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Anti-Semites- a) One who charges Jews for items or services. Sentence: "So, we’re at the movies. Those anti-Semites are charging $4 for popcorn." b) A cop that gives a Jew a ticket for speeding. c) Anybody who asks a Jew to do any work. We link it back to Egypt. d) Number one reason for Aliyah to Israel. They do a much better job than Nefesh BNefesh and the Jewish Agency of bringing Jews to Israel. See all of Europe for ways to attack Jews.
Appeal Cards- Cards with flaps that people fold over to let the shul know what they intend to give to the synagogue if they ever give anything. If it was a cash donation, the shul would never see a flipped tab. The members still owe dues from the 1980s. Even when these people get honored, they don’t pay their pledges. Yet, they still flip the numbers on the Yom Kippur appeal cards. It is to say, "If I were to ever pay my dues and give money to the memorial chapel, this is how much I would think about giving." Apikores (pl. Apikorsim)- a) Somebody who likes the rabbi. Sentence: "This Apikores enjoys the rabbi’s sermon. He knows from nothing." b) Somebody who knows the Torah and at the same time expresses a sense of happiness. Sentence: "You see her smiling? She's is definitely not keeping the Mitzvos. Apikoreset." Aramaic- A language every Jew should know. Unlike Hebrew. Sentence: "If I would know Aramaic, I would understand this Gemara." Armrest- a) An object that makes a tiny seat that is not meant for a whole person even more uncomfortable. This helps make the shul experience painful. Hence, meant for people who are not Apikorsim. Sentence: "This is more uncomfortable than ELAL. The chair sits half of my tush. This armrest is meant for a quarter arm. And that guy’s prayer book is in the back of my head. I'm feeling discomfort, and thus, penitent." b) Something put between seats in shul, so people will fight. Aron Kodesh- A place to put names of people who have a lot of money, and the Torahs. Sentence: "I think the Aron Kodesh will be more valuable if we can place some dedication plaques on the scrolls." Arts and Crafts- Where kids make Jewish objects, such as a Chanukiyah, a grogger, Jewish origami paper chains for the Sukkah, paper plate hamentashes, and Haggadahs. All of which the parents have to find a way to throw out without their children knowing. Sentence: "I wish this teacher would stop sending the arts and crafts home. She’s got no guts; putting the throwing out of the paper mache on us. Now my kids think I don’t love them… Yes. I do think they’re not talented." ArtScroll- a) Master translators of biblical and rabbinic text, that found a way to eliminate Hebrew for the new learner of Yiddishkeit; making English the language of the Torah. Sentence from Zealous American Bal Tshuva: "And I quote, 'The Tabernacle in the wilderness…' That is exactly how Moshe said it. In English." Alternative Sentence: "Got to be honest. No idea why I went to Yeshiva and tried learning this stuff in Aramaic, with no punctuation. This learning Talmud in English is so much easier. I feel like a Talmid Chacham.: Addition to Alternative Sentence: "Give me the Gemara in English and I'm happy not knowing what it says." b) The Jewish book company that elaborates. Other people translate. Artscroll elaborates. This is how the modern Jew learns. Sentence: "I need a translation that doesn’t translate." Translation of "Rabbi Moshe Feinstein had a good childhood": "Roshei Yeshiva came to Rabbi Feinstein when he was six months old. It was then that he gave his first rabbinic ordinances. He wrote his first book of Responsa on the laws of sharing when he was two year of age." c) The Jewish book publishing house, there for the safety of the frum reader, ensuring that we never have to read a book where a rabbi sinned, or where there is a storyline. Plot of all Biographies: Born a Tzadik in Brooklyn, lived as a Tzadik in Brooklyn, died a Tzadik Brooklyn, and still overcame much spiritual struggle to be a Tzadik in Brooklyn. ***This is an excerpt from the Dictionary of Jewish, written by David Kilimnick. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: VaEra1/26/2025
Announcements
Congregants should not be scared of the terrorist prisoner release. Our shul has dealt with college students for the past few years. We understand ceasefires are a scary thing. But know you’ve already lived through college students. The rabbi says moving to Israel is the right thing to do. To quote our rabbi: “Moving to Israel and selling your house ensures you are not in Topeka. You already haven’t paid your dues.” The Gabai is allowed to give Haftorah to whomever he would like. It is part of the services. Even if you are usually at Kiddish club getting drunk during the Haftorah, it’s still part of the services. The rabbi can give it to you. And you will have to read not under the influence. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Fight Off College Students Without the Help of Tzahal. You Moving to Israel: How to Bring Shalom to Our Shul. Why Leaving Services to Get Drunk Might Not Be the Right Thing to Do. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... We are all affected by our previous actions. Which is why the members of this congregation are so messed up. Previous actions is also the reason we are still having the Walk for Our Elders in the Snow Fundraiser... It’s freezing and last year three of our senior citizens caught pneumonia. But dumb decisions lead to dumb decisions and that is why we have our board... (Shemot 7:3) Gd says, “And I will harden Paroh’s heart.” Everybody is always worried "but Paroh didn't have free will." Nobody cares about the fact he was whipping Jews. He was murdering little babies, but you're worried about Paroh's mental well-being. Paroh needs a safe space to express himself. If that means murdering Jewish babies... Does H’ really harden Paroh’s heart. The commentaries teach that it’s habit. It’s habit that causes us not to change. It’s habit that makes us evil. We get used to something and at that point, our hearts are hardened. And then you have our board... Congregants give up. No need for me to go into detail about how none of our members help the elderly anymore... H’ does that final action. He’s there to aid us in our stupid... You guys go out to drink. You’re used to it. You come to shul to drink. Most come to Daven. You come to drink. Because that's your habit. Your free will that turned into a fixed state of drunkenness... You should participate in the services. The Gabai gave Yonatan the Haftorah so he could participate... First time you didn’t get drunk at services since your Bar Mitzvah... That’s what Haftorahs do. They keep you from the Kiddish Club and sober for Musaf... First time you've read Haftorah not under the influence, and you still made mistakes... Your family was definitely drinking at your Bar Mitzvah. Having to listen to you reading up there. Let's talk about the Kiddish Club for a second. The club with all the hardened hearts of the fools.... That's what alcohol does. It brings out the fools. What kind of club is it? What's the goal of the club? To get you drunk for Musaf. The Freemasons are looking to build a better future. The Kiddish Club is there to get out of prayers and come back in a way that lets your kids down... Yonatan. Your children are going to show up to shul and have flashbacks to Musaf with drunk dad puking on them. You're the only club that makes it a point to not help. Even the sisterhood does more than you. The point of the club is to get out of Davening... That’s the right of the Levis and Cohens. They can leave services to wash hands... I know some of them don’t come back. But at least they leave for the right reasons... Our congregants leaving is a good thing. Which is why you should move to Israel. All Kiddish Club members should move to Israel. Moving to Israel is the right thing. Yishuv HaAretz... Yishuv HaAretz has nothing to do with a huge hotel breakfast... When you move there, you can’t afford the huge breakfast. Unless at the Dead Sea. It's cheaper there for some reason. The huge breakfast is for tourists. They call it the Israeli breakfast, because tourists who visit Israelis can afford it. You should move to Israel... Jobs?! H’ provides in Israel... H' hardens the hearts of the Kiddish Club and provides in Israel. What do you do here that’s helpful... You make money, but you’re not helpful. It’s safe in Israel. I’m sending you to the Jewish homeland. With terrorists right there... Well. We have college students here. Being scared is a habit. No matter what the habit, you get stuck there. It's a habit and your heart is stuck. If it's drinking, killing people, or not moving from Topeka. You're scared, because you're stuck... You even wrote to Bibi to send soldiers to our shul to help fight off students. Some of these college campuses are full of terrorists... Students. Terrorists. Activists. It’s hard to tell the difference sometimes. At least you can see the face of the terrorists... I’m not scared to move to Israel. I’ve had to deal with the congregants already... Your heart has been hardened to Aliyah. To moving to Israel... Moshe had a hard time and was scared. He didn’t know how to lead. How to speak up. Kind of like the president of our shul. But he was self-aware... Maybe he didn’t have a Jewish day school education. Egyptian public schools do not make orators. Again. Moshe expresses his worry and tells H’ (Shemot 6:30) “I have sealed lips, so how will Paroh obey me.” If you can't talk, who will listen?... I know you don't listen to my Dvar Torahs, Bernie. I get it... His lips were hardened. Again, habit. A habit that wouldn't be a bad thing if Bernie adopted it. How do we get out of this rut? How do we change our habits of being a congregant and drunk? How does one not be scared anymore? How do unharden the heart of the board? How do congregants move to Israel? (Shemot 7:1) H’ tells Moshe, “See. I have made you a master to Paroh, and Aharon, your brother. will be your spokesman...” The Kiddish Club just can't stop talking. That's not a help. H' is telling Moshe that the way to get out of this habit is to know that there are others to help. There is Aharon there to help him change his habit. His worry. His fear. And I have a fear that old people walking in the frozen snow is not healthy... We have to depend on others sometimes. His brother. Right there. Right in front of him. That is the one who is there to help. And Moshe couldn't see that. The same way the board can't see that the programming in this shul is messed up, and that the shul would be better if most of the congregants moved to Israel... With the help of his brother, he was able to be a master. Once he looked outside of himself, he was able to have belief. When I look outside of this congregations, the world is beautiful... In order to deal with our demons. Our habits of destruction, we have to just look outside ourselves for that help. Then maybe you will leave this shul and move to Israel. And stop your habits of Davening drunk. If Paroh would've just seen outside his desire for power and hatred of Jews... Why are you still worried about Paroh not having free choice. Maybe we can work together and stop the habit of killing babies... May all the hostages and their families be comforted, and have strength and Bracha... You say you need to drink. Don’t look to Merv for help. His jokes will have you wanting to drink more. Look to Sadie. The only decent one in this shul. She will help our people. She'll stop you from talking... If the congregation just didn't talk... Rivka's Rundown The elderly winter walk is not smart. To quote the rabbi, "Almost as dumb as our shul's president." Should've done that program in the summer, when our seniors can go outside without thirty layers. For the walk last year, there was a heater truck moving really slowly in front of the walk for elders. The truck turned all the snow on the sidewalk into slush. It ripped up the city park's grass. And everybody came out of it feeling sicker, due to wet feet turned frostbitten. Why the seniors had to do the walk for elder's health in minus five-degree weather still has me questioning. The rabbi likened the worry for Paroh to the whole Gaza thing. How these people are trying to kill us, and everybody is worried about their living situation. Got to worry about the terrorists and how they were "raised to hate Jews. It's not their fault." I’m worried for our brethren. How about they don't try to kill us. I think that's an idea. Some congregants came to the rabbi and said, "Well, Hamas and the Gazans. Gd hardened their heart. It's not their fault." The rabbi told them, "You're fools." I believe that was his simple response. What the rabbi was teaching is that evil is built up until all of their choices are evil. Or to be more exact, and all of their choices are "we hate Jews. Like the president of our shul." I still think he's looking for a raise. Fact is that they’re everywhere. I’ve never been so scared of a ceasefire. It seems that ceasefire means terrorists our on the streets. It always seems like there's more danger when we put down our weapons. The fact we survived college students is very empowering. The rabbi wrote a letter regarding the ceasefire. Very uninspiring. He said nothing. He just wrote, “It should be for Bracha.” Absolutely nothing. And nobody was mad, or comforted. He says "Bracha" and everybody loves him. You can be deathly ill and he'll say, "It should be for Bracha." It sounds good. Almost as good as saying "Mazel Tov." Maybe he should've wrote, "Mazel Tov." That would've been a good response to the release of terrorists. A celebratory reaction. The move to Israel didn't happen. Once they realized the jobs don't pay as much, they decided it wasn't a Jewish value or Mitzvah to go to Israel. "Hearts hardened to moving to Israel." Brilliant. The rabbi likened the congregants to Paroh. Love it. Why the rabbi hasn't moved to Israel is still a question. He brings up moving all the time, and he hates the shul. The rabbi just wanted to get rid of the congregants. They could’ve moved to Costa Rica. Anywhere outside of America. That was a huge dis. That line about the sisterhood doing more than the Kiddish Club. That stings. There is a line you don't cross, and that is telling somebody that the sisterhood does more than them. The Gabai gave Yonatan the Haftorah. A dirty trick. Kept him in shul for the Haftorah. Sneaky and mean. The guy missed the Kiddish Club. He went through all of Musaf without a buzz. I've never seen somebody shake so much during the Musaf Amidah. I think Yonatan was going through withdrawal during the prayer. Reading the Haftorah is not easy. It's like a test for these guys. It brings back harsh memories of being in middle school and having to read in front of the class. The why leaving shul to get drunk might not be the right thing class was not understood. There were many questions asked to the rabbi, in the form of "I don't understand." The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Many Poskim consider snowball making Asur on Shabbis for reasons of building or crushing. And injury that will happen to you if you hit me with one on Shabbis... A lot of anger goes into the formation of Halacha. This is how the modern Posek renders Jewish law. That’s how I learned it.
Some say that even on minor fast days, a Baal Nefesh should start the fast the night before. Those rabbis lost their jobs. Yad Soledet Bo is anywhere from 110 to 180 degrees Fahrenheit. How they found out what burns the hand at 180 degrees... And people say religious Jews aren’t brave. (Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 1:1) When you wake up, the first thing you should do is place Gd in front of you. You’ll act differently when you place the King of all kings in front of you. If you were doing this right, you'd be sleeping in a suit. Possibly a cloak Maybe a tunic, out of respect. But you're a heretic… This law is not meant for idolaters. Placing little Ken and Barbie dolls in front of your bed defeats the purpose here and it's awkward, even if they are expensive. Even placing a bunch of moisturizers or shoes in front of you, when you wake up, is wrong. The only thing that makes sense is to place Gd in front of you. Anything else, and there's a good chance you'll trip. You might even hurt your feet, especially if you place Lego in front of you. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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How to Calm Down a Terrorist1/22/2025
Many people are scared about the release of the terrorists, asking me, "David. What do we do?" You live.
Before getting into this article, May all of the hostages come home safely. Our prayers continue to go out to them and their families. The nightmare they have gone through is unforgivable. And to know these bloodthirsty terrorists have been put back out there is bothersome. The question still stands. "What do we do?" I can tell you, do not be scared. Israelis have dealt with terror forever. And Americans have had to deal with college students. With so many terrorists out there, we have to discuss what to do when confronted with a terrorist. First, say "Shalom." Greet them. This is going to be dark, but here is some advice for how to calm them down. Show Them Support As we all know, killing terrorists is wrong. You want to empathize with them. Talk it out. See their perspective. Support groups are good. Anything where they are thinking killing themselves is not the right thing today. One day at a time. Start a terror support group if that helps. Get them talking about how their parents never believed in them enough. How their parents didn't think they had the ability to blow themselves up. Sometimes, what parents say can hurt. Get them to open up about the day they lived. Terrorists need a safe space to let out their emotions. Their hurt. Empathize. Maybe give them some warm clothes. A decent coat. Some hot Sabich. It seems to get quite cold in Gaza. This is why they're always wearing ski masks. They never have coats. Empathize a bit. I know Hamas waits for The North Face to have a decent sale before outfitting the Gazans. Give them the coat when they need it. If they are the suicide type, ask them why they want to take others and not just themselves. Educate Them Take the positive approach. Let them know they don't have to blow themselves up to be successful and to receive the adulation of others. Pull them aside for a deep conversation about how you were once down and out when your parents didn't send you enough money to go out drinking in the Shuk when you first made Aliyah. We all go through hard times. Teach them a new trade. Maybe finance. Get them into investments. Get them involved in a trade where they'll only want to kill themselves if they find out the stock market crashed. Give them hope. Instruments are good. Teach them to play the ukulele. Ukuleles don't kill people. There is no reason to blow yourself up when you can play beautiful songs like “Over the Rainbow.” And there is no reason to blow up a ukulele, unless if you find yourself at an open mic, or trying to enjoy a series. Acting is an excellent profession. They're excellent at acting. They've mastered the playing dead. Some of them have already died four or five times. And they pull it, each time. Redirect Their Anger Sports is good for this. Redirect their anger to soccer. Soccer fans yell a lot too. They can find hatred for other people that aren't Jewish, known as fans of the other team. They can feel the same comradery as they do with their fellow terrorists, as they root for their team by jumping up and down and attacking the other fans. If all else fails, let them know there are other Jews. [That might have been too dark. I apologize for that. Too soon. Three-thousand years is too soon. It's just crazy knowing there are so many terrorists and anti-Semites out there. Even if it's not funny, you will always be able to say this piece is gutsy.] Lock Your Doors Terrorists like blowing stuff up. They're not good at picking locks. If your door is locked, it'll take them a while to figure out how to get in. They may knock. Don’t answer. If you answer, they’ll make their way into the house. This is also why I don’t answer the door when my in-laws visit. [There is always room for a mother-in-law joke. Especially when you're not married and talking about terrorism.] Sing with Them Singing brings people together. “Am Yisrael Chai” is a beautiful song. “Over the Rainbow” would be good times too. Pull out the guitar, the bongo and the ukulele. Stay away from the bonfire. Just sing in a circle. Keep it a circle. You can always sing the Jihad ABCs with the male Miss Lyle. That will bring back childhood memories about how the Jews are the devil and they should be killed. Childhood memories always warm the heart. Educate Them on Israel Their education is off. They think Israel doesn’t exist. And yet their charter says to kill everybody in Israel. [Some jokes don’t land. Maybe this isn't the right topic to try to be funny about.] Teach them about Israel. Take them on one of those educational seminars where they tell you about water levels. Then, they'll only want to kill the presenter. Show them how expensive apartments are in Jerusalem and they might change that “Free Palestine” tone to just getting a better deal on housing. Saving some money would be good enough. [Working the Free Palestine pun. Giving it a different angle for you. People are always looking for new angles on the Free Palestine pun.] Less Rage Their full of rage. Terrorists are very rageful. They love rage. Days of rage. Mobs of rage. Rage against the machine. If you can just calm them down. If you can just derage them, you'll be OK. Give them credit for creating falafel and chumus. That will calm them down. That's why they're so outraged all the time, yelling, trying to kill Jews. That's why Arafat created this whole hoax. He just wanted credit for Chumus Abu Ammar. People take their chumus seriously. Teach Them About Other Places Maybe if they saw other places, like Europe, they might want to move there and blow stuff up. Other Ways to Protect Yourself When you’re online in the supermarket let them cut. They will get violent. Look both ways when crossing the street. Look both ways when on a sidewalk. Just look both ways. Always look both ways. And pray. Pray for the Israeli Army. Pray for the hostages. Pray for their families. Pray for the Jewish people. Pray to Gd that the government doesn't do more dumb stuff. Pray for peace. Pray to Gd that we rid the world of terrorists. Jews of the Diaspora, be strong. Know you can take out the terrorists. You've already dealt with college students. [What kind of idiot uses terror to make jokes!] The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Shemot1/19/2025
Announcements
If anybody would like to volunteer at the dairy farm in our shul’s parking lot, that is appreciated. The rabbi said his position is better spent teaching Gemara classes than milking cows. Though, he wants to make it clear that he appreciates cattle more than the membership. Everybody in the shul has a cold. So, no complaining if somebody got you sick, even if they’re not wearing a mask. To quote the rabbi: "The mask does not keep the congregants from talking." This Purim, we ask that people wear masks that cover the eyes as well as the mouth. We would like to not see your full face. We will not be providing protein shakes at Kiddish. The rabbi says they are not Jewish and thus forbidden from shul events. To quote the rabbi: “Jews don’t shake drinks. Jews stir.” Contemporary Halacha Classes: Farming to Keep in Shape: An Idea that Won’t Get People to Volunteer. Wearing a Mask that Keeps People Safe from Hearing You Talk. How to Drink Alcohol with Protein in It, As a Jew: Something Called Schnapps. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 2:12) Upon seeing an Egyptian hitting a Jew, Moshe “turned this way and that way and saw there was no man. So he struck the Egyptian and hid him in the sand”... Before killing somebody, you definitely want to check. Unlike Tim, who goes right up to the video camera like he's performing for surveillance... Discreet. Very discreet Tim. You weren't at Minyin, we all know. The camera caught you... No man. Means no action. Like our shul. Nobody helps with Kiddish. Nobody helps with Minyin. Nobody keeps the little ones from crawling around my feet in the middle of services. He noticed that nobody was willing to take a stand. What’s a man?... Very good. None of the people sitting in the back left of the shul... (Shemot 2:13-14) Two Jews are fighting, and Moshe said to the “wicked one, ‘Why would you hit your fellow?’” He thus replies, “Who appointed you the chief and judge over us? Are you going to kill us, like you killed the Egyptian?”... I'm the rabbi. That's why I give sermons, Bernie. When there is no man amongst your people, it leads to moral decay and false blame. It leads to board meetings. When weak people spread the word about something, you must run. Which is why nobody showed up to the Secret Hannukah Harry Event... It's too similar to Secret Santa. No identity. Weak. Our board makes weak committees of people that want to kill Jews... If they were men, they would’ve went with Moshe and they would’ve been freed. They would’ve stood up to the real enemy. Egypt, or the board. Not to Moshe, who was protecting them... They were slaves. They were weak. Weak people justify. They throw blame. Moshe knew he had to run from that. As I should run from this shul... Our shul has no men... Why I haven’t run is the question. No men. No action here. And then you blame when something is right. Unmanly men... What is a manly man?! Not Simcha. Well. There is a reason for the farm. Work. Men work. They give of themselves. You don’t volunteer... Exactly. If you want a parking spot, you have to volunteer to move a cow. And so much hatred, due to this lack of manhood in our community. So much non-mask hatred. Sinat Mask. If your mask stopped you from talking, I would be in total support of it. I would agree that not wearing you mask causes hatred... Stop complaining about the no-masks making you sick. You come to shul, expect to get sick. Every time I see the members of our shul, I get sick... You get your protein from choolante... Choolante has protein. A lot of fat, a lot of carbohydrates and protein. The way Nachum doesn’t share the meat, he’s getting protein out of the choolante. That's a manly thing to do... Manly men don't share choolante. When it comes to choolante, justice is different... Protein shakes are Asur. Religious Jews get their protein from fat... If it was schnapps with protein there might be a reason for Jews to drink it. In Midian, Moshe has a child. (Shemot 2:22) Moshe calls his child Gershom, saying, “I was a stranger in a foreign land.” He was a wanderer, but he found a wife and he had a family. So, he called his kid "Foreign land." At home we call our kid "We want to leave this community." Moshe was a man because he realized he was in a foreign land. He was honest. And I can't stand the men in the back left of the shul... Once you realize you're a foreigner, a stranger in a strange land, you can approach it. You can deal with it. You can be strong. Your morality is not based on the influence of congregants. You understand that you're dealing with a board of heretics. You understand that nobody is going to help you, especially membership. You can finally accept that these people consider themselves Jews, even if they think that you need more protein than choolante provides... The Jews did not see that they were different. They didn't have that identity of empowerment. They saw themselves as abused. Once they started crying, Gd remembers their difference. He remembers His covenant, His Brit with Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov (Shemot 2:23-24)... It's at that moment that H' rescues them. The people of strength, who accepted their difference. Men of action who stood up for morality. Unlike the board, who doesn't even volunteer... I would appreciate it if the board stops quoting me in the announcements and blaming me for everything nasty they say. Be men, be strong, and take the blame. The board should quote the rabbi as saying, "He wants the board to run from the shul." Rivka's Rundown Good call on not a man. The congregants do nothing. There wasn’t even a man to help build the shul’s Sukkah this year. They had to hire a handyman. “Man” is in the name of the guy we had to hire. There's no such thing as a handycongregant. Nobody would hire that. “Not Simcha.” The rabbi is so true and concise with his brilliance. The rabbi truly lives by his word. He said everybody should be a farmer. Now he has shul shifts for the parking lot dairy farm. It’s amazing how our congregants are more interested in the dairy farm than visiting the sick. A shul food kitchen for the poor would never happen. They would rather milk a cow than feed dairy to the needy. Inviting those people for Pesach is too much already. The rabbi was able to get around angry congregants who said it was rude for him to say that he likes cattle more than them, by saying, "I love animals." You can get away with anything if it's for the animals. The rabbi even got rid of some congregants saying, "There's more of a chance that a bull will pay dues than the Finkelmans." They still make such a big deal about the mask. They don’t stay home. They go out and wear the mask in protest of healthy people. It was messed up when Purim a few years back everybody showed up to shul in masks that only covered the mouth. My kids are still in shock from the experience. They sometimes have flashbacks to having to see the rest of the members' faces. The rabbi ordained protein shakes are forbidden. Other things the rabbi forbade were going to a gym with people who are in shape. He said, "If they're in shape, they're not eating the right protein." He also forbade meetings. He called those "a waste of time, Bitul Zman, especially when the president of the board is there." Milking cows and then not washing your hands before praying was on the Asur list as well. Masks must be worn over the mouth that stop members from talking was ordained. And the rabbi did say that there are times where you can't kill people and bury them in the sand, even if they're on the board. 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Rambam: Yesodei HaTorah 2:11-121/17/2025
Laws 11-12: You will never get it.
This stuff of mysticism and understanding H’ and what happens after death should only be taught to one person. This is known as the Doings of the Chariot (Ma'aseh Merkavah in Yechezkel). Right there. I think that's all you need to know. What the Ma'aseh Merkavah is, is not relevant. The extent of your knowledge is knowing that there is something called the Ma'aseh Merkavah. We can now move on. The person you teach this secret deep stuff to has to be a wise person. And you share very little with him at first. You start with little secrets like, "I'm going on a trip to Florida." Test them, before the real secrets, like how you're telling the boss that your sick. You don't want to share this stuff with tattletales. We all know what problems happen when you start getting too mystical in public. People start believing and those people are weird. I've never met a crazy person who didn’t like mysticism. It's a good thing that somebody has to have some knowledge first. It helps stop homelessness. If it wasn't for this fence of only teaching it to one person who's wise, too many people would be "connecting with Gd." We would have a lot more people closing their eyes during Davening. The rabbis were trying to limit the number of people with eye closing Kavanah (intent) in shul. Davening would take way too long. They're deep concepts and not everybody has the knowledge to comprehend them. Which means, not you. You have no idea what you're reading right now. Shlomo Hamelech describes this knowledge as (Mishlei 27:26) "Lambs for your clothing." Lambs also means secrets. Such as secrets that are only for certain people. Not you. Just wanted you to know you're getting left out. In Mishlei 5:17, Shlomo HaMelech teaches, "They shall be for you and not for others with you." Shlomo could've just said this one and left out the one from chapter twenty-seven, but everybody understands this one. Hence, he had to use the metaphor of the lamb, so that you wouldn't understand that you can't understand it either. Shir Hashirim teaches (4:11) "Like milk and honey under your tongue." I have no idea what that means either. Which is the way it should be. Hopefully, next chapter will be something we can understand, and teach. I am sorry we taught you this. You shouldn't be learning what you were just taught. We appreciate the Rambam starting Mishna Torah with two chapters of stuff we are too dumb to get. Now I know it's not just my teachers that thought I was an idiot. If they thought I was smart, they would've taught me Ma'aseh Merkavah in third grade. Instead, they were trying real hard to get me to multiply with Popsicle sticks, and to read Rashi script correctly. They knew I was an idiot, and I would never understand what lambs clothing really means. I always thought it meant wool. Not a smart one. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The true story of why I became a Baal Teshuva, a repentant. Here is how it all began. Money. That's it. Lost the money.
Gambling is an issue. And I have it. I had it. I caught it. I got it. Every day, I fight it. I am broke. I'm good person and I am broke. It's hard for me to open up about this. Thus, I'll need to go into a lot of detail. Which means I messed up. Anytime somebody goes into detail, they messed up. Stories where they make no mistakes are real quick. You've got to keep it quick, to stop before the messed-up part. Any story that lasts more than two pages, you see messed up. My whole story is messed up. So, I will share it in a long series of pieces. I don't know if gambling is Asur, forbidden. I do know that stealing in order to gamble is Asur. Murder in order to gamble is Asur. Stoning people in order to gamble is also forbidden. Before going into this, you should know there are so many good Jews that have been affected by this disease of addiction. You may not see them at shul, because they can't pay dues. They're also broke. Dues and then you get called up to the Torah and you think that's it. You finish with the Torah Brachas and they give you an envelope with the shul address on it. And in the envelope there's no free play. How It Stated I wasn't religious, which meant I had a lot of free time to ruin my life. I was bored. I'm not going to lie. Living in Oshawa, Ontario, boredom is an activity. Which is why many people from Oshawa end up learning Torah. The lack of other stuff to do. Other activities in Oshawa consist of sitting in your house during the winter and trying to keep warm while freezing. Hence, people in Oshawa love casinos and survival shows. I was going through hard times, so I went to the casino. The casino is where you go when times are hard, so you can see other people going through hard times that aren't drunk. At the casino, people share their problems coherently. I just got dumped by the love of my life, Shaindel Chana. The way she made Kugel, with the spinach inside. And then her Tzimis, how is one not to fall in love. I can tell you, dumping me was Asur. I told her that the rabbis would forbid her from dumping me. That was the first religious Jewish decision I ever made on someone else's behalf. I think that helped my future decision to become a rabbi. I found myself at the casino. I was hurt. I needed to escape, and I figured the best way to do that is to lose all my money. When you're in Oshawa and the most exciting thing you can do is bowling with a ball too small to bowl with, escaping the hurt is hard. Bowling with a softball is not optimal for getting out hurt. And I got kicked out for throwing the ball overhand. Thinking it was a softball, I threw it at somebody. That helped ease my hurt a bit. My Problems Were Gone at the Casino I lost all my money. That took around eight minutes. Once I lost all my money, I stopped thinking about my other problems. I was broke. Once you lose five-thousand-dollars that first week, you're not thinking about the love of your life anymore. You're thinking how you will be able to afford a date. All I had to do was lose all of my money, and all issues in my life were gone. I was spending two-hundred dollars on therapy sessions, and I still had hurt and pain. I would come out of therapy thinking how Shaindel Chana broke my heart. If they would've charged two-thousand a session, I would've forgotten about Shaindel Chana, and I wouldn't have money to gamble. Some therapists don't know how to help. It's A Mitzvah I figured, it's a Mitzvah to visit the elderly, so I went to the casino. I thought I was showing respect to my elders by going to the casino. It's a Mitzvah to show respect to your elders. I figured I was running into more seniors at the casino than at the nursing home I was visiting. So, I decided I should spend more time at the casino. And I stopped going to the nursing home. I was losing money, so I kept on playing. And that is how gambling got me. A good young man. A kind young man who cares for his elders. A young man who loves other people. A young man who is now broke. Lessons from the Beginning I will do anything to justify my gambling addiction and why it's a good idea. I even found a way to turn losing all of my savings into something positive. I found a way to stop visiting the nursing home, so that I could do acts of loving kindness for our elders. I found a way to turn turn losing all my money into therapy. And it's all Shaindel Chana's fault. Gambling makes me weak. I don't know if going to the casino is forbidden. I do know that dumping me is. I also know that once I start doing something I will find a way to justify how it helps people. I gave up drinking. But I should note that drinking alcohol helps me be more friendly. I never once drank for myself. I drank to bring joy to others. I'm a giver. Losing money turned into my therapy. And then I had more problems. Hurt and escape is how it starts. Then starts what they call "chasing your losses," or what I call "losing everything you ever had and your family." I have no idea if gambling was fun or something I had to do. It was definitely my obsession. At that time, I wouldn't have traded it for anything in the world. Not even Shaindel Chana's Lokshen Spinach Kugel. Wait. I also lost my grandma who was living in our house. A woman I looked up to and was very close with. I forgot about that. That was real pain. She made a better Lokshen Kugel than Shaindel Chana. It was even more painful to see how everybody dealt with her once she got sick. I was bothered by how shallow people could be, especially about money. Once she had dementia and couldn't change her will, family stopped visiting. That definitely had a lot to do with why I was numb to losing all that cash. I stuck around, and was there for grandma. I did whatever I could to get the inheritance. And all of my other issues were gone. I didn't have enough money to worry about anything else. And that helped for a while. Until I realized I had no money. That took a few hours. Now I was thinking, "I need another job." I want everybody to know that no matter how much an addiction takes hold of you, you're worth it. You need to hear this. Your life is worth it. Probably not very much right now. You lost your money. But it’s worth it. Keep strong. You may not get the inheritance. I got nothing. Which has people asking why I spent time with grandma. To quote, "Was it worth the gamble?!" If I went into detail into that story, it would continue, "It's all about money." The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: VaYechi1/12/2025
Announcements
We are going to celebrate Michael’s first birthday. His parents gave us nothing for his Bris, other than bagels and butter. For his first birthday, as it is not a Jewish event and thus a Heimishtein Simcha, they will serve pizza, ice cream, salmon, lox, bagels. A full bar of schnapps will also be had. The fast is over Friday evening with Shabbat. If you made it till Shabbat, you don’t have to worry anymore about not eating. If you are at the Pitzkowitz home for Shabbis dinner, you may still be fasting till Shabbat morning, due to their Kugel recipe. It's disgusting. We want to welcome everybody back from their Chanukah vacation they took this week, as it is not Chanukah. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Ruin a Simcha with No Lox. Celebrating At the Wrong Time and How to Show Up to Everything Late, Like Our President. What a Kugel Should Not Look Like with Mrs. Pitzkowitz. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Why do people get stuff? Well let me tell you, Bernie. It’s because they work for it. Unlike Sam, who got an Aliyah, who has never worked on a farm before... Our congregants should be farmers before we give them anything. Or at least they should show up to Minyin... (Bereishit 48:19) Upon putting his right hand on Ephraim, Yaakov tells Yosef that Ephraim will be greater. Yosef wanted the right hand on Menashe, the older son. Yaakov tells Yosef, “I know my son. I know.” Kind of like I have to tell the board all the time... Why do we need a Kosher kitchen? Because a Kosher kitchen has to be Kosher. I have to constantly say, “I know. I have Smicha. I have rabbinic ordination. I know.” "I know you think you're important because you're on a board. I know. I know you know nothing. I know you like wasting my time. I know. I know you haven't given me a raise in three years. I know." Yaakov knows Menashe is the firstborn. But he also knows Ephraim is destined for greatness. Haamek Davar explains that this is not because of the blessing. The blessing is there to aide. It’s because Ephraim learned with him. If any of you learned a little Torah every once in a while. If any of you ever got a decent job, maybe... (Rashi 48:1) The reason Yaakov is able to speak to Yosef immediately is because Ephraim was with him learning... When you're in the right place, things move fast. When you're not at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... Unlike with the board, where everything moves so... Well, have you finished the December meeting yet?! It was Ephraim's accomplishments in Torah study that deserved him the blessing and brought about his greatness. The blessing is there to help carry out the mission. It’s the work. That is what brings the Bracha. The effort brings Bracha. It gives it a place to sit, not like in the back left, where everybody is talking during Davening. You can't even hear the Chazin back there. You can't hear any Brachas there... Because Shimon won't stop talking... We all want, but do we do? Do you farm?! (Bereishit 48:22) Yosef gets Shechem. Why does Yaakov give him more? Rashi says because he is working for Yaakov’s burial. So, Yaakov gives him land he will be buried in... Yosef is buried in Shechem. Why don’t you get anything? Because you don’t help. It’s the work. that brings the Bracha. I know this congregation doesn't work. I know. I haven't seen dues paid in twelve months. I know nobody here ever wants to help with the Chevra Kadisha. I know. Nobody here helps. Nobody learns. If you learned, you would understand you waste time... Learning isn't wasting time. Learning reminds you, you waste time... No. Not when you're learning... We would have blessing. Bracha. I know this shul is messed up. I know. You want. But you don't give. You don't work. It is all meaningless. No Brachas. It’s just Jewish events mean nothing to you... You should’ve had the lox at the Bris. Instead, you put down 5k on Michael’s first birthday party... No. He won’t remember it. The congregation will remember that the Bris had butter... We would’ve been blessed with a normal Bris. I know the families in this shul are messed up. I know. Asarah BTevet was a one day fast. Calm down. It's over. You're having flashbacks to a ten hour fast... I understand you ate at the Pitzkowitzs. I know it's hard. But it is over... Her Kugel is very hard. It would've been a blessing to have a normal Kugel that was soft. I know the congregants are crazy. I know. I won’t eat at the Pintzkowitz home. Not with sweet lokshen spinach Kugel. Who makes sweet spinach??? And then the pine nut olive oil and honey chumus??? If Mrs. Pintzkowitz learned to make a normal Kugel, there would be blessing... Again. It's about giving. It's about proper action. You don’t even do Chanukah vacation at the right time... It was the week after Chanukah. It should be January vacation. That’s what the Jewish school should call it. You have a preChanukah party and a postChanukah vacation. That is how you celebrate Chanukah... You do everything at the wrong time. Late. You do vacation late. You can’t even show up to Minyin on time. If you spent your holiday time correctly, we would’ve been blessed with a beautiful Chanukah. The kids would’ve got great Chanukah gifts. Instead, they got December gifts... Chanukah gifts are Chanukah gelt... Yes. Money made out of chocolate. That is how money should be made. Money made out of chocolate is a Bracha. I know everything this congregation does makes no sense. I know. I know this shul is messed up. I know. But if you work on cooking. If you work on practicing the holidays in the right time. If you work on birthdays for people who know it’s their birthday. People other than three-year-olds. If you work at getting rid of the board, we can be great. We can be deserving of a blessing, and extra land for a bigger parking lot... It would be a blessing if you could pay dues with chocolate. I agree. If you work on yourselves, we might be deserving of a blessing, to carry out the mission of practicing MItzvot correctly, and getting rid of Bernie... We should be blessed with the Bracha of getting rid of the board. If you learned Torah, you would deserve Bracha. If you just worked at stuff, you would deserve it. I know this will not happen. I know... We are only accepting farmers as congregants from now on. Rivka's Rundown I can’t tell you what farming has to do with an Aliyah to the Torah. Maybe if the farmer was learning twelve hours of Torah a day, the sermon would have made sense. The rabbi started a dairy farm in the shul's parking lot. I think the rabbi truly always wanted a petting zoo. He accidentally bought cows. He didn't realize they were too big for little kids to pet. The sermon was Paytonic. The rabbi wrote a piyut as he gave his sermon. The theme of "I know this congregation is messed up. I know," was beautiful. The Bracha was Yaakovesque. The rabbi even delivered it in acrostic form, which spelled out, "The congregants are is very annoying. Not a Bracha." The rabbi is right. We have to celebrate our Judaism more. It’s for this reason, I didn’t show up to Michael’s first birthday and I didn’t buy him a gift. I saved four hours and around a hundred eighty dollars. I wrote the rabbi how much I appreciated his sermon. And I paid part of my dues. Nobody worries about the destruction of Jerusalem on these fasts. They think about when they can eat again. And then they worry about when the next fast will be. The destruction of the Temple is truly mourned by our membership. They're all praying for a future redemption where they will be able to eat. The Pintzkowitzs are really into that sweet and sour thing. They have gone too far. They’ve been making spicy cheesecake. It’s disgusting. They put hot peppers in the cheesecake. They say it adds flavor. It adds messed up flavor. And then they serve the cheesecake as a main. They decided that since peppers are in it, it's not dessert. Our community uses the holidays for parties and vacations. They say, "It's a week before the holiday, we should celebrate it now." That’s why so many people don’t like Yom Kippur. There aren’t enough pre-Yom Kippur vacations and parties planned. The board is planning a pre-Yom Kippur Sinoff this year. To quote the president, "The idea is to get people to come to shul. They don't come for Yom Kippur anymore. They will come to shul to sin." It's all messed up. There is no blessing, because nobody works at anything. They said the bird in the shul was a Bracha. It was in the shul because nobody closed the window. Nobody lifted a hand to close the window. It would’ve been a blessing to have a shut window during the winter, with no animals flying around while I’m saying the Amidah. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XLI1/11/2025
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about AI being anti-Semitic, praying to Gd and thanking Him too much for Chanukah and being alive, and educating us about proper modest gymwear that clashes, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for expressing how Sufganiot don’t have enough jelly, while he still put on weight and ate them.
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I found the jelly. People thought the Sufganiah was a bulkie. We thought we accidentally bought a roll with sugar powder on it. Nope. It was a Sufganiah. You can see we were almost finished with it, and then jelly. We found it... It was a like a Chanukah miracle. Eight holes and no jelly in any of them.
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The Chanukah Rosh Chodesh Added Tefillah Board. Scariest thing I’ve seen in a while... The next morning nobody showed up for Minyin. The six extra prayers scared away every Jew. I say, leave out six of the panels. Then, once they get there, slide them in one at a time over the course of Davening. You might lose a member with every panel addition. But you have more of a chance of getting a Minyin that way.
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Let us speak of the fast days, also known as the days of projected hunger.
Last time we discussed gorging before and after the fast. There is more to fast day survival than eating as much as you can. Though, that is what the rabbis had in mind when instituting the fast days for the destruction of Jerusalem. It’s amazing how you can still be hungry when you’ve eaten twelve pounds of whitefish. Today, Asarah BTevet, when the siege of Jerusalem by the Babylonians began, it's important we focus on sleeping, just as many of the soldiers were doing at that time. I'm just here to help. Sleep Through The Fast Day Method I don’t know what you are trying to achieve. During the fast, I am hoping to achieve survival. And that means not going hungry. The best way to do that is to sleep. We learn this from bears who make it through the winter, refreshed and unscathed. Hence, use the day to sleep to connect with the Destruction of the Temple. The Sleep Through the Day Method of fasting is known by many as the Reason I Lost My Job Method. Thank Gd, I have a new job. You can still go to shul. You wake up at 7am, go to shul and mourn a little, home by 8:15am, sleep until 4:15pm and then it’s time to eat. Please be aware that the Sleep Through the Day Method of fasting can be very dangerous if applied elsewhere. If you practice this every day, you will definitely lose your job. Based on first hand experience. You will also lose your home. You will lose your family. Issues with the Sleep Through the Day Method are that your spouse may ask you to take out the trash. They may even have the Chutzpah to ask you to help with the kids. Make it clear, you're fasting for holy reasons and you have to sleep to focus on the siege. Focus of The Day On a fast day, you must focus on what's important. And that is to figure out when the fast is over, so you can eat. Nonetheless, as you fast, sleep is paramount. The goal of most fast days is to have you thinking about the community's sins and your own. You’re better off sleeping through that. The community has bothered you enough. You don’t want to be asked to join another committee. If you think the Kiddush committee meets too often, imagine how many meetings you will have to attend for the rebuilding of the Temple. One of the major reasons for the destruction of the Second Temple is baseless hatred, which comes along with speaking bad about others, known as Lashon Hara. If you're sleeping, there is no way you will be speaking any slander. The people who were sleeping while the destruction was happening were not the reason for the siege of Jerusalem. If you talk in your sleep, on the other hand, you may be the reason why we have not witnessed the rebuilding of the Temple. How To Sleep Through The Fast It's not easy to sleep another eight hours. You must be resilient. Not everything in life comes easy. You need drive. Push yourself. Being the Tenth of Tevet is a daytime only fast, I say you stay up all night watching action flicks, such as Bloodsport. Entertaining, yet bloody, to remind you of the fighting the Jews had to do. A holy movie to say the least. Daytime TV is hard to work with for any decent fast day entertainment. If you're having trouble falling asleep daytime TV can help with that. Play some Kelly Ripa and you'll be inspire you to go back to bed. Definitely do not get caught thinking about why the Temples were destroyed. That will keep you up all day. Next thing you know, you will start repenting and you've lost a good day's sleep. Not how you want to spend the fast. Next time we will focus on other methods to make it through the fast, such as the Plan Your Sickness so You Can Eat According to the Rabbis and the IV Method for making it through the days of projected hunger. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: VaYigash1/5/2025
Announcements
Everybody is still talking about the preChanukah party and how fun it is was, because it didn’t happen on Chanukah. We are not planning a Rosh Hashana party in February. We're going to call it the High Holidays at the Wrong Time program. Members are still complaining about the length of Rosh Chodesh Davening on Chanukah. Seeing all the signs on the shul’s board for the extra prayers has left many of them scarred. Many have not been back to shul since, due to what they are calling Post Traumatic Davening Disorder or sleeping in late for the past month. We want to thank Rick for creating the Tallis shirt. A shirt that Tallises don’t fall off. The rabbi is sick of watching people adjust their Tallises constantly during Aliyahs. Shul lockers have been handed to important community members. If you are not important, you have to leave your Tallis in the open for possible burglary. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Daven for Five Minutes Without Your Tallis Coming Off. How to Stay Out of Shape: Choosing to Have Your Locker at Shul and Not at the Gym. How To Chase Everybody Out of Shul By Singing Hallel. How to Adjust a Tallis Every Three Seconds Because You Have No Shoulders Like the Finkelman Family. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bereishit 45:15) “And after this, his brothers spoke with him.” After this whole back and forth and taking Binyamin and sending them back to Yaakov. After the reveal of who he is, they spoke. Yosef and his brothers finally spoke. As we have seen in our congregation, family can go years without speaking. Thus making for what we know as a shul. A very uncomfortable place to pray with people you know, to Gd, in disdain... It was time for the brothers to move ahead. Unlike the Beit Midrash committee who hasn’t purchased a book yet... You speak and do nothing. The brothers spoke and there was Shalom... I understand it’s hard to have peace with Sarah Bayla on a committee. She wants to color coordinate and interior the Sefarim... Sarah Bayla. You can have a brown Shtender with a maroon Siddur. Even if they clash. Yosef accepted that he was sent to Mitzrayim for a reason. It was Gd’s plan. Accepting Gd's plan is the prerequisite for peace. For making up with others. He tells them to hurry and to bring the family and to tell their dad, Yaakov, (Bereishit 45:9) “So says your son, Yosef, ‘Gd placed me the master for all of Egypt. Come down to me. Don’t wait.” After accepting it was Gd's plan, and making peace, it was time to hurry. It was time to see dad. No waiting. You don't wait when there is peace. You wait and you end up with Sarah Bayla on the committee. And nothing gets done... If you can accept it’s Gd’s plan you can have peace. Once you have peace, you can have a conversation. Which is why I can’t listen to Merv. The jokes are too much... I’ve heard them a hundred times. You repeat them to everybody... Your jokes are not part of Gd's plan. Possibly Gd's plan for retribution... Waiting is not part of Gd's plan. Which is why I ask myself every morning why I showed up to Minyin on time... All I do is wait. I can’t see how what this shul does is Gd’s plan. That's why there's no peace. Why Gd sent me here, I can’t figure out. Maybe I sinned. You do everything wrong. This is why we have fights all the time, still. There is no way this is Gd’s plan... I believe that everything is in the hands of H’. But you found a way to mess it up. I have no idea how a board can get in the way of Gd's plan. They got in the way of giving me a raise. And now, with this whole color coordination book scheme, which Eichler's never planned... So. The Chanukah party was more fun because it was done at the wrong time... No. Judaism is not a program. A Chanukah party before Chanukah is not Gd's plan... Why are you calling it a Rosh Hashana party? Why not call it Tu BShvat the Rosh Hashan LElanot party and celebrate it at the right time?... Tu BShvat is in February... It is a Rosh Hashana. Trees sin too. Rosh Hashana for trees in Shvat is Gd's plan. If the shul had it at the right time... Davening is part of Gd's plan. And now we have congregants scared to come to shul, because they are scared to Daven... I understand it's long. It’s got the most signs of the year. Nobody complains about Selichot because there are no signs. Should we take down the signs... Selichot are longer. We just don’t have Dave leading Hallel and singing like a fool for Selichot. They're done before Shacharit. It's too early to sing. It's that post Amidah excitement that ruins people's days... You don‘t sing Hallel during the week. It’s Davening. It’s not a concert. It’s not a program. People have to get out of shul Dave. When you're singing, people have to get out of shul... PTDD is not a disorder. It's an excuse Simmy had to skip shul again. Dave is the reason there is no peace. A really long Davening is not H's plan. Everything looks wrong in this shul, especially Chaim's new haircut... Davening together should make for peace. I can't even look at the congregation. I get annoyed looking at the membership. Your Tallis just fell again... Why are you wearing a silk shirt? Of course, the Tallis will fall. It’s just annoying to have to watch you guys with Tallises falling constantly... Well then get to the gym and get wider shoulders, Finkelman. This congregation has the narrowest shoulders. Which is why you’re not good Jews... Rick. Thank you. But even your Tallis shirt won’t work out. The Velcro is a great idea. But they have no room on their shoulders for Velcro... Shul lockers? Who's giving out shul lockers now? We can't get a Minyin, but they need lockers... This isn’t a gym... I understand most of you sweat sitting. As you are extremely out of shape... Who is stealing Tallises? I don't understand the need for the lockers Maybe we can find Shalom one day in this shul. If we are ever able to figure out how having congregants like this is Gd’s plan. I just hope I retire before that... When you know H's plan you have Shalom... Rashi teaches (45:15) “After this” means that it was after they saw he cried and his heart was content with them. Maybe we need to cry. We need to cry as a congregation. Unify in tears and make it all make sense. Why we have to listen to Merv's jokes. Why we have to listen to Dave's Davening and see Finkelman's Tallis fall. Why Sarah Bayla can't picked florescent pink as the right color for the Siddurs... Until there are tears, the full Teshuva, the extent of ability to move on is not there yet. When you see Gd's plan and realize how much you messed up, you cry. You get it out. And then there can be peace. So let us cry. Just look at Chaim's hair. It got me crying... Maybe H’ needs real emotion from us. A way of admitting we understand our wrong and we want to live right... Let's not wait. All this shul does is wait for a Chazin and Dave to finish Davening... Rivka's Rundown Everybody in the shul started crying. The sermon was so long. How families and siblings don't talk to each other, but pray right next to each other. It's a Jewish trait and one we are proud of. Most peoples of the world can't live with such discomfort. Our congregation thrives on it. The rabbi ended the sermon with Queen's “We are the Champions.” Not a dry eye. Everybody was hugging. Some congregants apologized for being congregants. They all walked up to the Bima to hug the rabbi. It was so emotional, the board decided that next year they’ll celebrate Chanukah on Chanukah. They even conceded to Gd's plan to have Rosh Hashana on Rosh Hashana. Truth is the committees move nowhere because Sarah Bayla has to interior design everything. Siddurs don’t need to be color coordinated with the Shtenders. Nor do women's hats need to match the section they're sitting in. We had to wait for the rabbi to kick off his sermon a couple of weeks ago, as Sarah Bayla did not appreciate the burgundy hat in the purple hat section. She made Mrs. Shafron, a ninety-two-year-old woman get up and move to the other side, so the rabbi could start his Drasha. She then said, "Now the section doesn't clash." They do do everything wrong. Like the rabbi said, even the raise they gave him was wrong. All they love about the preChanukah party was that it has nothing to do with Chanukah. Rosh Hashana LElianot is something we should celebrate more. I don't know if trees sin. They do get old though. Maybe the trees remind the rabbi of Bernie. Trees do deserve a New Year party. My friend celebrated her daughter's first birthday. The tree has more of a chance of remembering the celebration. What kind of idiot sings Hallel during the week??? It's scary seeing all those signs on the plaque. You come to shul one day and it's all up there. Al Hanisim, Hallel, vTen Tal uMatar, Mashiv HaRuach, YaEleh vYavo. Maybe take that one down. YaAleh vAYavo. You have the guy whacking the table. That’s scary enough. You don’t need to scare people with the signs too. And then to scare them with singing. You can't have peace when you're that scared. All of Davening, all they do is adjust their Tallises. I have never seen a shirt that holds a Tallis without it falling. Rick’s shirt is cute. But it looks weird with Velcro on the shoulders. You get the feeling like these guys are soldiers with Tallises. They have that Velcro line on their shoulders, showing they served their country by staying out of the army. The community spent much time after this trying to come up with a shirt that you can wear without the Tallis slipping. They started making shirts out of corduroy. The slats in the corduroy keeps the Tallis in a spot. The problem is the spot isn’t always comfortable. They tried selling it to Shark Tank. None of the sharks wanted in. They said that the "Jews at your shul don’t even pay dues. How are you going to get them to buy this?!" There was no answer. Mr. Wonderful did say he would be a customer, as he likes the idea of joining a congregation where other people complain too. Shul lockers has caused a whole ruckus. Now everybody wants a locker for Sheytels, hats, shoes, keys. Not one person wants the locker for gym shorts. You would think one congregant would want to stay in shape. Maurice has now joined the walking group in the back of the shul. He calls it pacing. I figure, he would sweat less if he had on shorts. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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I've got to tell you about this. I never knew the power of my Yarmulke till this open mic. I thought my Yarmulke was supposed to remind me about Gd. I didn't know it was supposed to get other people mad.
The Story I sat down at the bar and ordered a Diet Coke on the rocks. I'm not a loser. This young girl was performing her piece at the open mic in Buffalo. She was old enough to know that Jews should be killed. She had been to college. She had Jewish professors. And she had traveled to France, so she knew about Israel. As part of her piece she was going off on the "genocide of the Palestinian people." I sat there shocked. Who are these Palestinian people she speaks of? Who was doing this to these Palestinian people? I must stop them. Now. I had just shared laughs with some Arabs in Israel. I am assuming some of them identify as Palestinians. I would hope nobody is doing anything to them. But she was adamant that there was a genocide going on somewhere. I didn't know if that was part of the song or not. There was no music accompaniment. Maybe it was one of those music storyteller shows where they leave out the music. They get so excited about the story and they forget it's a concert. And she was really getting into this story. She started talking about Israelis being the devil. She was very passionate about that. I was trying to figure out what she was talking about. And I couldn't figure out how to respond. Everybody loves a good story. What am I going to do? Start yelling at her for her creativity? Shake her up and mess up the story? Maybe she was speaking about the genocide of the Palestinians that lived 4,000 years ago; the start of the Palestinian people and their documented history as a state. She started speaking of this utopian society where women could frolic and get raped. And finally, rape would be supported. There would be no more judgment of the beheading of little children. A paradise where genocide would finally be defined as defending one's people against enemies who are trying to murder everyone in their nation. She was speaking of a Messianic Palestinian time of redemption. It was a beautiful story, delivered with emotion and tears, setting up the song "Zombie," written in support of the Palestinian people who had to deal with the ruthless British in Ireland. Everybody clapped. The story was amazing. How she intertwined the need to kill all Jews in the utopia which was Palestinian Ireland. It was brilliant. To be honest, I think I even clapped. It was the most creative story. Innovative, ingenious, original. At least now I knew where the Palestinian genocide was happening. In Ireland. The story was brilliant, but I felt for those who identify as Palestinian. Did they really feel rape was fine? And she continued with "the day of joy when Jews were dragged through the streets and finally burned. A day in which cheers were had by all." She left some of that part out. Her friends were disappointed. They were hoping for more of the story of Satan the Jew. They wanted to hear more of this utopian ridding of the Jews, as the crowd were pacifists and believed in love of all. So, she cried for the twelve million reported Gazan deaths and went into the song. How Do I Respond My Jewish side and love of my nation and people kicked in. I thought this was wrong, even if it was a story. If you're going to tell a story, tell it correctly. I was bothered she didn't throw the Black Plague into this. If she was going to tell this story with any facts, she would've mentioned how Jews make it a point of drinking blood. Which is Kosher if it's from nonJewish children and Shechted just right. I didn't know if I could argue against stuff that doesn't exist. I simply sat there, took off my winter hat, and there was my Kippah. She finished her song on behalf of the Cranberries who wrote it for the Palestinian people of Ireland and everybody clapped. Cheers were heard throughout the streets of Buffalo. "What a piece. The Palestinians of Gaza should be allowed their Gd given right to behead toddlers and burn them with pride. It's their tradition and the Jewish people of Israel have the Chutzpah to try to stop it. Genocide!!! They're committing genocide. Why do the Israelis have an issue with Hamas using their own children in a war? They're their children. Should not all soldiers be protected by their children???" And the story somehow turned real. That last line was good. You felt that. They Were Offended Taking to the cheers and claps she looked to the side and saw me sitting there, with my Kippah. My presence offended all. I killed the brilliant rendition of the Cranberries. No. It was my Kippah. My Kippah was screaming at them and they were offended. The Kippah. That Chutzpan. Open mic girl's hatred for me was felt. I went to the bathroom and as I came back, with my Kippah still on my head, her friends went to check on her. They saw my Kippah and they were bothered that nobody knocked it off. Her and all of her friends were having talks about me. "Did he approach you?" They wanted to know if I hit on her. Another act of genocide. She responded, "No. But his Yarmulke did. And his Yarmilke had a whole lot to say. Perched there, arguing with me. The audacity of the Yarmulke. It even said that his people only want peace and to protect the innocent lives. His Yarmulke told me the Israeli army even knocks on doors and tries to protect the non-terrorist Palestinians who want to kill his people, by letting them know they have to attack the area. Chutzpah. Knocking on doors." Before I got up for my piece she asked the MC, "Is he going up." And then she ran out with her friends. Crying. "How can they let a Jew sing?! This is America. I thought this was the land of freedom and acceptance. I hate this country." She was offended by my Kippah. She saw my Kippah and she couldn't argue against it. My Kippah made the bar a not safe space. The presence of the Yarmulke made the bar non-inclusive. I was thus quarantined to sit at the bar alone. They almost kicked me out, as my Kippah was arguing too much, and very loudly. Quite disruptive. Thank Gd, they didn't kick me out. They were going to kick out my Kippah, but my Kippah didn't break any rules. It just said that Jews are a good, kind and caring people, that hate having to go to war and defend against terror. Kippahs can be very loud. Especially, the Bucharian ones. My Performance When they all left, I asked her friend with the Kafeya, "Is it because I'm Jewish?... You don't have to leave because I'm Jewish. I know we can't dance." He smiled. I didn't know where he stood, as he was wearing his Kafeya on his shoulders. I didn't know if that was an American tradition or or an Arab tradition. It seems like most American college students wear Kafeyas on their shoulders. A style thing. I know it's not an Arab tradition to wear the Kafeya on the head. Maybe it's a Middle Eastern tradition to wear the Kafeya as a shawl when the weather gets really cold in Ireland. That's probably where it started. I was amazed at the protest against me and my people in a small bar in Buffalo, New York. But I wore that Kippah with pride and sung some songs about people getting along. "Sing along, even if you're Christian. Be happy that you come from a Jew. Because Gd might love you too. Because you come from a Jew. Sing along, even if you're Muslim. Be happy that you believe in one Gd too. Because Gd might love you too. If you know a Jew..." Peace was the message, and the few sitting there turned into lovers of all. Not lovers of terrorists. Lovers of people. Gd might love them too now. And they all sung and clapped for me. Everybody except for the Zombie and her friends. They were outside crying that Jews are allowed to sing. In solidarity of all humans, they wanted the Jew out. She wanted to get rid of the Israeli. In her defense, I was occupying a seat at the bar. Notes When I got back from the bathroom, I didn't drink my Diet Coke. I am aware of what story time can do to your drink when you're wearing a Kippah. I did introduce my songs of peace with, "I will not create any new definitions of genocide. Nor will I talk about genocide. Such as the Armenian genocide, perpetrated by the Young Turks." I am guessing she got her story from story time with Cenk Uygur of The Young Turks. I had one of those moments of political brilliance and little knowledge. You can share that with your friends. Postscript About the Kippah The Kippah is a real buzz killer. There was somebody sitting there with a Yarmulke, killing the performance. It bothered them so much that, because of Israel, they couldn't defile him and burn him at a bar in Buffalo. If the bouncer was doing his job, he would've kicked out the Kippah. Yarmulkes are loud. They yell, “I am still here.” And that is offensive to anti-Semites. Now I know why I wear a Kippah. And that is to piss people off. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Rambam: Yesodei HaTorah 2:9-101/2/2025
Laws 9-10: H’ knows. Because He is Truth. No. You can't handle the Truth.
Law 9: Since Gd knows Himself, His greatness and His beauty. He knows all creation. He even knows what you're thinking. Which is, "I don't want to go to work tomorrow." Nothing is hidden from Gd, which is why it's easy to blame Him. H' knows from the first formed stuff to the mosquito. And yet He still lets them bite you. Law 10: H’ knows this truth as Himself. As such, He knows all creation as Himself. He doesn’t view anything as outside of Him. H' sees it all through Oneness. Within. And you have the Chutzpah to have an ego. Everything revolves around you and you being the one that gets all the good meat out the Choolante pot. That's how I define a selfish egotistical person. Anybody who's scooping out all the good meat and Kishka from the Choolante. I couldn't come up with a better definition than that. I figured selfish Choolante scoopers would talk to everybody. We see everything outside ourselves. I barely know myself. I'm still trying to figure out the placement of the different hairs on my arm and why they're there. The stuff coming out of the nose is not pleasant and I'm trying to distance myself from it. It's good to know it's outside of myself. I don't want to associate myself with this bald guy with nose hair. If anything was outside of H', that would mean there's other gods. And that would make Davening a lot longer. The lives are people are two. Confusing. Yes. It's confusing. By man it says Chayei, "By the life of your soul." By H' it says Chai, "H’ lives" (Shmuel I 25:26). H' just is. One. It's not plural by H'. By us, it's two. It could be translated "lives of your soul." That's at least how I translate it. You have no right to get all high on yourself, scooping out the Choolante, when there are others outside of you too. H' just is. It's not being high on Himself. If I could explain it, I would be arguing with the Rambam's point that we can't explain it. Which is why the Rambam spends all of this time explaining it. He is knowledge. And we still spend all that money on college. That's the crazy thing here. Since there is nothing outside of Gd, He knows everything because He knows Himself. And everything else is dependent on Him. We're not talking about you father-in-law paying for everything. We're not talking about you not getting a job, telling your father-in-law that Gd will provide. We're not talking about your father-in-law now thinking he's Gd. You like how I worked that?! He is the Foundation. The First. Ever sing "Chad Gadya"? I love that song. Just wanted you to know. Great song. Great way to end a Seder. Lesson: Mosquito bites are for oneness with H'. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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How these work, I don’t know. I appreciate all the healthy cookies and chips... I put on a few pounds eating a lot of healthy. It seems that too many healthy peanut butter cups will also get you fat. False advertisement.
![]() David Kilimnick - Israel's "Father of Anglo Comedy" (JPost) is not touring with his Israel solidarity show. Bring David to your community, college campus, shul, home, to share laughs of Jewish unity... 585-738-9233 [email protected]
It’s tradition to eat more fruit on Tu BShvat, to praise Gd for his creation and to walk around with an upset stomach.
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1/30/2025
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