as bad as a long sermon. We have to sit and watch this?! It's like watching childhood education fail. The rabbi has no problem staying in shul for hours. He’s talking. It’s good times for him. Yet, he did take into account the congregants. I guess he feels that if it's not him talking, the rest of the services should move fast. It turns out, the rabbi is now adding six minutes to his speeches. I think that's why the end of his sermon turned that message around on Zalmy, telling him to go faster. It's like when they raise the price on milk, it never goes back down. The class on Taking over Minyin with Kaddish was interesting. We learned to be loud. It was a kind of shul self-defense class. The rabbi insisted the security team be present at the class, to learn how to protect our shul. In the class, the rabbi made it clear that the security protected nobody from the scary guy from Chicago, mourning. Scariest morning I experienced in this shul. Tags:
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The Jewish Weekly News Commentary that comes out once a year.
Wait. I slept on it, and I came up with more stuff I remembered from this past year. Still nothing positive. Let’s go. More 2025 year in review of the Jew.
There was more antisemitism this past year. More than I mentioned in yesterday’s year in review. To combat this rise in hate crimes, which means crimes against Jews, shuls have set up security teams consisting of congregants sitting at the entrance of the shuls. Security teams consist of eighty-year-olds who can’t stand without assistance. The idea is that if there is an attack, the terrorist can help them up. Seen as a positive thing, many rabbis have reported that now some of their members show up on time. They don’t come in the shul. They hang out outside. But it's on time. Other new programs have started in shuls, thanks to antisemitism. One of them consists of hanging out and watching new Netflix series together, as a congregation, and not Davening. Mamdani became mayor of New York. Some Jews think that’s a good idea. Half of American Jewry now lives in Florida. Discussion of Israel is started. Zionist gets yelled at. Zionist can’t get in a word over the yelling. Point is made. If you yell, then Israel shouldn’t exist. It has been decided by the greater public that knowledge and understanding of a situation are not important in forming an opinion. And that opinion was shared by people who did not know. They had an opinion on that. We celebrated Yom Kippur with only four members of our synagogues wearing masks. It's been five years since I saw their faces. I’ve forgotten how they look. Many congregations reported their members were more attractive with the masks. Greta Thunberg has ties to terrorist groups. Some fool decided to report that. Somebody felt that needed to be proven. Bondi Beach attack is another horrific sight. ISIS flag is found in perpetrator’s car. Australian police can’t figure out if it’s a hate crime. And the prime minister of Australia doesn't think there was an issue there. So many stories of Jewish heroes. Jews around the world pray for the Sydney community. During attack, heroic unarmed Muslim attacks Muslim with gun. Jews celebrate Ahmad Al Ahmad. Something positive. Shocks around the world as it turns out that one Muslim believes it is right to protect innocent people. PA and Hamas say this guy is full of camel dung. In Gaza and the West Bank he is now considered a villain who is going to Jahannam. For those who don’t know, Jahannam is hell. It’s not something that Gazans eat with mashed tomatoes. JD Vance visits Israel and nobody ever wants to see him again. In his only interview he says the West Bank is not part of Israel. Somehow, he gives the '67 borders back to Jordan and rewrites the Bible. My friend’s nephew won the Yeshiva league hockey championship. He won’t make it as an athlete. Historic dawn of a new Middle East is announced by Donald Trump. Trump is not a fan of attacking innocent people, unless if it’s the northern borders of South America. Trump speaks of a “beautiful peace” and gets cursed out by the people who want peace for suggesting such an idea. Jews are not allowed to be fans in Europe. Apparently, it takes too much security for a Jew to like a football team. Jews are not allowed to go to games in Birmingham. As reported, it's because Jews incite violence. How? Because they are Jews. That was something new I learned this year. My Yarmulke incites violence. The police reported a history of violence, in which Jews were attacked by rioters after a football match in Amsterdam. Which means it's the Jews’ fault for being Jewish. They reported that the Jews were involved in clashes, vandalism, and hate crimes, by being attacked. "And there is no place for that in Britain." Why they allowed Maccabi Tel Aviv to play in the Maccabi Tel Aviv match is something that the British public is very mad about. If Birmingham would’ve had our shul security team, everything would’ve been safe. On the other side of the globe, Israeli, Deni Avdija is doing amazing. Leading the Portland Trailblazers, he’s going to be an All-Star this year. And now the Jews are running the NBA, and should be blamed for that. That hasn’t caused antisemitism yet. Though, I heard the Portland Trailblazers are banned from playing in Britain. That was almost positive. "I heard" is a perfectly fine journalistic way of quoting facts, as I heard from Candace Owens. Something positive happened. It will come to me. It’s been three months and we still have no idea what “ceasefire” means. “Genocide” now officially means to protect oneself from people who are trying to kill them. “Colonizers” are now people who live in their ancestral homeland. And "hate crime" means a crime against a Jew. Many countries try to divest Israel from Eurovision. Israel’s Yuval Raphael wins second place to resounding boos. Yuval is glorious. Ireland and Spain do not win Eurovision. I would've boycotted too if there was no talent in my country. And it comes out that Eurovision is run by the Jews. We run that too. Jews are in bomb shelters, being attacked, and they are dancing. The world thinks the Israelis have it good in the bomb shelters. Guy’s apartment is bombed and he decides to play piano in it. The world thinks Israelis get to play music with such beautiful views of the mountains. Gazans get food brought to them in the boatload. The world still thinks they’re starving, thanks to Greta Thunberg who brought them nothing, and ate their food. That corned beef sandwich was meant for a Palestinian. And nobody says anything about the rise in the cost of cottage cheese in Israel. The Kibbitzer Magazine nominates Douglas Murray for prime minister of Israel. Qatargate. Netanyahu’s advisers, among them Jonatan Urich, Yisrael Einhorn, and Eli Feldstein, are employed by Qatar. It turns out that Netanyahu has a few close advisors who are very dumb and did not take money from Qatar. Israeli government personnel do not feel like Israel is paying them enough. Which is why you work for Qatar when the Israeli public votes for you. The prime minister of Australia is still trying to figure out if the Bondi Beach attack was a hate crime. Our Israeli soldiers are heroes. Israel is again a nation of heroes. We will now go through the stories of all of the heroes. We decided that will take too long. (I thought writing that was better than trying to come up with a joke and pissing everybody off.) Turns out half the world is on Qatar’s payroll. And everybody hates Ben Shapiro. Candace Owens said it. Ben Shapiro is not a good friend, because he points it out when you are lying. And that is why Israel killed Charlie Kirk too. That’s all I could remember from this past year. I am sorry if I missed some Jew hatred that happened this year. I didn't mean to leave any of it out. Things are looking up for 2026. There are more reasons to hate Jews. At least we have some stability in our lives. I wanted to mention Israel forming and selling defense weapons systems, but that was too positive. And I don't want to remember the year like that. Tags:
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These love birds at shul, they both had such soft skin. So much Ahava. You get it? Ahava is love. Ahava is a company that sells Dead Sea products like lotions. They had a lot of love and hand cream. Ahava can be used for both. That's how this one works. 
For some reason, I don’t trust the crossing guards. I don’t know what kind of course they took to run traffic... Truthfully, I don’t think they were properly trained in road regulations. I’m afraid that one kid is coming at the other to attack him with the sign.
I have a feeling these third graders are not taking their job seriously. No work ethic. One kid gave up and took off the vest. I’m thinking that your parents should let you cross the street alone, before running crosswalks. 
Click on the picture for tickets to share laughs with David Kilimnick in Jerusalem on Thursday, February 12th
(Shemot 22:4-5) If your animal ruins somebody else’s field or you start a fire, you have to pay. You have to pay for being an idiot that nobody likes. And if you slam your locker at my gym, it’s a Mitzvah to smack you. That's a Psak.
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire written by David Kilimnick and poorly edited by David Kilimnick.
So, blame his pseudonyms.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to share ideas, make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire written by David Kilimnick and poorly edited by David Kilimnick.
So, blame his pseudonyms.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to share ideas, make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
1/28/2026
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